When Journalists Don't Think

I was pretty irritated when I read a news article tonight.  I hate to admit that the majority of my “top stories” come from the front page of AOL when logging into my email, but unfortunately that is the case at the moment.  Honestly I wish I could convince the LA Times to deliver just the front page to my door step each morning, but the fact that every morning is spent racing out the door and doing my makeup in my rear view mirror at the stop lights between my apartment and the 405 doesn’t leave much room for reading even the front page.

Ok, back to my point….

On AOL today there was a headline that caught my attention and the story turned out to be about a woman who was a victim of domestic violence.  After being assisted in changing her social security number to create a new identity, she was charged with fraud for wracking up too many student loans between the two SS#s. 

Here is why I am pissed… Ok, yes, the woman did something wrong. Fraud can be a felony and in this case, it is. But why in the world, does the media have to plaster this woman’s face and name over the national news and make the entire world aware of not only who she is, but where she is living?  I will tell you this – if this woman was able to get an agency to change her social security number and her complete identity, she was involved in a very bad domestic violence situation.  An agency is not going to change your identity unless this person was stalking you, continually tracking you down, not obeying restraining orders, etc.  This woman had to have been in a really horrible situation and now, because some journalist had nothing else to write about, this woman is out there, not only for the world to see, but once again, for her batterer to see. 

I am by no means saying what this woman did was right.  Fraud is a horrible thing and she should face the consequences of it.  But just because she did something against the law does not mean this woman deserves to have to be discovered by a complete monster she has worked so hard to hide from. 

I used to work in media, so I understand that there are stories out there that will interest the public.  And public interest is what makes ratings happen which in turn increases revenue.  Trust me – I GET IT.  But now I am on the other side of this, working every day to try and help women get away from horrible, horrible people who have hurt them in ways that you don’t even want to begin to think about.  And not every one of them is perfect and many of them have made poor choices.  It still doesn’t mean they deserve to be physically and mentally abused.  No one deserves that.  I don’t care what you do.  I just wish media outlets and journalist would really think about these things before they throw a story like this up on the front page for the world to see.  This is a perfect example of how some people don’t think about how something they do can really affect another person.  Think people.   Just THINK sometimes… This was one story a writer could have passed on, and should of.

Requiescat in pace

I am not really sure what I think in regards to people being in tune with others.  My mom swears by it… says she knows when I am up to something or feels like she should call me.  I hear other people talk about this too – like with a sister or someone they are really close to. 

There are definitely times that I have felt a sudden urge to call someone and they pick up the phone saying that they were just thinking about me.  An old friend from San Francisco does this to me a lot where I will think of him randomly and get an email from him 30 seconds later.  Tonight, I thought about someone who I haven’t thought of in quite a while, and haven’t spoken to in over 10 years.  I was extremely close to this person for a while but because of not seeing eye-to-eye with his mother, we eventually stopped speaking.  I “Googled” him for the heck of it tonight, and the second webpage is his mother’s obituary from yesterday morning.  Coincidence?   I honestly don’t know. 

I like thinking that God has us connected to one another in ways that we aren’t even conscious of.  I have always thought that people are put into our lives for certain reasons and that we are supposed to learn something from every single person that crosses our path.  I wonder if when someone crosses my mind, or if I get a strange feeling about someone, if that is God’s way of saying I need to contact them.  I wonder if when we run into someone on the streets that we haven’t seen in years, is it because we have unfinished business with them?  I like to think so.  It seems that in this complex and amazing world we are in, we would be connected on a higher level.  At least at a level above Facebook or Blackberry Messenger. 

It is in no way appropriate that I contact this old friend or send the traditional Peace Lily that I would want to.  I just hope and pray that my old friend’s family is doing OK during this time of their loss.  Rest in Peace P.G.

24 Hours of Christmas

12am:  It is officially Christmas.  I wonder what I thought I would be doing this time last year on Christmas.  I have the same thought every year at about this time.  “It’s Christmas.  I wonder what I will be doing next year at this time?”.

1am:  No thoughts yet.  I am asleep.  Dreams have not come into my head yet. 

2am:  Same thing.  Sleep and no dreams. 

3am: Still more of nothing although Santa is probably up and about in many, many houses.  Come to think of it, he probably isn’t.  Parents that are doing Santa’s duties probably do these things just before they go to bed.  It wouldn’t really make sense to set an alarm for the absolute middle of the night to get up but I don’t know.  I haven’t done it before.  It’s a shame really.

4am:  I am most definitely dreaming at this point.  I was at a car dealership and half of the people working there were old radio sales people.  We are all driving different cars into a conference room.  I drive the Range Rover that has a seat that moves in the direction of where you are turning.  I need to analyze this one.   The Range Rover is white. 

5am:  Still dreaming.  I know this is a dream as sometimes I am consciousness enough to know.  I think this is a little strange at first but know it really isn’t.  The concept of the moving seat is interesting.  It’s hard to explain, but it really does make sense when you are driving the car. 

6am:  Why am I writing sometime for every hour I am asleep?

7am:  There is not much else to say when I am asleep. 

8am:  Whew.  8am is the last full hour I am asleep.  No more filling up space.  

9am:  The alarm goes off.  My snooze button lasts for 5 minutes and is pushed 8 times.  What time does this mean Julie got out of bed?  Trick question.  It’s way too warm outside to really feel like Christmas. 

10am:  Chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.  Why not?  I talk to my grandfather who is in great spirits even though he is spending Christmas alone for the first time in something like 65 years.   He doesn’t like going to other people’s houses on holidays or any other days.  I thought I would worry about this today, but honestly he sounds good. 

11am:  I play Tripoly with my parents and call a neighbor whose husband recently died.  I know she doesn’t want to come over because she doesn’t want the attention on herself with it being her first year without him.  I have the exact same idea as my father though.  I ask if her recently adopted dog would like to come over for lunch and to play games and that if she wants to, she can come too.  I call Vic.  He’s trying to find a surf spot in San Francisco.  It is way to cold in that water to be surfing. 

12pm:  I finish my very first attempt of making Shrimp Thermadore for Christmas lunch.  We usually have it on Christmas Eve but my mom doesn’t eat meals during the evening hours anymore.  I take a picture of the meal to send to my old neighbor who lived across the street when I was growing up.  Their family used to come and eat dinner with us and one year, when he was celebrating Christmas with his first finace, he said he was bummed he didn’t get to have the meal.  My mom always complained about how hard it was to make this meal.  It is not difficult.  Plus, it takes no time at all.  It just “tastes expensive”.

1pm:  I talk to a few more people that are people you want to talk to on Christmas, just to let them know you care.  I think about how it is sort of unfortunate that we only talk to certain people on holidays.  For example, Lindsey’s brother…He’s a good guy and I am glad I get to say hello to him.  But why do I only say hello on holidays?  It’s like sending flowers to someone at their funeral.  I know, it is what you are supposed to do, but I don’t send people flowers when they are alive.  They can’t appreciate them when they have died.  Then again, you aren’t really sending them to the person who is gone, but to the family.  And they appreciate it.  At least I appreciate that kind of stuff. 

2pm:  The neighbor and her dog come over.  We drink sparkling cider and play Tripoly.  She has gone to see the new Penelope Cruz movie – the Spanish one with subtitles.  I think about how I hate movies with subtitles because I don’t think you can pay as much attention to the actual cinematography if you are reading what the person is saying.  Yes, I know if it possible to do both, but I just don't like it. 

3pm:  I go next door to lay down.  My stomach hurts, probably because I had chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.  And one hour after breakfast.  And one at lunch.  Plus a few more after that. 

4pm:  Why are naps so nice in the afternoon?  I didn’t sleep, but just laying down and doing nothing is nice.  I click through a few pictures online on recently posted pictures.  I find that one of my friends is separated by 1 person from random people I know.  The pictures are bizarre.  Not scary bizarre but in the kind of bizarre that you are intrigued and want to know more.  Ok, some of the pictures are scary bizarre.  Not ones I would show my parents.  I begin watching “Love Actually” with my dad.  He loves this movie and laughs at parts of it, like he has never seen it before.  I wonder why he does this.  I like it though.

5pm:  I am hungry and we think the only place that is open is the Jewish deli down the hill.  This is good, because I am in the mood for matzo ball soup.  The place is packed.  David calls back and we speak for a very short period of time.  Friends are great.  I love this guy and am so happy he is in my life.  We find Vanilla Syrup in the grocery area of the deli.  It’s like Chocolate Syrup that you put on ice cream or in milk to make chocolate milk, but it is vanilla instead.  I think this is an odd creation, but also think it makes sense. 

6pm:  I don’t really want to go look at anymore Christmas lights even though I love looking at lights.  Pulling out of the parking lot I realize that there are a lot more places then I would have thought that are open. 

7pm:  I decide to lay down again and open the computer because I feel like I am having a creative moment.  I try to find a few quotes to design around but I have nothing. 

8pm:  As early as it is, I am tired.  I call my Dad to tell him I am going to bed and to wish him Merry Christmas again.  Oh yeah, I am staying next door because my mom is getting up in the middle of the night and going to sleep in the guest room.  It is partly due to the fact my dad snores and that she can’t quit coughing.

9pm:  I am sound asleep.  How can a day of doing a bunch of nothing be so tiring?  Oh yeah….families can do that to you.

10pm:  Of course I am not going to be able to sleep the whole night through.  I wake up at about 10:15pm and go next door for something.  I end up with a glass of milk and another chocolate chip cookie.  Why did I decide to bake these? 

11pm:  I decide to write a blog about the 24 hours of my Christmas this year.  I keep thinking it would be cool if I finished before it gets to be midnight again.  It’s 11:48pm and I have just finished.  It will take me a few minutes to find a photo to match this one so the time stamp won’t be the same.  No biggy.  Merry Christmas.

Being a Tom

I am “home” for the Christmas holiday in San Diego.  I love my job – and I mean LOVE my job, but it is nice to get a few days off and not have to worry about work or school.  I stopped by my favorite restaurant/bar this evening to grab a glass of wine and say hello to the people I know there.  It’s definitely my “Cheers” bar, where everybody knows my name, but not the type of bar you would expect it in.  And I must admit, it is nice to walk in after almost 6 months and have the bartender look over with a smile and say, “Jules! Where have you been?”.  Trust me – I wasn’t that much of a regular there – I just think they felt bad for me when I was there because I really didn’t know anyone in town and always found comfort in pulling up a chair and chatting it up with them. 

They treat me well, and trust me it is not that I am a big tipper – they all know what I do for a living and I hardly ever have more than one drink… But it’s nice to be a part of their “in” crowd.  I knew I had “made it” the night I was sitting on the deck with a friend from the gym and they turned off the lights and waved goodbye as we sat there finishing up our wine, staring off into the ocean.  You literally would land on the sand if you flipped over their railing.  It is the PERFECT location…for anything. 

So I explain this all because as I was sitting there tonight, talking about houses and relationships with the manager, (these are always our conversation topics) I said to him, “Wow – you really are cynical”.  He replied in a very matter-of-fact way, “No, I am French”.  In his eyes, these seem to be one in the same.  His view on relationships is very “take it or leave it” and that everything ends up ruined in the end so why try and do much of anything for anyone.  It makes me sad in a way, but then I think back to times where he made comments about one of the people that I had casually dated, and how he thought that person was never going to realize how much I cared about them.  He was right about that, but it let me see a softer side of him, a more romantic side – one that made you realize that he knew what love was and was able (at some point in time) to feel it himself.   He is now 4 years into a marriage that he is walking away from, which has to be one of the reasons that the “cynical Frenchman” exists. 

I watched my latest favorite movie, “500 Days of Summer” last night after wishing people throughout the day, “Happy 500 Days of Summer Comes Out on DVD Day,”.  One of the quotes in that movie that makes me chuckle is where Summer tells Tom, “You don’t really believe in that, do you?” referring to falling in love.  Tom responds, “What?  It’s love, not Santa Claus”.  Tom falls in love, Summer doesn’t.  The story is an amazing portrait of unrequited love.  The part that breaks me every time (spoiler alert!) is where Summer tells Tom, “(I found) what I was never sure of with you”.   You can feel in yourself, Tom’s heart being ripped out.  It always hurts to hear someone didn’t feel the same way you did.   Are these the moments where people harden?  Where their wall gets another level of bricks stacked on top?  The first time I saw the movie, this was the part I began to have tears form in my eyes. 

But honestly, it made me appreciate the love I have given and not seen in return.  Trust me, I didn’t say that at the time, but looking back, I absolutely can.  I am thankful that those moments didn’t put another foot on my wall but actually made me more open to the next experience.  Why does it work that way for some people, and close other people off?  What happens, that produces a “Tom” on his quest for the next great love and what produces a cynical Frenchman?  I probably should be able to answer that having just wrapped up “Theories of Personality”, but let’s not go there at 12:31am on Christmas Eve.   

I like being a Tom.  It makes life exciting, as you never know what the new day will bring.  It makes the first date butterflies, flutter their wings that much harder.  It makes movies like “500 Days of Summer” pull on your heart strings that much tighter.  It makes love worth waiting for.  Yep, I like being a Tom. 

Wasted in Malibu

I needed a day with a girlfriend.  Sunday was that day and it was pretty much perfect.  I spent the day hiking in Malibu.  After taking a bunch of silly photos in a burned down mansion bathtub and watching a mouse run around in circles for way too long, we walked out of the woods discussing the LA dating scene and wine bars with a major TV producer and his 7 year old son…because that’s…what …you do….in Malibu…right?  Randomness. 

The hike is followed by dinner at a hole-in-the-wall seafood restaurant/fish market right along PCH.  Not North Carolina hole-in-the-wall…Malibu hole-in-the-wall.  You don’t want to know how much the basket of clam strips, cup of clam chowder and fish tacos cost.  And the sad thing is, I am now in the frame of mind that it was a deal. 

Seafood is followed by a stop at the “$4.00 for one cupcake” bakery which was worth every freakin’ penny.  Green and red frosting (it is almost Christmas) is followed by a 7 minute shopping spree (we were reminded of the 7 minutes as we entered the store) at Banana Republic where I swear still don’t know how the $79 jeans rang up for only $18.  After asking, “Are you sure?” once, I decided not to argue with the saleswoman who is use to waiting on customers that think $79 jeans are sold at Wal-Mart. 

Jean stealing was then followed by a completely illegal U-turn on PCH to make sure the object we had just passed in the road was not a person.  Someone still needs to explain to me how we were the ONLY people stopping at the sight of a stuffed coat with something that looked like a head out of the top of it, laying the in middle of the road.  After our pulse rates returned to normal we did laugh (a very thankful laugh) about how that really would have ruined the entire day.  I enjoyed the remaining drive back to West-ish LA, smiling about how the Santa Monica Ferris wheel was lit in green and red for the holidays, how when men say “She’s just a friend” we need to run, and thinking about how LA really isn’t what I thought it would be and how that is a good thing. 

I haven’t made all of the correct decisions.  I have taken left turns when I should have gone right.  I have passed objects in the road that I should have gone back to "just to make sure”.  I’ve been selfish, have put up with others who are too selfish and have come full circle to realize that in certain situations you have to be selfish.  Most importantly though I have found that sometimes wasting a day in Malibu can be the furthest thing from wasting a day.  I used to feel guilty by blowing off a day of life and not getting anything accomplished that “needed” to be done.  I am learning more and more that those “wasted” days end up being the days that I really - live.

You Make Me Feel Cozy

I bought a sweater at The Gap this weekend from their “cozy” line.  Everyone should have one of these sweaters.  Seriously, I don’t want to get out of this thing. 

I’m feeling cozy… It’s Saturday night, I am curled up on my couch watching the movie “Elf” and honestly there is not really anywhere else I would rather be.  Ok, there are a few places, but I really am content. 

Last night a couple bought a friend and me a drink at happy hour because we moved down one seat so that they could sit together.   They said it was so nice of us to have done that and were really thankful.  Granted, they had been drinking a bit, but still…that is something that should be done by anyone…because it’s the right thing to do… The fact that they were so shocked at this action makes me sad.  Just a few weeks ago I said hello to a new neighbor and got another shocked reaction.  He said “I knew something was wrong with this girl – she’s not from around here”.  Why are people so unfriendly?  San Francisco was worse, but people are more surprised by the friendliness here. 

I have never seen the movie “Elf” before tonight.  It comes on almost every day during this time of year.  I found myself laughing when Buddy was asking out his elf coworker and said “I feel really warm when I am around you”.  Why can’t we say these types of things to other people when we like them?   Why can’t I say, “You make me feel cozy”.  Wouldn’t that be a fantastic thing to hear from someone else? 

My Seven Dwarfs

Isn’t it always interesting when you find out that all of us are really just the same? Whether someone is a student, a professional, someone living in a shelter, poor, rich…whatever…we all still want the same things.

As I was sitting in my group that I lead at the shelter tonight, I was listening to one of my girls talk about how for the first time she is single and it feels fantastic. She is excited about 2010 and about learning more about herself, about what SHE wants, about who SHE is, about what SHE is going to do. For the first time, life is about making herself happy, not about trying to make someone else happy. She said though, she does miss having that person to lean her head on. That person you can call and say, “can you please pick me up some NyQuil on the way home – I can’t get myself up to do it”.

As I looked around my group class night the other night, I smiled thinking about a quote on a Starbucks cup that I had just bought. It said, “I wish we could see that we are really all the same”. Or something like that. And I found myself thinking that same thing tonight sitting in a room with two women who couldn’t be further from who I THINK I am…but that is just on the surface. The truth is, every single one of us want happiness. We all want to experience love. We want to be able to be OK with the awkward girl inside of us that comes out exactly when we want to be as cool as humanely possible. We want someone else to be OK with that awkward girl.

After work I was talking with a new girlfriend and she said something about being awkward. I love awkward. I am awkward. I am uncool. I am gitty. I am quirky. I am silly. I am passionate. I am dorky. And I love people who are awkward, uncool, gitty, quirky, silly, passionate and dorky. Those are my Seven Dwarfs in my Snow White fairytale. They follow me around and pop up when I least expect them to. We all have our dwarfs following us around in search of the same thing…happiness, love…life. We are all the same.

Welcome to Trader Joe's

Every time I read a blog, I realize that I really like writing. The one I read today was short and sweet. There was a point, but it didn’t go into a great detail on some bigger meaning. For some reason I have felt like whenever I write, it has to have some great title with the perfect picture to go with my overall message, and so on. Now I am thinking, that doesn’t really have to be the case. Maybe Twitter is why I need – but I just don’t get it. At least it’s not for me. As a marketing tool, yes. To stalk your favorite celebrity and their thoughts and whereabouts (or at least one of their publicity assistant’s thoughts on the celebrity’s thoughts and whereabouts) – yes. Me – not so much.

My point is…and really I am doing an incredible job of illustrating my point (and didn’t even mean to in this way), is that sometimes I need to just need to make a point and shut up! My ex used to joke about how my dad and I have T.J.S. . That stands for Talking Johnson Syndrome. I used to think it was funny. Now I think it may really be a syndrome I need to start exploring a cure for. If I am going to be half of the therapist I want to be, I need to shut my mouth more and listen more. I am wishing I could rewind to Saturday’s breakfast with that frame of mind. Why I think I am selling myself, by talking as much as I do, and sharing as much as I do? I don’t know.

My first step is going to be writing when I want to, because this is therapeutic for me, not feeling like I have to have the perfect title and picture (although that is a part I find very fun) with every post. I am going to Google, “TJS” and copy the first line and picture/image that comes up…title and picture – done!

Trick-or-Treating Heros

One of the reasons I like to write in my blog is so that I will remember something that happened. Tonight is Halloween and tonight I want to remember the 6 year old “Fireman” that came up to me and said, “trick or treat”.

I headed to Hermosa Beach after a last minute invite to join a girlfriend and her husband at a BBQ/candy hand-out/people-watching Halloween party. We walked down to the ocean and I found it surreal to watch families walking up and down the boardwalk trick or treating. The house we were at was 3 blocks to the sand down a very residential walking path and there were LA moms walking around with their kid’s candy bag in one hand and a glass on wine in the other.

After a while the trick-or-treaters started to dissipate which was good for us, as we had run out of candy. I had almost forgotten about the reason why dentists love this holiday, when a young boy about 6 years old walked up to me with his dad and said “trick-or-treat”. I looked down at this man’s son who had dressed up as a fireman for the evening and said, “Oh, I am so sorry. We just ran out of candy”. It was then, that this little fireman changed my frame of mind for the night. He looked right back at me with a sad little face, and said “Oh no! Here…take some of mine…”. As he reached into his bag and pulled out the biggest handful of candy he could grab, I started to wonder what he was doing. I chuckled a little and said, “It’s ok. You don’t have to give us your candy” and with the most concerned look on his face, he said, “But I have plenty… And someone might come up to you that doesn’t have any candy”. I was stunned. We went back and forth for a minute and my friend said she looked over at one point and thought to herself, “what is this kid trying to negotiate with Julie?”. We finally settled on him giving me one piece of candy just in case someone else came by. His father told me he is like this all the time – he is a really nice kid. That was not a nice kid…that was a kid who was going to change the world.

As he walked away, I thought about how impressed I was that this child could have the values and the concern for others that he had already developed. Yes, it was only candy, but he was so concerned that there would be someone else out there – someone who didn’t have what he had so much of and all he wanted to do was make sure that he could help change that.

I wonder if he picked out the fireman costume by himself, trying to play the role of a hero for the evening. What he didn’t know was that no matter what he had dressed up as, he was a hero tonight. And to top it all off…we had one more trick-or-treater come by…and just because of him, we didn’t have to turn them away empty handed.

Cheerleading is No Longer Just for Sports

I miss my blog. It’s been a long time since I have taken the time to write but for some reason, I am feeling the need to circle back here. Trust me when I say there are a zillion other things I should be writing at the moment, from papers to midterm notes to presentation slides. I have always had a hard time separating writing and reading into pleasure and work. I figure if I am reading, it should be something work or school related. And this is aside from the fact that I can watch an entire movie and not blink an eye. Point is, I miss this. It did something for me. Maybe it does more for me when I look back and read what thoughts I had in the past. I like being able to reflect on a past state of mind, a past heartache, a past epiphany.

It’s amazing to me how quickly life can change. That can be a wonderful thing when you are not 100% pleased with where you are in the world. But it can also be disastrous when you think that things couldn’t get any better. Luckily I am not in either of those two places at the moment, so I am looking forward to those random life transformations lurking around the next corner. Life is good though. LA is starting to feel a little more like home every day. I am starting to develop a few friendships here and there, although I must admit, it is harder here then anywhere I else I have lived, to meet new people. It’s nice having people around that make you feel like you.

If you haven’t seen the movie “500 Days of Summer” go see it. It’s probably on my top 5 list now. It made me appreciate those people in my life that I feel more like myself when I am with them, then I do when I am alone - those people that bring out the essence of what you love about yourself. But above all else it made me appreciate unrequited love. A few months ago I opened up to someone and told them about how they make me feel that way and how I felt like I needed more people like them in my life. I had felt that way about them for years before I told them - when I didn’t know them as well - and I still am finding myself feeling that same way, years later. It was heartbreaking to find out the feeling wasn’t really mutual. This movie made me appreciate that at least I find people like that, and if that feeling wasn't reciprocated, that doesn’t have to be the worst thing. I have learned over the years that I am able give that feeling to myself - and I feel it more and more every day.

It’s like cheerleading. In fact, I may change my title at work from Case Manager to Cheerleader. Work is really good and I have been feeling almost like a proud mom lately, or at least what I think a proud mom would feel like. I have clients that are just learning how to write. And they can do more than they expressed that they could, but didn't have the confidence. They never had the encouragement. I have clients that will finally be able to get a job because someone in this world said to them, “You can do this. I believe in you and will back you up”. I can’t imagine what I would do if I didn’t have someone to say those things to me. My parents do this for me. My grandfather does this for me. Lindsey and David do this for me. They are my cheerleaders in life. The fact that sometimes I am the only cheerleader for my clients, for someone I hardly know, makes me sad. But I am glad I can be there to shake my pom-poms for them.

From My Perspective

Yes, it has been a while. I am not sure if my interests have been lying elsewhere over the past month, or if I just haven’t needed the release that this blog has given me. Maybe a little of both.

I’ve picked up a new hobby of basic graphic design. It’s something I have always wanted to learn how to do and now I am combining it with my love of great quotes. I should probably try and get some of the images up on my website as it is the most current of any “marketing” projects I have worked on. There is something really fun about putting words into some type of image. What is even better is that people can interpret those words and images completely different than the next person. I created one image based on losing someone in a romantic way. I know of two other people who have look at that same image and one took it as missing her husband who was far away and the other as losing a loved one to death. Sometimes I think that art that is not so concrete, not so to the point, not something that can only be seen as one way, is best. What’s even better is when your same eyes can look at something one day and see something completely different the next. I am not even close to that level with my work but I am glad that at least a few of the images can mean something for one person and maybe something else for the next one to come along.

Seeing things in a different way seems to be a theme lately. My last posting touched on it quite a bit – in a sense of perspective on life. Add to that the fact that I just had eye surgery, letting me see things differently as well…literally. I am just a few days out and my eyes feel very foreign to me. Many people have asked me for a photo of what they look like right now and the closest I could come to sharing was with an artistic twist. Trust me, I am not a pretty sight at the moment.

So that’s the update. No drama. No crazy stories. And from my perspective, that’s a good thing.

i heart me

I have learned that it is amazing what can change in your life when you decide to change yourself.

I have been doing some major soul searching. Something opened my eyes and I realized what I was missing in my life was - me. I have always said that I wanted to find someone who wouldn’t give up on me when I acted like an idiot, or did the wrong thing. A person who when I tried so hard to screw up the relationship would look me dead set in the eye and say, “I am not going to let you screw this up. I am here to stay." And now I know that person…has to be me.

I took a new look at life. I took a new look at MY life. I came up with some new plans and scratched a few too. I decided that I was ok with not having plans with some things. That they just needed to happen. I wrote. I searched for things that explained in words what I was thinking. I found new mantras for myself…new reminders for myself. I did things that I have been wanting to do with someone else with myself.

Doors are starting to open. Lots of them. I am hearing and seeing things differently. My intuition is kicking in on a much different level then it has before.

Do I still want a lot of the same things I did a week ago? Of course I do. I want to be in love, I want to find a job that will fulfill me. I want to help people that are in situations that are very difficult. I still want to save the world. The difference is, I know that I can’t have these things until I am in love with myself, I fulfill myself, I help myself and I save myself.

The world looks a lot different when your eyes are open and your heart is filled with a love that can't be taken away.

Searching For My Piece of Luck

St. Patty’s Day - the day of being pinched for not wearing green. The day of four leaf clovers in hopes of bringing good luck. Not a bad day if I do say so myself. I started with a very early morning interview after a very poor night of sleep. And that was purely because I was afraid my alarm wasn’t going to go off, so you end up waking up every 30 minutes to an hour, which is no fun at all. I left for the interview with a smile on my face none-the-less. There is no reason I shouldn’t be chosen for this job. It fits me in every aspect extremely well and is one of those that I know there is so much I would bring to the table. Keep in mind I have been saying this for 18 months now. And now is the time where jobs are at the worst. You wish you could go back at the end and say “What was it that made you not choose me?”. You always wonder what that one thing you could have said or done differently was. It makes me wonder more what it is that will stick.

I started class today. I have been accepted to the Master’s in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy at Pepperdine University. The first five classes that I need to take could be waived if I had taken them in the past 7 years. So I was faced with the grueling decision of whether I wanted to take the classes at Pepperdine at $891 a credit or at a community college for $20 a credit and transfer them in. Now I have never considered myself to be a complete genius, but seriously…is there really a decision to be made here?

So my first class was interesting. It’s a little difficult to be in a class with a bunch of 18 year olds who really don’t have a clue on…a lot of things. The Britney Spears look-a-like who came in late…ok, more like the Britney Spears younger sister look-a-like, actually answered her cell phone in the middle of the lecture. Um…where did we learn that this was appropriate behavior? She must not have realized she is was class considering the only thing she brought with her was her phone and purse. But she looked cute! I ended up having my palm read after class by a Psych PhD. I got the “extremely intelligent and ambitious” to “not trusting people very easily” to “highly emotional”. He ended by looking at me and saying, “And you think…too much”. He is right about that one.

I’m getting better though. I am trying to learn how to be accepting of the way things are, more specifically how the way certain people are…how I fit into their world, or how they can fit into mine. Trying hard not to require a definition but have enough understanding so I don’t feel completely lost. Not there yet, but it could happen. That’s the beauty of all of this. Anything could happen.

Told you I’d be back to my happy self.

My role is done

I trust people. I trust them until they give me a reason not to. And even once they given a reason not to, I admit, there have been times I have trusted them again.

I think maybe I give too much. Maybe to the point where I have become transparent. In the sauna today I was talking with the girl who does wardrobes up in LA. She said, “You give a lot others”. She doesn’t know me at all. I do give a lot to others. If you don’t get much in return can that run out?

My heart hardened today. I felt that someone I cared about was not who they appeared to be and it made me feel cold towards them. Then I was worried about them. Really worried about them. And softened again. Then you find out truths and you just feel sad. I want to take things back. Things I have said to them. Things I have done for them. I want to take them all back. My biggest problem with when I give anything to someone is I am naive to when I am being used. And I don't recognize it until it becomes painfully obvious. And I do mean painfully.

It's not overwhelmed I feel. It's that feeling that you get when you know the time, energy, passion, compassion, care, and thought that you have put into something has done nothing. It's not recognized. It's not appreciated. It just doesn’t matter.

I need to be watered. I need a huge CPR breath. A breath that will fill me up again. I need an IV. I need something back…from something. And I know I need to find that myself.

I'll give myself another 24 hours. Then I'll be back to my happy me. Promise.

Don't Be Reckless

As I go through each day, I find myself taking notes. I take notes on a lot of things. Everything from a story I want to tell my best friend to something I need to remember to do later on. Over the last few days I have collected notes on this blog. And what is interesting is, they all seem to gravitate around the same theme, although I can promise you that was never an intention. They were just random thoughts that I wanted to be able to come back to and think through.

I thought through a lot of these things over the last few days. And today I was able to spend a lot of time by myself and really mulled things over. A lot of it is probably coming from my night last night. I spent the evening with a girlfriend from the gym – and met some new girlfriends in the process. It was a great night and it was wonderful to be out with someone who really is vested in you as you are with them. And what amazed me most, was at the end of the evening, the two girls I was with picked up the entire tab because they knew the situation I am in. Trust me, I fought it but didn’t win. And what amazes me is I don’t even get the tab picked up by men I go out with. I don’t ever expect it, but it is nice thing every once in a while, especially if it is in a dating situation.

My friend Ellen knows a lot about me from conversations that we have had at the gym. She always makes me feel so good about myself. She worries about me, like she says, any Jewish mother would. And recently she has been more concerned, as have I, that I am getting myself into a situation that won’t ever be what I want it to be. I am walking straight into a broken heart, and unfortunately know that I am. But I explained something to her last night and it came from a second revelation from my previous entry about “Ego Tripping”. I have been so wrapped up in so many areas of my life, focusing on one specific thing happening, that I miss out on all of the other things around me. But after the day I had this past Tuesday, I had another thought. I was in a moment (literally) that I couldn’t be happier in. I had exactly what I wanted right then. And I knew when I closed my eyes that night, that ever part of that moment would be gone so rather than keeping my heart behind a wall, I opened myself up, for just that moment. And I did it because if that was all I was ever going to get, I wanted to have ever bit of that moment. The problem lies in the fact that once that moment is gone, my brain (and heart) are still conscious of its existence. And that is where I get myself in trouble and where I get hurt.

But that leads me into the thing that I have always believed. Although now, I think I am beginning to question it. I have always believed that I would much rather have a broken heart, than to have never felt the things that brought me to that point of sadness. It’s similar to the cliché of “Better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved”. I probably end up getting hurt a lot more than I should with that frame of mind. I open myself up thinking that maybe, this time, it may work. It will be different. The problem is, I haven’t dated a man with any true kindness in a very long time. It’s not because I am picking the wrong ones. I just haven’t met anyone with understands what being kind to someone else is. One of my favorite lines/quotes is “Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours”. I follow the first part like it was scripture.

I don’t think I ask for a lot. Or maybe I do. I just have started to forget what it feels like to be treated well by a man. And that is why I have to continue to just do that for myself.

Quit Ego Tripping

Have you ever heard a song 1,000 times but never really listened to it? I mean REALLY listened to it. I was introduced to the Flaming Lips a couple of months ago and fell in love. There were a few songs that I was listening to a lot and many of them, I knew the words to, but today I really listened to it. I am not sure why, I wasn’t in some deeper meaning mood – I was just driving a long the 163 on the way to meet an old Board Member of mine and there they were. These lyrics that I needed to hear. And it wasn’t even the first time I listened to it that drive. I tend to get in a “specific song mood” and I will listen to something like 10 times over and over. I think I was on round 2 and there they were. I thought about them the rest of the day. I got to work and looked them up online and there they were – staring me in the face.

Keep in mind I have never heard this song outside of my own iPod. After work I felt like I needed to clear my head for a moment. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to discuss anything. I wanted to sit and think about everything that these lyrics had brought to my attention. And as I paid for my beer at a random dive bar in Solano Beach I heard those lyrics for the first time ever, outside of the confounds of my own car. I literally laughed out loud. I get it.

So that you don’t have to do your homework, I have posted the lyrics to “Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell” by the Flaming Lips below.

I don’t want to explain this one. It’s not necessary for me this time. I guess I just need this posted as my permanent reminder. A reminder to quit ego tripping.


“Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell”
By: The Flaming Lips

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
All the billion other moments
Were just slipping all away

I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

I was wanting you to love me
But your love it never came
All the other love around me
Was just wasting all away

I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
But the moment never came

The Definition of Redefine

I have heard a lot of talk about redefining yourself lately. Just last night I was watching a late night political talk show with a friend and the question on whether Americans will be able to recreate themselves in this economy came up. The same topic came up in a conversation between myself and someone I met, while sitting in a class at Pepperdine this week. I went up there to experience a class as my decision has been made to pursue my next graduate degree there.

The conversation I had was about how it takes courage to walk away from the definition of who you are – the person you have created over time. You are walking away from something you thought you were or at least wanted to be and transforming your world, or at least trying to, into something completely different. I am not talking about the essence of who someone is. That is not something that changes with school or career. I am talking about changing what you do on a daily basis. What you will do with the majority of your time. Whether you are making money for a large corporation, or barely getting by doing something you are extremely passionate about. It does affect the essence of who you are – you can’t spend that much time doing something and not have it affect you on a deeper level. And to be honest, I am scared sh*tless at the moment. I am getting ready to invest a great deal of time and money into something that I believe is going to make me feel fulfilled at the end of the day. The time I have - the money I don’t. Trying to figure out how to make that work is not easy. It makes you feel better though when you have a 20 minute conversation with someone you’ve just met and they tell you they are proud of you – because they can tell you are doing the right thing. I have gotten that a lot. It helps.

On top of those thoughts I am sitting in a sick house. My family is in bad shape and it is amazing to me how bad you feel when you are in a stale, sick environment. I was lucky to be able to stay out last night and wake up away from all of it in a room that was filled with fresh air. It's amazing though how quickly I’ve gone down hill since I got back here to the house. I keep trying to get myself up and go to the gym but this environment can drain the strength out of you so quickly. And adding to that is the fact that my back couldn’t be in worse shape today. It’s been an ongoing problem and just this past Wednesday I layed in a procedure room (once again) with 2 men sticking needles into my spine. No, not accupunture. The real stuff. Being in the hospital and realizing that one wrong move can end your life is a scary thought. I teared up. Pretty badly. Not only because it was scary to think that there were a lot of things in this life I wasn’t done with yet, but because if something had happened to me…anything…the doctor wouldn’t be able to just walk into the waiting room to tell someone. He would have had to pick up the phone. And THAT thought will make you feel the most alone you have ever felt.

The truth is we do all of this alone. Yeah, we may find that person that will stand by us while we go through this life but in the end we do still end up doing these things alone. Finding that person to stick around through all of it is not easy. I find myself on the giving end too often – at least a lot more than the receiving end. I was recently defined as a “nice distraction” from someone’s life. Not recognized as being in their life, but an outside distraction. A positive one in this case, but still, not a "real part" of their life. Again, another area where you find yourself wanting to be redefined. Like I said in the beginning…the subject is coming up a lot.

New Findings in a Wall

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts…We have a 2-parter this evening. I have literally about 15 other things that HAVE to get done tonight but I need to get this all out before I lose my thoughts on all of it.

Part 1. I spent the Tuesday evening with a friend of mine and for the first time, they opened up to me in a way they hadn’t before. Not in a “bare your soul” type of way, but our conversation was a little deeper. A little more telling. A little more truthful of ourselves. There was more substance in our time last night than any other time I have spent with this person. We will call my friend Phil, for the purpose of this discussion. The reason all of this is on my mind, and has been all day, is because I think I may have said/done something that may have cut off this newly discovered emotional depth that I found myself having with Phil. Let me preface this by say, I could be reading into everything. I have that tendency and I wouldn't but it past me on this one.

Backtracking a little, over the last week, Phil has been different with me. It’s been wonderful as I started to watch him open up a little more with each time I spent with him. And last night it became apparent that there was this person inside, with so much depth, substance, and heart, that I honestly have known was there, but just hadn’t seen in full form yet. I knew this level was there and maybe that is why I have stuck around like I have. I wanted to get here. I wanted to experience this person. Phil smiled differently last night. I made a comment/compliment to them and the smile they gave in return was the warmest most genuine smile I have seen. Our conversation was on a higher level of emotional intelligence that I have shared with Phil before, and aside from his text messages earlier on in the evening, I found Phil listening in a way to me that I don't think he has before.

And now, back to my original point, I am so afraid I may have closed that level off. I made a comment in relation to not getting emotionally involved. And I said this comment in my own protection, knowing myself and knowing how I am. I said it because months ago, Phil specifically told me….grrrr….how do I say this? Phil told me not to get emotionally involved on a certain level. I am literally terrified that they took that as ME not wanting to be that vulnerable, rather than the fact that I was reacting to previous discussions. This man is amazing. I mean truly amazing. Listening to stories of past relationships and what they want in someone else and wants for himself makes me realize even more how fantastic they are. And I would never…NEVER do or say anything to them that would discredit anything they had shared or do anything that would feel like a blow to the ego. I guess I just hope that no matter what, this person didn't think it was because I wouldn't want that emotional involvement. I said it because I wasn't asked not to before and have never been told any different.

Phil and I have lived a very parallel life. And I use the word parallel specifically for him. And it’s not in terms of career, or general interests although there is some crossover. It’s more in life experience, feelings about certain subjects, reactions to people, our values, and things that make our hearts beat a little stronger. Things that have a lot more substance than a day-to day-life. He wants excitement and adventure. Nothing structured. Nothing stable. He says his father seems to have an opinion on that. Hopefully he will see one day that there is a balance between those first two for something long term in life. And that sometime you have to look under the surface to see that things like life experiences are there - they just may not seem as exciting on the outside because they have been dealt with differently on the inside. (I have sighed too much writing this entry).

I started this entry out as a 2-parter, but I am going to leave it with Phil. My other thoughts on things tonight aren’t worthy of sharing this space with him. I laugh because he thinks he wants something in life that doesn’t have the structure and consistency of his mother. But put Phil in a room with an air vent that doesn’t lie parallel to the wall, and watch this man squirm.

Following up...again...and again...

I am feeling like I keep having to remind myself to breathe at the moment. It’s way too early and I have been awake way too long. And it’s at that point where there is no reason to try and attempt to go back to sleep as it will just make the 7am alarm that much worse.

Breathe….

I am feeling a little like I am drowning at the moment. And in what, I am not sure. I am just coming out of a great weekend with one of my closest friends from back in St. Louis. Maybe the fact that having someone around that really knows me and not feeling like I have to filter anything has made me feel the depth (or non-depth) of my existence in San Diego at the moment. I haven’t caught up with myself here yet. Not that I don’t know myself because I actually feel like I know “me” better than I have in years. I don’t question that anymore. The outside view of my definition hasn’t happened here yet and people need that.

Accountability was brought up to me tonight from a friend of mine who decided to end a relationship sometime between me seeing them at the gym at 6pm and 11pm when I heard from them. They wanted to know if accountability was so much to ask for in a relationship? The hardest thing about accountability is that you can control it from anyone else. Granted, you can’t control anything anyone does, but you can’t change how people follow-up or follow through on their own life’s or actions. You can only focus on yours. I had a big discussion about that this weekend as I find myself frustrated from the lack of follow-up with numerous people in my life. From doctors, to friends, to potential employers… David knows how I respond to things. I am pretty close to immediate if I can be. If not, 24 hours and it is done. If it can’t be done in 24 hours, you’ll have a reason why and a follow-up date in which I will follow up. Most people don’t work this way. I know a few…but very few. The non-followthroughers make my laundry list of “to-do’s” even that much longer. Tasks change from “Call so-n-so” to “Follow up with so-n-so”. I can’t cross these things off without participation. It’s different than accountability, but rests along the same lines.

I’m still breathing which is good. 71 minutes until that alarm will sound and I get to start following-up on everything again.

Double DD

You can begin by stopping with the "Double D" jokes. I officially declared February 25, 2009 “Difficult Day”. I am just now catching up from the aftermath of it. Having both your computer and your Blackberry crash on the same day doesn’t help your day. One of them seems to be working fine now (we will see though when I actually try and post this blog) and the other is still fighting with me. Thank goodness for friends that take you out for wine on “Difficult Day”. And screw that same friend that let’s you stay out with them until 4am. It makes February 26 start out as a different type of “difficult day”. And to think they put up with me again tonight. It goes back to my philosophy on "if you can put up with my moments of pure insanity, your a keeper". We will be keeping him.

In all seriousness though, things are just nuts! Aside from the technology problems, eye surgery is looking like it is going to be in my near future which sounds like no fun at all. I completed trip #3 to the eye doctor in one week today. The work situation is looking good…I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with the pages and pages and pages of information that I have to fill out for a background check for my potential new (part time) gig. And it kind of scares me that I was able to find the citation number of a ticket I got in 2005. I may be pushing on the lines of being a little TOO organized when it comes to paperwork.

I am “doubling” my DDs to stand for another new aspect of my life. Julie is “Done Dating”. I am going to chalk it up to just not having a clue about what to do with men in my own life and accept the fact that I may just never get it. The insane part of it is that I am fantastic at relationship counseling – I do it for a job, I have friends calling for my advice all the time…and the majority of the time I get a call back saying that I was right! I made a joke the other day about how I can be a Marriage and Family Therapist without having a relationship of my own and it comes down to the old joke of “Those Who Can’t Do…Teach!”. Sigh. Someone is eventually going to have to explain to me how I can come out of a date thinking it went really well and then have zero follow up for a next date. I just saw the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I highly recommend it for anyone who has ever attempted to date. There are days I feel like I should have been cast as the main character in that movie. Every single one of my male friends tell me the same thing…hell…my female friends do too…if he really wants to see you again he is either going make the 2nd date at the end of the first OR you will hear from him the next day. So someone PLEASE explain to me WHY I find the need to attempt the follow up myself after those opportunities have passed??? Not only do I fail at my follow-up, I fall flat on my face…and bang my head a few times. Sigh. I am done dating. I am going to go teach others how to be successful in their relationships instead.

Difficult Dates. Day Done. Or something like that.

Plastic? Or....Plastic?

See? I have some days where I need to write more than once and some weeks that go by without a peep from me! I just left the biggest joke of a scene that I think I have seen since I have been in San Diego. Let me preface this by saying that I am not against plastic surgery. I think some people can really enhance the way they look by it and if that is what they need to make them feel better than I say go for it. People need different things for themselves and that is fine. I do think however if you are going to go that route, you need to draw the line somewhere. And when you begin to look like Joan Rivers (or a man who used to be a woman) it is time to stop.

I went to a bar this evening with a couple of people based on recommendations from others that I loosely know. What we walked into was a sea of 40 and 50-something women who had so much plastic in their body that I honestly felt sorry for them. And the men that were there literally looked like they were looking into a zoo cage. The majority of them, if they were not dancing with one of these women (in a way that is maybe only appropriate when you are 21), were standing around the perimeter of the bar looking like penguins puffing up their chests trying to show who was the stronger mate. It was a very sad scene.

I think there are two things that make me the saddest when seeing something like this. The self-esteem of these women is so low. And I am not talking about a woman who has had a boob job or her eyes lasered. I am talking about women who literally look like they used to be a man and are trying to look like a woman. What has gotten them to this point where they feel like this is what they need to do to look “beautiful”? And where in society are we teaching this? Is it coming from the supermodels? Is it coming from the increase of all of the anti-aging products? And who ever said that growing old made you less beautiful anyway?

The other thing, I think bothers me the most. I work out at a gym where a large amount of women have had plastic surgery and work out daily to keep a very thin figure. Many of these women also have young children, and I listen to some of these young girls talking with one another in the locker room. I have heard them criticize each other on their bodies. I have heard them talk about what they ate at school and how they can't understand how Bobby could like Suzy because she wears a size 4, which is fat. I am not over exaggerating. I wonder where these girls get this from and then I see their mothers. This leaves no question in my mind. Is this the same place/same way their mothers developed their self-esteem problems?

I don’t even know how to finish this thought process so I will just leave it here. Don’t ever let me get any closer to plastic than a new American Express and being asked in the checkout line, “paper or plastic”?

Paper Please.

Cranberry Juice Spills

It’s been a while. I seem to go through phases with this blog thing… There are times where I could do 5 entries in one day or couldn’t care less for a month if I say anything. I guess what had me thinking this time is that I told a story to a woman that I am getting ready to do some volunteer work with and afterwards I realized it was a funny situation. Maybe not funny, but it made her laugh and gave her a reality check for the moment.

I was in Trader Joe’s the other day and as I was standing by the refrigerated section, one of the workers walked by and managed to spill an entire bottle of cranberry juice down my leg and into my shoe. And I mean an ENTIRE bottle. We are talking about a full gallon. It of course startled me at first and the worker immediately was apologetic and ran to get me some paper towels. He apologized over and over (and over and over) as I kept saying, “It’s ok…these things happen”. I think about 4 or 5 other workers got involved to make sure that I was ok and to get the spill cleaned up. I got myself cleaned up as best I could and continued my shopping. As a side note, I do not recommend shopping with a wet shoe and sock. It’s not the most fun feeling in the world. A few minutes passed and one of the workers who had helped me quite a bit approached me and said, “I just wanted to thank you for being so cool about the spill”. I said again, “No problem, these things happen” and mumbled something about if he heard the stories I hear, he would be cool about it too...which gets me to my point.

I hear some of the worst things in the world that happen to people when I am at work. Stories that you can’t even make up. When dealing with domestic violence and sexual assault, you don’t have people calling to tell you fun, happy stories. You hear stories of violence, sadness, pain, suffering, and if you are lucky, sometimes hope. Over the last 9 months, my perspective has changed. When I get a bottle of cranberry juice poured on me I think to myself, “If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, my life is awesome”.

I welcome cranberry juice spills. Please let cranberry juice be my biggest concern today.

A Softer, Sadder Feeling

My pillowcase feels extra soft tonight. I am wondering why that is. Is it because of the detergent I washed it with? Because of the other things I washed with it? Or do I just need it to feel soft tonight, so it does?

I am heading to North Carolina on Saturday. My mom went out there about a week ago to stay with my grandparents for a month. My grandfather needed to have surgery because of a hernia that he got from helping my grandmother who had a stroke a while back. While my mom has been there the last week, my grandmother had another small stroke, and is now back in a nursing home. Then 2 days ago, as my grandfather is recovering from surgery (decently well I might add) he had a stroke. I call them Nany and Pop. And they are two of the best people I have ever known. They have made me love more, care more, be more aware of myself and how I am treated by others, and how I treat other people. They have made me a better person. I am so grateful for all of that. I hope I can be that for someone someday. I am sad.

I am glad my pillowcase feels so soft tonight. I need it.

Do good...Every single day

This blog was actually started a few days ago…On MLK day to be exact. But over the last few days I have felt completely drained for a few reasons, so couldn’t get my head back into the mode I was in when I first started writing it. I was so fired up and excited when I started it. Actually started by taking notes on my Blackberry at the gym so I didn’t forget all of my thoughts.

This year was the first year I really FELT what “Martin Luther King Day” was all about. And obviously not because I know what it feels like to be black and be discriminated against, but I think it was more because of some of the work I do now. I was watching Oprah and if you know me, you know I raved about this episode. On the show, people kept talking about the change they have seen in life…Going from having to sit on the back of the bus to being elected to the Presidency. In a video that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher made, one of the black celebrities (for the life of me I can’t remember who it was) said “I pledge to consider myself an American. Not an African American.” That quote alone said exactly what progress has been made. It takes away a label. It takes away a dividing factor between one American of one color and an American of another. If you haven’t seen the video, I HIGHLY recommend it you view it here.

In regards to MLK day touching me in relation to the work that I do, many of those same types of discriminatory behavior existed/do exists for women. I am lucky to have not experienced them myself – or at least know that I have experienced them… But I think about many of the women that I talk to at work and they are still being objectified. Thinking about that on a global scale is scary. There is a reason so many people want to come to America. We are far from perfect, but even in this horrible economic time, the U.S. definitely has more opportunity and freedom that any other place you could live.

I have been looking recently into volunteer projects – specifically in Cambodia and Vietnam, working with organizations to reduce the human trafficking problem that exists in these countries (and all over the world). The woman that are in these circles have no rights, no choices, and are given no respect as a human being. I spoke with a woman a couple of months ago who had come to the U.S. from Vietnam and when we got off the phone she was crying… Now this is NOT the way my conversations are supposed to go… My clients tend to be crying at the beginning of the conversation and by the end, they feel better. This woman started crying though and thanked me. She said I was the first person in years that had spoken to her like she was a human being. I think if that had been my situation I would have cried too.

I felt proud on January 19th. I was proud to be a woman. I was proud to do the work that I do. I was proud that other Americans seem to be so inspired by our new President. I hope that feeling that so many people seem to have at the moment about giving back to their community doesn’t go away. It’s a frame of mind. It’s something you constantly have in your heart to do. If it’s something that you just decide to do a couple of days out of the year…well, that only does so much.

An excellent quote along those lines was brought up on that Oprah episode.

“We are what we repeatedly do.” – Aristotle

Chocolate Frosted Christmas Lights

Just last night I was driving home and laughing to myself about how many houses still had their Christmas lights on. Everywhere else I have ever lived, once January 1st is here, the lights come down. Not in San Diego! I wondered how long this was going to last until I was driving home from work tonight and noticed that there were a lot of dark houses. I didn’t see one house with holiday lights on. Obviously in San Diego, January 9th is the date. I must admit, I loved the extra week and a half of glittery paths lighting my way home.

2009 has been good to me so far. I have been catching myself smiling a lot and feeling very content. Nothing much has changed except maybe that I have found a few new interests that have consumed my mind (and have kept me up way too late many night). Over the holidays I worked a lot at the hotline and really felt like I did some good. Favorite client of 2009 (so far) has to be the one who when we were hanging up said, “Julie….Thank you! You have no idea how helpful you have been. Tell your boss that…that…that you deserve a cake!” That one made us both laugh. Maybe I will have to treat myself to a little chocolate frosting soon.