My role is done

I trust people. I trust them until they give me a reason not to. And even once they given a reason not to, I admit, there have been times I have trusted them again.

I think maybe I give too much. Maybe to the point where I have become transparent. In the sauna today I was talking with the girl who does wardrobes up in LA. She said, “You give a lot others”. She doesn’t know me at all. I do give a lot to others. If you don’t get much in return can that run out?

My heart hardened today. I felt that someone I cared about was not who they appeared to be and it made me feel cold towards them. Then I was worried about them. Really worried about them. And softened again. Then you find out truths and you just feel sad. I want to take things back. Things I have said to them. Things I have done for them. I want to take them all back. My biggest problem with when I give anything to someone is I am naive to when I am being used. And I don't recognize it until it becomes painfully obvious. And I do mean painfully.

It's not overwhelmed I feel. It's that feeling that you get when you know the time, energy, passion, compassion, care, and thought that you have put into something has done nothing. It's not recognized. It's not appreciated. It just doesn’t matter.

I need to be watered. I need a huge CPR breath. A breath that will fill me up again. I need an IV. I need something back…from something. And I know I need to find that myself.

I'll give myself another 24 hours. Then I'll be back to my happy me. Promise.