Diamonds and Stars from Heaven

I had such a magical moment this morning driving to work.  I have mentioned before that I wear my grandmother’s wedding ring every day and this morning as I pulled up to a stoplight the 5 small diamonds caught the sunlight coming in my car window.  The combination of the light and diamonds created what looked like stars on the roof of my car. 

I designed a card about a year ago with the following quote:  “Perhaps they are not the stars but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pour through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy”.  I looked at those tiny little stars in my car, created by my grandmother’s wedding ring and tears formed in my eyes.  I miss her so much, but honestly, I am not really sad.  I know that sounds strange, but I have no doubt that she is in Heaven and is completely happy.  She was such a huge part of my life and filled my heart with so much love that I don’t know if I could ever feel “empty” when I think about her.  She has made that impossible.  You can’t explain a love like that.  I hope that I am able to make someone feel that full of love one day.

Los Angeles is a difficult city.  I am happy here, and I mean really happy.  I have a job I adore and have started to make some great friends.  It amazes me though how…I want to use the word close-minded, but maybe that is not the right word… Let me rephrase… It makes me sad that it appears many people here in LA have a type of perfection that they are searching for, and if someone doesn’t fit that exactly, they won’t give them a chance.  People say it’s not what they want, but their actions are different.

Who knows.  Maybe I am off base here.  Maybe I have some major blind spots that I cannot see in my personality that really pushes people away.  I know in the past I have been intense with relationships too soon and I know now, that was because I was missing something inside of me.  It frustrates me now though, that when I have myself completely figured out inside, I am living in this sea of “LA beauty” that doesn’t really fit into my world. 

I am not a size 2.  I don’t wear lipstick every day.  I have real 36-Cs that probably aren’t completely symmetrical.  Heels hurt my feet so I don’t wear them on every first date.  I don’t have the perfect posture.  And I don’t spend an hour on my hair in the morning.   Unfortunately it seems like there isn’t really anyone here that can get past those things.  They can’t see what is on the inside and I cannot make them see that in 60 minutes of coffee without sounding like a complete crazy woman. 

All I can hope for is that those tiny little stars on the roof of my car will continue to follow me around and sprinkle little bits of Heaven down to this city.   Maybe, just maybe, Nany will sprinkle one of those pieces a little harder and it will hit someone over the head to give me a second look.  Maybe she needs to hit me over the head so I can see what I am doing wrong.  Whatever it is, I hope hits someone because this part is not fun.  

I Love You, Half-Eaten Chocolates

I am a huge fan of Valentine’s Day.  As someone who is single, and will not be receiving chocolates or roses or even a Valentine, many would think I would want to boycott this day.  That is not the case here. 

I think what I like most about this day is that it gives me a warm feeling inside.  It makes me want to hug people, tell them I love them, and show an appreciation of having them in my life.  You don’t have to be “in love” but I think if you know what that feeling and emotion is, you can’t help but be a little sentimental. 

What makes me smile the most is the silly little things that you would never want on any other day from someone.  Just tonight, I had to make a run by the grocery store and I passed a stuff animal that was this adorable fat bee, with a big smile holding a heart that says “Bee Mine”.  You can’t get much cheesier than that and I swear I almost bought it for myself. 

The other thing I love about this day, that cracks me up every time, is seeing a heart shaped box of chocolates, where just about every single piece has been bitten into, with the other half left behind.  The boxes are always full of surprises and we never end up liking half of what is in them.  But for some reason, anytime I see a half eaten chocolate, I have to smile.  I think I may need to stop by and pick up my own box to take a few bites out of this year. 

Love is a fantastic feeling and it is something that everyone needs.  It is proven!  Everyone needs love.  Of course I wish I had a sweetheart of my own this year, but since I don’t, I will spend my day making sure that all the people that I do love are aware of it.  Yes, I should do it every day, and honestly I think I am pretty good at making sure the people in my life know how important they are to me, but Valentine’s Day is just another good excuse to remind them.  

Poor Baby

The greatest love story I have ever heard is the one of Jack and Jenny Weeks.  They were best friends from the 4th grade and were married 65 years.  I may be off a year or two, but that doesn’t matter.  Jack and Jenny are better known to me as Nany and Pop.  When Nany passed away last year, I didn’t think Pop was going to make it through the heartache.  The man completely surprised me though.  He did really well and I think it was because the woman he loved more than anything in this world was no longer suffering.   No matter what ever happens in this world, Nany and Pop are permanently in my heart. 

Pop is not doing so well at the moment and it is breaking my heart tonight.  He is a huge part of my life and I still have a hard time dealing with Nany being gone.  Honestly, some days it doesn’t even really feel like Nany is gone.  She still feels so close to me.  I wear her wedding ring every single day because I love that it is a symbol of a love that was so grand.

I am not sure if I ever shared this before, but there is a card that I keep on my dresser at home with a picture of a dog on it.  Nany sent it to me when I was living in San Francisco.  I think I was sick or something.  She wrote in it that the dog was there to watch over me and give me a “poor baby” any time I needed one.  “Poor baby” was her line.  Anytime I was sad, sick, lonely…whatever… all I had to do was call her and she would make it better by saying “poor baby”.  It always worked too. 

Pop caught on as well and emailed me some “poor baby coupons”.  Yes, he actually learned how to send emails after the age of 80.  Nany loved sending cards.  Pop loves sending emails.  It didn’t matter how my “poor baby” got to me, they were always there to provide them. 

Pop is getting a “poor baby” from me tonight.   It makes me smile saying that, because I know how silly and trivial that sounds to others.  For this family though, it’s just another way of saying, “I love you”. 

Warm and Fuzzy (by yourself)

I promise this up front: This entry is not going to have direction or purpose.

I have faith that life works out the way it is supposed to.  About one night a month I need a pep talk.  Tonight is that night.  I am in the middle of one as I write via text from San Francisco.  I usually get something silly from this friend which always helps, and not because I want something silly, but because if I needed something deeper, I know I could get it from this friend.  I think just knowing that exists if needed is enough to tide me over. 

Valentine’s Day is this weekend.  I love Valentine’s Day.  Even when I am single there is something fantastic about the concept of a day that celebrates giddiness, love, affection and cut out paper hearts.  I guess maybe just knowing the possibility of love could be around every corner of each new day makes us hopeless (hopeful) romantics a little warm and fuzzy inside. 

When you are an MFT student, people tend to assume you analyze everything about them.  For those out there that are not MFT students, I can promise you, that is not the case.  I do think though that combining that course of study with working in an environment that I work in scares a lot of people away.  People assume everything, or maybe I should say, assume very specific things.  Things aren’t always what they seem.  Wanting to make a change in the world, even if it is only for a few hundred people, should not be interpreted as a negative thing.  That sounds like a ridiculous statement.  Unfortunately, it’s not because there are people that do think that way. 

Looking back, this entry does have direction and purpose.  It all actually ties together.  Faith, pep talks, Valentine’s Day, feeling misrepresented by your career choices…it all ties in.  Feeling “warm and fuzzy” by yourself only feels so “warm and fuzzy” especially in LA.

Like I said, these nights are few and far between.  I shared this night tonight.  

My Next Move in Sorry

I really needed to write tonight, but what I needed to write was too personal for my blog.  I keep a journal for nights like these.  I poured about a page and a half into it and had to quit mostly because my right hand really does feel like it is going to fall off.  I got a lot out and onto paper, but there is still so much that is in my head and for some reason I feel like non-descriptive typing is going to help. 

The thing I think I like the most about my private journal is that I can look back and read what was going on in my head during my last entry.  I have entries that make me cry, entries that literally make me laugh, entries that I shake my head about and entries that I smile about because I realize I have come full circle from whatever I was thinking at the time. 

Tonight I am finding myself wanting to apologize to a few people because I am able to see more clearly things that I was doing at the time that probably weren’t the right things to be doing.  Ok, let me rephrase that… I acted in ways I shouldn’t have acted.  (In no way should the word “probably” be in there).  And no, there was nothing illegal or immoral or whatever else you are thinking… I just was acting ridiculous.  I have acted in ways that are not the way I would ever want someone to see me, much less see myself.  I acted off of some thought in my head that didn’t make any sense and for some reason made sense at the time. 

It’s difficult to go back and say I am sorry to some of these people though.  Some of them I have burned bridges with and I don’t think they are bridges that you can just mend by saying something like, “Oh I am sorry – I was just thinking crazy stuff at that time in my life”.  If they knew who I was now, maybe they would be ok with what I wanted to say, but these people didn’t know me well enough to be able to get past whatever happened.  On the flip side, there are a few people that have stepped right back into my life after the “I’m Sorry” phone call and I thank God for them every single day. 

I am going to have to think on this one.  I am not sure if the “sorry’s” I want to say are for my own benefit or if they would really do any good.  I am a believer that saying you are sorry will never be a bad thing, but I just don’t want to do it for the wrong reason.  I don’t want to do it just so I will feel better about it.  It’s like what they say (whomever “they” are) about when someone cheats, they shouldn’t tell the significant other if all it would be doing is getting the guilt off of themselves.  They should be doing it to help the situation (and no, this is not about cheating so stop thinking that way).  I just want to do the right thing.  That’s all any of us should do – the right thing.  

Love at First Sight

You know, I think that most of the TV shows that MTV produces are pretty lame.  And the fact that I just used the word lame is pretty MTV-ish.  But with that being said, I have just finished watching my second episode of “The Buried Life” and I actually think it is pretty decent.  To be honest, I am kind of surprised it took this long for someone to come up with the concept of the show.  Or maybe it is just that it took this long for others to think it was a decent idea.  If you haven’t seen it, it is worth half an hour of your life. 

A few of the guys in the show remind me of some people I went to college with.  Thinking about these people make me contemplate what it is that makes people on the East Coast and the West Coast so different.  Don’t get me wrong…there are great people here and great people there… And of course there are crappy people on both coasts as well.  I have met many people in Los Angeles that think the people here don’t have the same kindness about them as the people in other parts of the country.  I am not sure what I think about that.  I have met some people here with hearts bigger than I can imagine someone having.  Then again, I have met some very “cold” people as well.   I am not convinced it is an East-West thing. 

My mother actually made a point the other day that really got me thinking.  She mentioned that the worst thing about people trying to date these days is that people don’t take the time to get to know others at all before they write them off.  She is right.  People say that they don’t believe in love at first site, but there are countless people that pass on a second date after spending an hour of fantastic conversation with someone else, just because they don’t look exactly the way they want them to.  I have done it.  I have had people do it to me.  It sucks because we pass on people that could end up being great.  It was easier when we were younger and you met people at school and had to take the time to get to know them.  The people I have cared about the most in my life are not people I would have given a second glance in a crowded room.  But to this day, they are still some of the most attractive people I have ever met because I really know them.  That kind of attractiveness doesn’t go away overnight.  In fact, that type of attraction tends to grow. 

It’s actually kind of funny – when I think about it, I have found it harder to get to know people then further West I move.   North Carolina is a piece of cake.  Midwest was easy too, although I think my industry had a lot to do with that.  Maybe it is an East-West thing.  Who knows.  I just know I don’t want to make any judgments at a first glance and I most definitely do not believe in love at first sight.  

Babies and Brides

There seems to be a lot of weddings and babies happening recently.  With the tool of Facebook, it is so easy to keep up with other people and see what is happening in their lives, even if they are thousands of miles away. 

This year, two of my closest friends are having huge life events.  My best friend is getting married.  I am so thrilled that I get to be her maid of honor and think, almost daily, about any little things I can do that would make the day even more special for her.  I am so thrilled for her.  She deserves to have an amazing man in her life and although I have never met her fiancé, she is as happy as I have ever seen her and I that is all that counts. 

Another girlfriend is pregnant with her 2^nd child and I am so excited to soon be an “Aunt” to who a little girl who will most undoubtedly be absolutely beautiful and brilliant.  Again, another woman who deserves the world.  I just finished wrapping up her gift, which is more for Emma’s mom than it is for Emma. 

Add the other 50+ “friends” of mine that are doing the “baby thing” right now (and luckily most of them have already done the “marriage thing”) and there are a lot of new happy families being created. 

Babies and weddings are just fantastic.  I love watching people I love have wonderful things happen in their lives.  I hope to experience both of those things myself one day.   If not, at least I can say I was an aunt and a maid of honor for two of the most fantastic women I know.