I Like My Dishwasher

I love how almost every time I try to start feeling sorry for myself, something or someone will manage to shut that down and put things back in perspective. 

In the terms of MY life, yesterday was a crap day.  And I mean CRAP.  Working in the mental health field, especially with homeless teens, you are guaranteed to have a few of those days.  I am thankful that they are few and far between, but when they do show up, they can run me over pretty quickly.  I spent my evening feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself.  I went to bed exhausted, wondering how I manage to balance, or better put – not balance but manage, working full-time running a shelter, being on-call 24-hours a day (everyday) and taking two graduate school classes at Pepperdine.  It might be a little easier to manage if the classes weren’t psychology classes that require you to look into yourself and really examine your own style of interaction with the world.  Six hours of that intense conversation a week can be draining in itself. 

So at 5:30am, mad that I am actually awake at that hour, I was lying in bed trying to figure out how I am going to survive another day and find myself sending a message to a friend to inquire about an upcoming trip I am planning.  I tell him:

So we have narrowed it down to Tahiti and Fiji.  Any suggestions? My mental exhaustion overwhelmed me last night and I realized all I have the energy to do on a vacation is:

1. Turn over from my front to my back

2. Let someone ELSE move my scuba tank from the boat to the resort

3. Say "yes, I would like another drink, thank you"

Still feeling exhausted, I finally decide to get out of bed and actually make use of this time rather than laying there staring at the ceiling.  You would have thought sending that email would have been my eye opener, but no…I meant what I said – I am exhausted and those are the only three things I really want to do on my vacation.  The thing that made me stop and put things in perspective was my dishwasher.  I hate doing dishes more than almost anything on this earth.  I started loading the dishes that were in the sink and thinking in my head, “I hate doing dishes” and stopped.  I have a dishwasher.  I don’t REALLY have to “do dishes”.  I said to myself, “I love my dishwasher” and decided that my life isn’t so bad.  I am trying to plan a trip to a tropical island.  I have a job that I love.  I get to study at an amazing school.  I have a dishwasher. 

It made me think of the youtube video that was passed around a few months back where a little girl was telling herself in the mirror everything she liked in her life.  I think I will go do that now because I do “like my dishwasher”.   Watch Video Here

Is There an Elephant in the Room?

Final #1 is done.  I have become a complete dork when it comes to school.  I like the fact that I have gotten to the point in my life where I am proud to be a complete school dork.  I work hard for that dorkyness.  And it’s paying off. 

I watched the preview for the new movie Greenberg this evening and it is now on my “must see” list.  I don’t know what is drawing me in to these types of films so much, but I swear the second I see “Focus Features” at the beginning of the trailer, I pay a little closer attention.  My last 2 movie loves were “Focus”.  I am generalizing for sure, but I feel like this will be a good one.  This type of film that I am referring to has a very raw, quirkiness to it.  It feels a little “dated” in the sense that you almost feel like you are watching a 1970’s film…but you’re not.  Maybe it’s not even the datedness of it, but the fact that the characters are not all done up, glamorized, Hollywooded…whatever you want to call it.  Many of the lines that come out of it, make you feel like you are a part of an inside joke.  It’s good stuff.  I am hoping the film will be too. 

So my counter balance this evening is the strange, somewhat uneasy feeling I am having about some people in my life at the moment.  Have you ever had a time in a relationship (whether it be with a friend, a lover, a co-worker, a family member) where something happens and the entire interaction takes a different route.  Almost like you are looking at that other person out of the corner of your eye because you are not sure what the next move, with either one of you, is going to be?  Maybe it is a crossroad.  Maybe it is the beginning of realizing that everything is not what it seems.  Maybe it is just learning one piece of information about someone else that changes your mind about who you thought they were.  Whatever it is, I am having that feeling with two very separate and entirely different people in my life right now and it is feeling very uneasy.  It’s a feeling like I just caught one of them cheating on their husband, or shoplifting from Nordstrom’s, and we both know I caught them, but neither of us is saying anything about it.  So we are left with that awkward uneasiness that is in the air that no one is talking about.  There is an elephant in the room that no one is discussing, but in at least one of these situations, no one can seem to put their finger on the elephant.  Maybe it's that we just can’t see the elephant yet. 

A Man Who Loves Strawberries

I have a feeling that what I am going to try and express tonight is not going to come across in the correct way, but I am going to give it a shot anyway.  It is interesting how we don’t notice things as much, or contemplate them as much as maybe we should, because they don’t come up in topic.  Like I said, I am going to have some trouble expressing this one. Let me start another way…

This evening as I was driving home, I pulled up to the same stoplight with the same homeless man standing on the corner, asking for helping.  I am completely against giving money to homeless people as I believe that all it does is encourage and enable homelessness rather than help them.  As I was sitting there waiting for the light to change, I thought about how I had some strawberries in my car, and there was no reason why I needed all of them.  I rolled down my window and asked the man if he wanted some.  Let me paint this picture a little more by telling you that this man has been living on the street for a long time and the amount of dirt on his hands is probably past being able to get clean by soap and water.  His hands look like he has been gardening the entire day.  As he approaches my car, his face lights up and he says, “Strawberries!  I love strawberries!  Thank you!  He then smiles and with a chuckle says, “You don’t have any whipped cream in there do you?”.  I laugh and say, “No unfortunately I don’t,” in which he responds, “Well, I had to ask… Thank you”.  I am going to guess that if I had given this man a dollar, I wouldn’t have gotten even close to the same reaction.  I wouldn’t have experienced his charm or humor.  I wouldn’t have gotten quite the smile that you get with strawberries. 

The next thought that went through my mind is something that I am so happy did not become vocal.  Before I pulled away, I found myself thinking, “Oh! They haven’t been washed yet”.  I stopped myself from saying anything, as this was probably the least of this man’s concerns. 

The reason I bring this up is, tonight in class, we were discussing how people can have different frames of mind when it comes to certain subjects, because of experiences, current stage of life, etc.  What is important to one person, may be furthest from the next person’s mind.  I brought this situation up in class as an example of how you may not make a connection with some people because of these differences and how you have to be aware of these differences to truly be appreciative of what someone else is going through.   My point is, this man was happy about the strawberries.  He didn’t care what way they came to him, whether they were perfectly ripe, organic, or a perfect red color.  For him, (I am guessing) it didn’t even matter that they weren’t washed.  Those were my concerns.  Just because they are my concerns, doesn’t mean they are other people’s. 

I thought about this a lot more since it was brought up in class and it made me think more about that entire subject.  I didn’t notice as much from the situation until I retold the story.  And even now, I am remembering even more than I did the first time I told it.  Sharing these kinds of things, these stories, these experiences, make them richer.  It creates more meaning to them.  It helps me see them in different ways.  Noticing the details of another person is what makes them able to be more understood.  I don’t even know the beginning of this man, but I know him more than the woman in the car that passed him in front of me.  I know he loves strawberries.  

Diamonds and Stars from Heaven

I had such a magical moment this morning driving to work.  I have mentioned before that I wear my grandmother’s wedding ring every day and this morning as I pulled up to a stoplight the 5 small diamonds caught the sunlight coming in my car window.  The combination of the light and diamonds created what looked like stars on the roof of my car. 

I designed a card about a year ago with the following quote:  “Perhaps they are not the stars but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pour through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy”.  I looked at those tiny little stars in my car, created by my grandmother’s wedding ring and tears formed in my eyes.  I miss her so much, but honestly, I am not really sad.  I know that sounds strange, but I have no doubt that she is in Heaven and is completely happy.  She was such a huge part of my life and filled my heart with so much love that I don’t know if I could ever feel “empty” when I think about her.  She has made that impossible.  You can’t explain a love like that.  I hope that I am able to make someone feel that full of love one day.

Los Angeles is a difficult city.  I am happy here, and I mean really happy.  I have a job I adore and have started to make some great friends.  It amazes me though how…I want to use the word close-minded, but maybe that is not the right word… Let me rephrase… It makes me sad that it appears many people here in LA have a type of perfection that they are searching for, and if someone doesn’t fit that exactly, they won’t give them a chance.  People say it’s not what they want, but their actions are different.

Who knows.  Maybe I am off base here.  Maybe I have some major blind spots that I cannot see in my personality that really pushes people away.  I know in the past I have been intense with relationships too soon and I know now, that was because I was missing something inside of me.  It frustrates me now though, that when I have myself completely figured out inside, I am living in this sea of “LA beauty” that doesn’t really fit into my world. 

I am not a size 2.  I don’t wear lipstick every day.  I have real 36-Cs that probably aren’t completely symmetrical.  Heels hurt my feet so I don’t wear them on every first date.  I don’t have the perfect posture.  And I don’t spend an hour on my hair in the morning.   Unfortunately it seems like there isn’t really anyone here that can get past those things.  They can’t see what is on the inside and I cannot make them see that in 60 minutes of coffee without sounding like a complete crazy woman. 

All I can hope for is that those tiny little stars on the roof of my car will continue to follow me around and sprinkle little bits of Heaven down to this city.   Maybe, just maybe, Nany will sprinkle one of those pieces a little harder and it will hit someone over the head to give me a second look.  Maybe she needs to hit me over the head so I can see what I am doing wrong.  Whatever it is, I hope hits someone because this part is not fun.  

I Love You, Half-Eaten Chocolates

I am a huge fan of Valentine’s Day.  As someone who is single, and will not be receiving chocolates or roses or even a Valentine, many would think I would want to boycott this day.  That is not the case here. 

I think what I like most about this day is that it gives me a warm feeling inside.  It makes me want to hug people, tell them I love them, and show an appreciation of having them in my life.  You don’t have to be “in love” but I think if you know what that feeling and emotion is, you can’t help but be a little sentimental. 

What makes me smile the most is the silly little things that you would never want on any other day from someone.  Just tonight, I had to make a run by the grocery store and I passed a stuff animal that was this adorable fat bee, with a big smile holding a heart that says “Bee Mine”.  You can’t get much cheesier than that and I swear I almost bought it for myself. 

The other thing I love about this day, that cracks me up every time, is seeing a heart shaped box of chocolates, where just about every single piece has been bitten into, with the other half left behind.  The boxes are always full of surprises and we never end up liking half of what is in them.  But for some reason, anytime I see a half eaten chocolate, I have to smile.  I think I may need to stop by and pick up my own box to take a few bites out of this year. 

Love is a fantastic feeling and it is something that everyone needs.  It is proven!  Everyone needs love.  Of course I wish I had a sweetheart of my own this year, but since I don’t, I will spend my day making sure that all the people that I do love are aware of it.  Yes, I should do it every day, and honestly I think I am pretty good at making sure the people in my life know how important they are to me, but Valentine’s Day is just another good excuse to remind them.  

Poor Baby

The greatest love story I have ever heard is the one of Jack and Jenny Weeks.  They were best friends from the 4th grade and were married 65 years.  I may be off a year or two, but that doesn’t matter.  Jack and Jenny are better known to me as Nany and Pop.  When Nany passed away last year, I didn’t think Pop was going to make it through the heartache.  The man completely surprised me though.  He did really well and I think it was because the woman he loved more than anything in this world was no longer suffering.   No matter what ever happens in this world, Nany and Pop are permanently in my heart. 

Pop is not doing so well at the moment and it is breaking my heart tonight.  He is a huge part of my life and I still have a hard time dealing with Nany being gone.  Honestly, some days it doesn’t even really feel like Nany is gone.  She still feels so close to me.  I wear her wedding ring every single day because I love that it is a symbol of a love that was so grand.

I am not sure if I ever shared this before, but there is a card that I keep on my dresser at home with a picture of a dog on it.  Nany sent it to me when I was living in San Francisco.  I think I was sick or something.  She wrote in it that the dog was there to watch over me and give me a “poor baby” any time I needed one.  “Poor baby” was her line.  Anytime I was sad, sick, lonely…whatever… all I had to do was call her and she would make it better by saying “poor baby”.  It always worked too. 

Pop caught on as well and emailed me some “poor baby coupons”.  Yes, he actually learned how to send emails after the age of 80.  Nany loved sending cards.  Pop loves sending emails.  It didn’t matter how my “poor baby” got to me, they were always there to provide them. 

Pop is getting a “poor baby” from me tonight.   It makes me smile saying that, because I know how silly and trivial that sounds to others.  For this family though, it’s just another way of saying, “I love you”. 

Warm and Fuzzy (by yourself)

I promise this up front: This entry is not going to have direction or purpose.

I have faith that life works out the way it is supposed to.  About one night a month I need a pep talk.  Tonight is that night.  I am in the middle of one as I write via text from San Francisco.  I usually get something silly from this friend which always helps, and not because I want something silly, but because if I needed something deeper, I know I could get it from this friend.  I think just knowing that exists if needed is enough to tide me over. 

Valentine’s Day is this weekend.  I love Valentine’s Day.  Even when I am single there is something fantastic about the concept of a day that celebrates giddiness, love, affection and cut out paper hearts.  I guess maybe just knowing the possibility of love could be around every corner of each new day makes us hopeless (hopeful) romantics a little warm and fuzzy inside. 

When you are an MFT student, people tend to assume you analyze everything about them.  For those out there that are not MFT students, I can promise you, that is not the case.  I do think though that combining that course of study with working in an environment that I work in scares a lot of people away.  People assume everything, or maybe I should say, assume very specific things.  Things aren’t always what they seem.  Wanting to make a change in the world, even if it is only for a few hundred people, should not be interpreted as a negative thing.  That sounds like a ridiculous statement.  Unfortunately, it’s not because there are people that do think that way. 

Looking back, this entry does have direction and purpose.  It all actually ties together.  Faith, pep talks, Valentine’s Day, feeling misrepresented by your career choices…it all ties in.  Feeling “warm and fuzzy” by yourself only feels so “warm and fuzzy” especially in LA.

Like I said, these nights are few and far between.  I shared this night tonight.  

My Next Move in Sorry

I really needed to write tonight, but what I needed to write was too personal for my blog.  I keep a journal for nights like these.  I poured about a page and a half into it and had to quit mostly because my right hand really does feel like it is going to fall off.  I got a lot out and onto paper, but there is still so much that is in my head and for some reason I feel like non-descriptive typing is going to help. 

The thing I think I like the most about my private journal is that I can look back and read what was going on in my head during my last entry.  I have entries that make me cry, entries that literally make me laugh, entries that I shake my head about and entries that I smile about because I realize I have come full circle from whatever I was thinking at the time. 

Tonight I am finding myself wanting to apologize to a few people because I am able to see more clearly things that I was doing at the time that probably weren’t the right things to be doing.  Ok, let me rephrase that… I acted in ways I shouldn’t have acted.  (In no way should the word “probably” be in there).  And no, there was nothing illegal or immoral or whatever else you are thinking… I just was acting ridiculous.  I have acted in ways that are not the way I would ever want someone to see me, much less see myself.  I acted off of some thought in my head that didn’t make any sense and for some reason made sense at the time. 

It’s difficult to go back and say I am sorry to some of these people though.  Some of them I have burned bridges with and I don’t think they are bridges that you can just mend by saying something like, “Oh I am sorry – I was just thinking crazy stuff at that time in my life”.  If they knew who I was now, maybe they would be ok with what I wanted to say, but these people didn’t know me well enough to be able to get past whatever happened.  On the flip side, there are a few people that have stepped right back into my life after the “I’m Sorry” phone call and I thank God for them every single day. 

I am going to have to think on this one.  I am not sure if the “sorry’s” I want to say are for my own benefit or if they would really do any good.  I am a believer that saying you are sorry will never be a bad thing, but I just don’t want to do it for the wrong reason.  I don’t want to do it just so I will feel better about it.  It’s like what they say (whomever “they” are) about when someone cheats, they shouldn’t tell the significant other if all it would be doing is getting the guilt off of themselves.  They should be doing it to help the situation (and no, this is not about cheating so stop thinking that way).  I just want to do the right thing.  That’s all any of us should do – the right thing.  

Love at First Sight

You know, I think that most of the TV shows that MTV produces are pretty lame.  And the fact that I just used the word lame is pretty MTV-ish.  But with that being said, I have just finished watching my second episode of “The Buried Life” and I actually think it is pretty decent.  To be honest, I am kind of surprised it took this long for someone to come up with the concept of the show.  Or maybe it is just that it took this long for others to think it was a decent idea.  If you haven’t seen it, it is worth half an hour of your life. 

A few of the guys in the show remind me of some people I went to college with.  Thinking about these people make me contemplate what it is that makes people on the East Coast and the West Coast so different.  Don’t get me wrong…there are great people here and great people there… And of course there are crappy people on both coasts as well.  I have met many people in Los Angeles that think the people here don’t have the same kindness about them as the people in other parts of the country.  I am not sure what I think about that.  I have met some people here with hearts bigger than I can imagine someone having.  Then again, I have met some very “cold” people as well.   I am not convinced it is an East-West thing. 

My mother actually made a point the other day that really got me thinking.  She mentioned that the worst thing about people trying to date these days is that people don’t take the time to get to know others at all before they write them off.  She is right.  People say that they don’t believe in love at first site, but there are countless people that pass on a second date after spending an hour of fantastic conversation with someone else, just because they don’t look exactly the way they want them to.  I have done it.  I have had people do it to me.  It sucks because we pass on people that could end up being great.  It was easier when we were younger and you met people at school and had to take the time to get to know them.  The people I have cared about the most in my life are not people I would have given a second glance in a crowded room.  But to this day, they are still some of the most attractive people I have ever met because I really know them.  That kind of attractiveness doesn’t go away overnight.  In fact, that type of attraction tends to grow. 

It’s actually kind of funny – when I think about it, I have found it harder to get to know people then further West I move.   North Carolina is a piece of cake.  Midwest was easy too, although I think my industry had a lot to do with that.  Maybe it is an East-West thing.  Who knows.  I just know I don’t want to make any judgments at a first glance and I most definitely do not believe in love at first sight.  

Babies and Brides

There seems to be a lot of weddings and babies happening recently.  With the tool of Facebook, it is so easy to keep up with other people and see what is happening in their lives, even if they are thousands of miles away. 

This year, two of my closest friends are having huge life events.  My best friend is getting married.  I am so thrilled that I get to be her maid of honor and think, almost daily, about any little things I can do that would make the day even more special for her.  I am so thrilled for her.  She deserves to have an amazing man in her life and although I have never met her fiancé, she is as happy as I have ever seen her and I that is all that counts. 

Another girlfriend is pregnant with her 2^nd child and I am so excited to soon be an “Aunt” to who a little girl who will most undoubtedly be absolutely beautiful and brilliant.  Again, another woman who deserves the world.  I just finished wrapping up her gift, which is more for Emma’s mom than it is for Emma. 

Add the other 50+ “friends” of mine that are doing the “baby thing” right now (and luckily most of them have already done the “marriage thing”) and there are a lot of new happy families being created. 

Babies and weddings are just fantastic.  I love watching people I love have wonderful things happen in their lives.  I hope to experience both of those things myself one day.   If not, at least I can say I was an aunt and a maid of honor for two of the most fantastic women I know.  

Smash Therapy

I am watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.  People make fun of this stuff but this stuff is real.  People feel pain.  They use substances to hide their pain.  They use people to hide their pain.  I get it.  I see it every day I go to the shelter. 

I am past the point where I want to “save” someone.  A few years ago, I probably wanted to do that.  I can’t do that anymore even though I probably try to every time I see someone that needs help.  At 32, I keep thinking I am going to stumble across someone who is healthy, happy, and ready to give themselves to someone else.  My dates prove otherwise. 

This show really promotes what they call “expressive therapy”.  Basically, imagine being able to take out all of your rage on a car or an art board.  You can throw thing, beat things, smash things, etc.  It’s like Sally’s Smash Shack in San Diego. I am not sure I believe in this type of therapy. 

People beat the crap out of cars, TVs, whatever they can get their hands on.  I don’t believe in it, because it is being destructive against something else.  It is taking out your anger on something else physically.  I work every day to help protect people that need to get away from that.  Then I see what it is like, when someone can take out those emotions in a very controlled environment.  There is something that can heal people when they let their physical anger out on a controlled object and have it contained in that situation.  I get it.  I understand it.  Then again, I feel like there are other options. 

Obviously I am a little conflicted.  What can be good in some situations can be bad in others.  I guess what it comes down to is that everyone needs to be able to let his or her emotions out somehow.  In no way, shape or form should anyone be allowed to take those emotions out physically on someone else.  But doesn’t physical exercise serve kind of the same purpose?  I have taken kick boxing classes, and trust me, after a long day, it feels good to get in there and punch the hell out of something. 

I had dinner this evening with a person that I absolutely love – someone I have known basically for as long as I can remember.  They are a good person.   I like having these types of people in my life.  I need more of them.  If you find one, tell them to call me.  I am taking applications.  They make me not need this type of smash therapy.  

Glitter Glue and Staples

To share some of my sunshine today, one of my kids at the shelter made me a “book”.  I asked the kids to make up some “thank you” art books for some of the supporters of our organization and this evening when I was getting ready to leave, I stopped by the kitchen to see what they had created. 

To backtrack a little on my story, a few days ago one of my 5 year olds was playing in my office and right in the middle of my conversation with her mom, she looked up at me and said, “your office has the best toys”.  I’ll admit it.  I felt proud of my office toys.  

This evening, when I walked in to see how the art projects were going, the same 5 year old said, “Look!  This is for you! I made it for you,”.  She handed me what appeared to be about 5 pieces of construction paper, folded in half to make a book.  I looked at the front of her creation and there was a huge red heart with the writing “to play with you” written across it.  She had then written her and her sister’s name next to it.  I went to open the book and found that…well…it was a little difficult to open with glitter glue and staples fastening the entire book shut.  I smiled and thanked her profusely as it may have been the best book I have ever been given.  There is nothing better than the smile on a child’s face when they know you are proud of them. 

I liked today.  It was a tough one, that is for sure, but I liked it.  I found out once again how small this world is and I wonder why it really seems to be showing me that fact in LA.  I found out that a friend of mine might have a great chance of getting an incredible, which thrills me to pieces, because she deserves to be in a job that makes her happy.  I found out that people do usually burn their own bridges if you let things run their course, as true colors do come out.  I learned that the next few weeks are going to be some tough ones, but they don’t seem so bad when you are happy with what you are doing in life and love the people that you surround yourself with.  I think the best thing I learned today though, and I can promise you this - glitter glue and staples make the best short stories you will ever read.  

Worth Every Penny

I am so excited.  Tomorrow I am traveling to Colorado to spend the (long) weekend with one of my best friends David.  As I was telling him today, I am proud of this trip.  That sounds strange, but if you know me well, you know how I budget, spend wisely, don’t use credit cards the way they are meant to be used, and am deathly afraid of debt. 

When David asked me to come out to see him, I hesitated for a second when I looked at the plane ticket prices, but then said to myself, “this is the best way you could possibly spend this money”.  Going to Colorado to spend the weekend with David is what life is about!  I don’t need to spend that money on anything more important then being able to spend real quality time with someone that I love and honestly, I hate the fact that I haven’t done it more in the past.  David is priceless and I need to remember that when it comes to him and the other people in my life that I care about so much. 

I have had friends that have invited me to all different places and have asked me to do some amazing things.  Unfortunately I have passed on some of those things that I think would have been life long memories. 

I guess the important thing is to take those opportunities to do the things you want to do…and take those opportunities now.   As a friend just reminded me, you never know when the things you have could be gone, and I know it is so cliché, but it is so very true too.  There are still so many things I want to do, things I want to share with other people.  Denver here I come…it will be worth every single penny.  And I promise to start spending more of those pennies when it comes to things like this!

What Comes To Mind

I want to go to Thailand and explore the religious culture and the seaside life.

I prayed tonight for those two little girls who walked to the cab with me, both holding my left hand, one in front of the other, the 3 yr old in front grasping my thumb and the two year old behind her, grasping my pinky…they came in with no trust of anyone except their mother.  They left with smiles on their faces and trusting that love exists in this world.  They also now know what their nose, mouth, eyes, ears, head and knee is in English.  And they know they are very ticklish on their knees.

I am looking forward to spending 3 whole days with one of the men that I love most in this world next weekend.  David is and always be one of my very, very bestest friends.  He defines true friendship. 

I miss random conversations with two women from San Francisco – one, a vegan with an amazing talent behind the camera, two, a burlesque dancer who would braid my hair into pigtails before I left work for the ride home across the Bay Bridge with the top down.  I always got whistled at with those braids.  I found that odd. 

I feel disgusted by the narcissistic and dishonest personality of someone I know, who is completely oblivious of their state.  That makes sense, considering they are completely narcissistic. 

I think that Chesley Handley is pretty hilarious although her humor some nights can be even a little too…errr…inappropriate even for me. 

I need to figure out how to get Lindsey a brownie wedding cake.  I wish that bakery would return some pricing to me.  I found a good one and I think it will work.  Lindsey should have exactly what she wants.  She deserves it more than anyone I know. 

The card that Nany sent me a few years ago when I was sick is staring at me right now.  The dog on the front of it was named Toby on the day that Nany went to Heaven.  She said he was there to watch over me.  Now she is watching over me.  I miss talking to her.  She defines Love.  I wear her wedding ring every single day.  She was married for something like 65 years.  I wish I had asked her more about her grand love affair with my grandfather.  They ARE love. 

It is interesting when you can tell that someone is feeling awkward and wants to discontinue a conversation because they are feeling that way.  

I can’t believe Lisa moved to Sydney.  I am so happy that she did because it is going to be an amazing adventure for her and Matt.  I never met Matt and wish I had.  I miss seeing her almost every day though. 

I kind of wish I had siblings.  When my parents die, my family is gone. 

I feel bad that I missed seeing a movie with a girlfriend tonight.  I hope she will reschedule with me.  Maybe I can get her to come over and watch 500 Days of Summer with me.  I think she would like it. 

I have to do some really random things tomorrow like fill out a grant form for Pepperdine and send a card to an ex-uncle in law.  I really need to start studying for next week’s quiz too.

These are the things I am thinking at 4:38am.

"Alone" in 2010

New Years Eve 2009 is most definitely one I will not forget.  It was a day that in no way turned out the way I would have planned it, but in no means would I have changed it. 

When the clock struck midnight, I had just parked my car at my apartment and was walking to the elevator.  Fireworks sound much different from a subterranean parking garage.   I had spent the previous hour and a half on work and not by choice, but we do the things we need to do when they need to be done.  Especially the important things. 

I dropped my stuff in my apartment and walked back downstairs and out the back door where I took a seat by the pool.  For the next 10 minutes and watched the fireworks explode over the Pacific Ocean, alone.

I watched them alone, but I in no means was lonely. 

Earlier in the evening I enjoyed a fantastic dinner with a girlfriend and her husband.  I had expected to have a date with me, but I should have known better then to count on this date to follow through.  3 out of 5 dates, have been cancelled last minute for no other reason then “being tired”.    (Yes, I get it now). 

On the way to dinner, I pointed out that it was a full moon.  My friend’s husband began to explain that not only was it a full moon, but it was actually a real “once in a blue moon”.  The moon we were looking at was the 2nd full moon in one month.  This rare accordance (which coined the blue moon phrase) won’t happen again until 2028.  I couldn’t think of a better way to start a new year…a new decade. 

At dinner I excused myself for a moment and when I walked back to the table I noticed a dime on the floor.  I walked about 3 steps past it and stopped.   I am one of those people who always pick up pennies.  There are very few that I walk past.  With a smile on my face I turned around and picked up the dime and said silently in my head, as I do with each penny I pick up, “Find a penny, pick it up, all that day you’ll have good luck”.   I thought of the possibility that here I was, picking up the equivalent of 10 pennies on the night that people all over the world are celebrating 2010 and how maybe, with the combination of the blue moon, it would bring me luck for the next 10 years.  I am keeping that coin for a little while. 

After numerous topics throughout the night, on the drive home the conversation led to how it really is true that you have to be completely comfortable and successful in a relationship with yourself before you will be successful in one with another person.  You have to be in the place with yourself where you are alone, but not lonely. 

I was alone on New Years Eve when the clock struck midnight.  But the truth is, I really enjoyed sitting on the side of the pool watching the fireworks by myself.  I had a blue moon, a lucky dime, fireworks and a smile on my face as I started my 2010.  And there is NOTHING lonely about that.