The Happiness I Found Today...

I have loved the entire process of creating this blog.  It’s wonderful to not only be able to share my thoughts with all of you, but also to keep a type of “digital diary” of what I am thinking and feeling on any given day. 

I want to continue doing this, but with a bit of a different focus.  Basically, less of my head… more of my heart… More of me. 

The next chapter is continuing here...  http://HappinessFoundToday.tumblr.com

I Want To Go To The Ocean

I haven’t posted in a long time.  I have about 10 excuses for it, but really the only reason is that I haven’t had it in me.  For some reason though, tonight is bringing it out. 

Over the last 2.5 months I have been doing a ton of work on myself.  And I mean a TON.  After going separate ways from a job and a relationship in March (ironically on the same day), I found my life turned somewhat upside-down.  It took a few days but I picked myself back up and repositioned myself to walk down a different path.  I have met a lot of new people along my journey so far and I am honored to be able to call a few of those people my friends. 

This evening I was sitting with one of my new friends after we had received some devastating news that someone she knew, who kind of runs in our circle, had taken her own life.  We sat and talked over coffee for almost an hour and a half, mostly on the subject of hope.  Hope is something that all of us have at times but at other times, we have none.  The pain that goes along with hope, or more appropriately the lack of it, is completely relative to our own lives.  One of us can be dealing with cancer and another one of us can be feeling lonely, but somehow we can have the same amount of pain associated with that loss of hope.  It is heartbreaking to hear the news that someone you know lost every ounce of their hope.  The news made me reach out to a few friends that I love in my life who are going through tough spots, just say hello and that I care.  I’m not worried about any of them losing all of their hope, but sometimes it just helps to have someone say, “I’m here if you need me.  And…. I’m here if you don’t need me.  Either way, you are someone I care about,”.   We all need to hear those kinds of things. 

During our conversation we recalled a speech that both my friend and I had heard recently.  The person who gave the speech said some absolutely brilliant things but there was one thing that really hit home for me.  The speaker talked about a time when she was getting ready to take her 3 year old to the beach.  She described the process of that morning and how she was running around like a mad women trying to get lunches packed, finding the sand toys, looking for the towels…. basically complete chaos.  In the midst of all of this, her 3 year old said to her in a very stern manner, “I WANT to go to the OCEAN!”.  She replied, “I know honey…we are preparing for that…this is what ‘going to the ocean’ looks like,”.  It was just then she said, that it dawned on her,  that her own life had been prepared very much the same way.  She explained that there are things that we want in life and it drives us nuts to face all of the hurdles we have to jump trying to obtain those things.  But maybe God is doing that same thing for us when we get to those hurdles.  Maybe those hurdles are God preparing us for what we want in life.  It feels like a mess and complete chaos, but it is God preparing us to “go to the ocean,” whatever our “ocean” is.

I’m not *exactly* where I want to be with myself just yet… I may even have a long way to go.  But someone shared the following quote with me and I try and remind myself of it whenever I am facing a difficult day or a personal struggle. 

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen.”

– Elizabeth Kubler Ros

I am so grateful for the truly beautiful people I have met in the last 74 days.  And…as much as I want to fight it some days, I am grateful that God is preparing me to “go to the ocean”.  

Retreats, Careers and the Feelings In-Between

2011 is getting a hard, forceful slap goodbye. 

I sat here trying to find the most eloquent way to describe what has happened in the last two days and realized there is no way better than to state the facts as they are.  I quit my job and am going on a personal healing retreat.  Ok, so it’s not as “Eat, Pray, Love” as it sounds, but it’s close. 

This year was extremely challenging for me, both personally and professionally.  Having come full circle by December 30^th feels fantastic and I am determined to begin 2012 with my heart and my head in the exact right place. 

About two months ago, when things were feeling extremely uneasy at the shelter, an opportunity came across my desk to apply for a position with a different non-profit.  Turns out, the position was a perfect fit and starting January 23, I will be a Director at one of the largest homeless youth organizations in the country.  Resigning today was one of the more difficult things I have done this year, as my heart is very much wrapped up in the “funky little beach house” that is my homeless and runaway youth shelter.  Leaving 1736 is one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make in a long time.  I adore my staff and every single kid that has come across my path in the last 2.5 years.  However, just as my evening Residential Care Manager said to me today, I am ready for something bigger and the amount of lives that I have the opportunity to impact are infinite.   I am very much looking forward to this adventure and am excited to bridge a new and stronger relationship between my current shelter and the three shelters I will be managing in the future. 

On the personal side of life, I am leaving Sunday to literally disappear off the radar for the first week of 2012.  I have taken 9 days off from work, which I had planned to spend with some of my family. When those plans fell through, I decided to look into a suggestion that my clinical supervisor at work recommended.  I will spend the first 6 days of the year in Big Sur, CA at the Esalen Institute attending a personal growth workshop called “Awakening the Heart”.  From what I have been told, Esalen is an “absolutely magical place”.  It is a “retreat center for adults who are looking to transform their life”.  Am I expecting complete transformation? No.  But I am expecting 6 days of learning a bit more about myself and a place that will offer enough air to let me fully breathe in everything that is about to change in my life. 

And those two items are just the beginning of it.  There are numerous other things on the horizon including the possibility of a new relationship to 3 new classes that I need to choose from for my graduate school.  2011 will go down in my history as a year that will not soon be forgotten.  I am grateful that it brought me everything from hysterical laughter to suffocation in my own tears – as well as every single thing in between.  2012 has a lot to live up to.  

The Next Curve Ball

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’ve just wrapped up catching up on a few of the favorites on the DVR.  I’m wondering how certain people I know are doing.  Some of them are close by. Some of them are very far away. 

Just when you get to the point where your friends, your therapist (and yourself) think you have gotten re-grounded after a rocky few months, another curve ball is bound to come your way.  On a side note, I just found myself smiling when I wrote that – as it made me think of one of my girlfriend’s online photo albums titled “2011…Take 2!”.  I’m not sure what “take” I am on but I am pretty certain I am past my second.

I know what curve ball is coming my way – I was warned about it on Friday after an extremely tough week at work.  The funny thing is, as much as I want to throw my hands up with the situation, when it comes down to it, it’s just another curve ball.  Life will go on…in a different way…but it will go on.  I always like to believe there are reasons that go along with what life throws at us.  Like there is a lesson to be learned or some message we are supposed to get from it.  Don’t get me wrong – there are some days I don’t believe that at all.  Well, that’s not entirely true…I probably still do believe it, but the curve ball is so frustrating and unfair, it feels as if there cannot be a logical explanation for it.   But I guess do still believe it. 

I’ve had some things I’ve needed to work on in 2011.  At the beginning of the year, I thought I had most of them worked out.  Unfortunately I had to find out in a difficult way, I still needed some work, but it feels good coming out on the other side of all of it, especially with friends who know you too well and your therapist whom you’ve been working with every step of the way, saying how impressed and proud of you they are.  Don’t get me wrong – there is always something more to work on – it’s the beauty of being human.  We always get to have our faults and flaws.  But we also get to have people in our life who love all of us - including every fault and flaw.  It’s nice to be one of those people for yourself. 

I get one more “day off” before I have to deal with this next pitch.  At least I know I am getting thrown a curve ball so I can at least be a little prepped for it.  On Monday, I get to choose how I am going to hit it.  Bundt?  Walk?  Hit it out of the park?  I honestly do not know, and for the first time in a long time, I am completely OK with that.  

The Loss of Love and Life

July 2011 will go down in my history book as one of the worst months I have had to experience. 

I have two people I work with every day – Joy Norman was one of them.  Joy passed away this weekend.  I have spent more time with her over the past year than I have anyone else.  I called Joy “ladybug” to her face and I called her “my favorite” behind her back.   She took her most recent Facebook profile picture in my office.  I told her that day that she looked like a nerd.  She had fake glasses and these ridiculous suspenders.  She laughed and said, “good” as it was the look she was going for. 

It took me all day to cry.  I guess I felt like I had to keep myself together so that someone was the strong one for my staff.  The calls I had to make were worse than the call I received, giving me the news.  I had to break 11 hearts today as I told each of my employees that Joy was gone.  This evening I exhaled and it all came out with no one there to hold my hand.  

I lost the man I love this month as well.  Thank God it wasn’t from death, although some days it feels like it was.  I'm not sure I have truly trusted anyone since a relationship in 2003.  It took me 2 years to get over that one and another 6 to learn to love again.  This recent relationship taught me how to trust again, how to love again.  It taught me how to be completely honest with someone else and to show sides of myself that I was too scared to share in relationships before.  I believed the relationship wasn’t going anywhere.  And as soon as I did, it was gone.  

Tonight I went and saw Sarah McLaughlin at the Hollywood Bowl.  I was far from being in the mood to go. I sat there in the dark, listening to the lyrics with great sadness.  Songs that I had heard 100 times before took on such a different meaning as I thought about my two losses.  He broke my heart.  She broke my soul.  But somehow, both made me feel more alive tonight.  I thought about so much while I was sitting there.  The moon was perfect.  The weather was perfect.  The music created a greater than perfect soundtrack to my evening.  The lyrics were an incredible combo of love, the loss of love, having hope in something, letting go, forgiving yourself, forgiving others, Heaven, life, the loss of life.  I sat there with tears streaming down my face, thinking about the man that was supposed to be sitting next to me and the girl that I would never see again.   

I have lost a man that I love.  I have lost my ladybug.  I love you both and am so thankful for you being a part of my life. 

“Hold on.  Hold on to yourself.  This is going to hurt like hell”.  – Sarah McLachlan

Hope

It’s interesting how people hold on to something, whether good or bad, until they actually need it or until it doesn’t serve a purpose for them anymore. In just the last week, I’ve found two “ideas” that have been just that – some things I’ve picked up and kept close to me, waiting for a purpose and waiting to let go.

A few months ago, I came across a quote that really resonated with me. I had looked up an artist whom I had met many years ago though my days in radio. She had written a few songs that I had held on to, as they offered me a soundtrack when going through particularly difficult times, or times where I was down and wanted to believe someone else understood what I was feeling. I came across some of her newer thoughts online and found this particular quote that made me take a deep breath and sigh, finding my feelings once again put into words by someone else.

“It’s amazing how the human spirit clings to hope – even at the end of an exhausting cycle of disappointment – Yet here I am, about to try something new and dare to hope again. Why do I hope? Because I am stubborn enough to keep believing in what I do not yet see.” – Jo Davidson

I held on to these words, not having the motivation or even the strength to create my own piece of art out of them. All I knew at the time was that I was tired of being disappointed. In fact, I was exhausted by it. But that hope never did go away. I’m not even sure if it was weakened at all by the cycle of disappointment.

I sit here months later, finally having found the spark to get back into my own version of creativity and I came across Jo’s words, which now resonate in a very different way for me. Recently, my stubbornness paid off and I got a glimpse of what I kept believing in. My glimpse is what they call in the therapy world, a “corrective emotional experience”. Something or someone shows you that things can be different than the previous experiences you have had. We learn to behave a certain way based off of those old experiences and hold on to those behaviors because they are what we know - how we know - to cope with the experiences in the past. The problem we run into is letting go of these past experiences long enough to process and embrace the corrective one. To quote my friend Robert, “The therapeutic work will be distinguishing what is still appropriate self-protection and what is operating from the past that no longer serves you”. If I can let go of what I have experienced in the past and allow my behaviors and thoughts to match my new experience, I might even be able to let go of the word “hope” and let it manifest into “reality”. It can be a very difficult thing to do, but I am trying.

It seems to me that it is the only thing we can do – Trying. Hoping. Letting go. Loving. Having faith and trusting that someday… it will work out.

I Like My Dishwasher

I love how almost every time I try to start feeling sorry for myself, something or someone will manage to shut that down and put things back in perspective. 

In the terms of MY life, yesterday was a crap day.  And I mean CRAP.  Working in the mental health field, especially with homeless teens, you are guaranteed to have a few of those days.  I am thankful that they are few and far between, but when they do show up, they can run me over pretty quickly.  I spent my evening feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself.  I went to bed exhausted, wondering how I manage to balance, or better put – not balance but manage, working full-time running a shelter, being on-call 24-hours a day (everyday) and taking two graduate school classes at Pepperdine.  It might be a little easier to manage if the classes weren’t psychology classes that require you to look into yourself and really examine your own style of interaction with the world.  Six hours of that intense conversation a week can be draining in itself. 

So at 5:30am, mad that I am actually awake at that hour, I was lying in bed trying to figure out how I am going to survive another day and find myself sending a message to a friend to inquire about an upcoming trip I am planning.  I tell him:

So we have narrowed it down to Tahiti and Fiji.  Any suggestions? My mental exhaustion overwhelmed me last night and I realized all I have the energy to do on a vacation is:

1. Turn over from my front to my back

2. Let someone ELSE move my scuba tank from the boat to the resort

3. Say "yes, I would like another drink, thank you"

Still feeling exhausted, I finally decide to get out of bed and actually make use of this time rather than laying there staring at the ceiling.  You would have thought sending that email would have been my eye opener, but no…I meant what I said – I am exhausted and those are the only three things I really want to do on my vacation.  The thing that made me stop and put things in perspective was my dishwasher.  I hate doing dishes more than almost anything on this earth.  I started loading the dishes that were in the sink and thinking in my head, “I hate doing dishes” and stopped.  I have a dishwasher.  I don’t REALLY have to “do dishes”.  I said to myself, “I love my dishwasher” and decided that my life isn’t so bad.  I am trying to plan a trip to a tropical island.  I have a job that I love.  I get to study at an amazing school.  I have a dishwasher. 

It made me think of the youtube video that was passed around a few months back where a little girl was telling herself in the mirror everything she liked in her life.  I think I will go do that now because I do “like my dishwasher”.   Watch Video Here

Is There an Elephant in the Room?

Final #1 is done.  I have become a complete dork when it comes to school.  I like the fact that I have gotten to the point in my life where I am proud to be a complete school dork.  I work hard for that dorkyness.  And it’s paying off. 

I watched the preview for the new movie Greenberg this evening and it is now on my “must see” list.  I don’t know what is drawing me in to these types of films so much, but I swear the second I see “Focus Features” at the beginning of the trailer, I pay a little closer attention.  My last 2 movie loves were “Focus”.  I am generalizing for sure, but I feel like this will be a good one.  This type of film that I am referring to has a very raw, quirkiness to it.  It feels a little “dated” in the sense that you almost feel like you are watching a 1970’s film…but you’re not.  Maybe it’s not even the datedness of it, but the fact that the characters are not all done up, glamorized, Hollywooded…whatever you want to call it.  Many of the lines that come out of it, make you feel like you are a part of an inside joke.  It’s good stuff.  I am hoping the film will be too. 

So my counter balance this evening is the strange, somewhat uneasy feeling I am having about some people in my life at the moment.  Have you ever had a time in a relationship (whether it be with a friend, a lover, a co-worker, a family member) where something happens and the entire interaction takes a different route.  Almost like you are looking at that other person out of the corner of your eye because you are not sure what the next move, with either one of you, is going to be?  Maybe it is a crossroad.  Maybe it is the beginning of realizing that everything is not what it seems.  Maybe it is just learning one piece of information about someone else that changes your mind about who you thought they were.  Whatever it is, I am having that feeling with two very separate and entirely different people in my life right now and it is feeling very uneasy.  It’s a feeling like I just caught one of them cheating on their husband, or shoplifting from Nordstrom’s, and we both know I caught them, but neither of us is saying anything about it.  So we are left with that awkward uneasiness that is in the air that no one is talking about.  There is an elephant in the room that no one is discussing, but in at least one of these situations, no one can seem to put their finger on the elephant.  Maybe it's that we just can’t see the elephant yet. 

A Man Who Loves Strawberries

I have a feeling that what I am going to try and express tonight is not going to come across in the correct way, but I am going to give it a shot anyway.  It is interesting how we don’t notice things as much, or contemplate them as much as maybe we should, because they don’t come up in topic.  Like I said, I am going to have some trouble expressing this one. Let me start another way…

This evening as I was driving home, I pulled up to the same stoplight with the same homeless man standing on the corner, asking for helping.  I am completely against giving money to homeless people as I believe that all it does is encourage and enable homelessness rather than help them.  As I was sitting there waiting for the light to change, I thought about how I had some strawberries in my car, and there was no reason why I needed all of them.  I rolled down my window and asked the man if he wanted some.  Let me paint this picture a little more by telling you that this man has been living on the street for a long time and the amount of dirt on his hands is probably past being able to get clean by soap and water.  His hands look like he has been gardening the entire day.  As he approaches my car, his face lights up and he says, “Strawberries!  I love strawberries!  Thank you!  He then smiles and with a chuckle says, “You don’t have any whipped cream in there do you?”.  I laugh and say, “No unfortunately I don’t,” in which he responds, “Well, I had to ask… Thank you”.  I am going to guess that if I had given this man a dollar, I wouldn’t have gotten even close to the same reaction.  I wouldn’t have experienced his charm or humor.  I wouldn’t have gotten quite the smile that you get with strawberries. 

The next thought that went through my mind is something that I am so happy did not become vocal.  Before I pulled away, I found myself thinking, “Oh! They haven’t been washed yet”.  I stopped myself from saying anything, as this was probably the least of this man’s concerns. 

The reason I bring this up is, tonight in class, we were discussing how people can have different frames of mind when it comes to certain subjects, because of experiences, current stage of life, etc.  What is important to one person, may be furthest from the next person’s mind.  I brought this situation up in class as an example of how you may not make a connection with some people because of these differences and how you have to be aware of these differences to truly be appreciative of what someone else is going through.   My point is, this man was happy about the strawberries.  He didn’t care what way they came to him, whether they were perfectly ripe, organic, or a perfect red color.  For him, (I am guessing) it didn’t even matter that they weren’t washed.  Those were my concerns.  Just because they are my concerns, doesn’t mean they are other people’s. 

I thought about this a lot more since it was brought up in class and it made me think more about that entire subject.  I didn’t notice as much from the situation until I retold the story.  And even now, I am remembering even more than I did the first time I told it.  Sharing these kinds of things, these stories, these experiences, make them richer.  It creates more meaning to them.  It helps me see them in different ways.  Noticing the details of another person is what makes them able to be more understood.  I don’t even know the beginning of this man, but I know him more than the woman in the car that passed him in front of me.  I know he loves strawberries.  

Diamonds and Stars from Heaven

I had such a magical moment this morning driving to work.  I have mentioned before that I wear my grandmother’s wedding ring every day and this morning as I pulled up to a stoplight the 5 small diamonds caught the sunlight coming in my car window.  The combination of the light and diamonds created what looked like stars on the roof of my car. 

I designed a card about a year ago with the following quote:  “Perhaps they are not the stars but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pour through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy”.  I looked at those tiny little stars in my car, created by my grandmother’s wedding ring and tears formed in my eyes.  I miss her so much, but honestly, I am not really sad.  I know that sounds strange, but I have no doubt that she is in Heaven and is completely happy.  She was such a huge part of my life and filled my heart with so much love that I don’t know if I could ever feel “empty” when I think about her.  She has made that impossible.  You can’t explain a love like that.  I hope that I am able to make someone feel that full of love one day.

Los Angeles is a difficult city.  I am happy here, and I mean really happy.  I have a job I adore and have started to make some great friends.  It amazes me though how…I want to use the word close-minded, but maybe that is not the right word… Let me rephrase… It makes me sad that it appears many people here in LA have a type of perfection that they are searching for, and if someone doesn’t fit that exactly, they won’t give them a chance.  People say it’s not what they want, but their actions are different.

Who knows.  Maybe I am off base here.  Maybe I have some major blind spots that I cannot see in my personality that really pushes people away.  I know in the past I have been intense with relationships too soon and I know now, that was because I was missing something inside of me.  It frustrates me now though, that when I have myself completely figured out inside, I am living in this sea of “LA beauty” that doesn’t really fit into my world. 

I am not a size 2.  I don’t wear lipstick every day.  I have real 36-Cs that probably aren’t completely symmetrical.  Heels hurt my feet so I don’t wear them on every first date.  I don’t have the perfect posture.  And I don’t spend an hour on my hair in the morning.   Unfortunately it seems like there isn’t really anyone here that can get past those things.  They can’t see what is on the inside and I cannot make them see that in 60 minutes of coffee without sounding like a complete crazy woman. 

All I can hope for is that those tiny little stars on the roof of my car will continue to follow me around and sprinkle little bits of Heaven down to this city.   Maybe, just maybe, Nany will sprinkle one of those pieces a little harder and it will hit someone over the head to give me a second look.  Maybe she needs to hit me over the head so I can see what I am doing wrong.  Whatever it is, I hope hits someone because this part is not fun.  

I Love You, Half-Eaten Chocolates

I am a huge fan of Valentine’s Day.  As someone who is single, and will not be receiving chocolates or roses or even a Valentine, many would think I would want to boycott this day.  That is not the case here. 

I think what I like most about this day is that it gives me a warm feeling inside.  It makes me want to hug people, tell them I love them, and show an appreciation of having them in my life.  You don’t have to be “in love” but I think if you know what that feeling and emotion is, you can’t help but be a little sentimental. 

What makes me smile the most is the silly little things that you would never want on any other day from someone.  Just tonight, I had to make a run by the grocery store and I passed a stuff animal that was this adorable fat bee, with a big smile holding a heart that says “Bee Mine”.  You can’t get much cheesier than that and I swear I almost bought it for myself. 

The other thing I love about this day, that cracks me up every time, is seeing a heart shaped box of chocolates, where just about every single piece has been bitten into, with the other half left behind.  The boxes are always full of surprises and we never end up liking half of what is in them.  But for some reason, anytime I see a half eaten chocolate, I have to smile.  I think I may need to stop by and pick up my own box to take a few bites out of this year. 

Love is a fantastic feeling and it is something that everyone needs.  It is proven!  Everyone needs love.  Of course I wish I had a sweetheart of my own this year, but since I don’t, I will spend my day making sure that all the people that I do love are aware of it.  Yes, I should do it every day, and honestly I think I am pretty good at making sure the people in my life know how important they are to me, but Valentine’s Day is just another good excuse to remind them.