Smash Therapy

I am watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.  People make fun of this stuff but this stuff is real.  People feel pain.  They use substances to hide their pain.  They use people to hide their pain.  I get it.  I see it every day I go to the shelter. 

I am past the point where I want to “save” someone.  A few years ago, I probably wanted to do that.  I can’t do that anymore even though I probably try to every time I see someone that needs help.  At 32, I keep thinking I am going to stumble across someone who is healthy, happy, and ready to give themselves to someone else.  My dates prove otherwise. 

This show really promotes what they call “expressive therapy”.  Basically, imagine being able to take out all of your rage on a car or an art board.  You can throw thing, beat things, smash things, etc.  It’s like Sally’s Smash Shack in San Diego. I am not sure I believe in this type of therapy. 

People beat the crap out of cars, TVs, whatever they can get their hands on.  I don’t believe in it, because it is being destructive against something else.  It is taking out your anger on something else physically.  I work every day to help protect people that need to get away from that.  Then I see what it is like, when someone can take out those emotions in a very controlled environment.  There is something that can heal people when they let their physical anger out on a controlled object and have it contained in that situation.  I get it.  I understand it.  Then again, I feel like there are other options. 

Obviously I am a little conflicted.  What can be good in some situations can be bad in others.  I guess what it comes down to is that everyone needs to be able to let his or her emotions out somehow.  In no way, shape or form should anyone be allowed to take those emotions out physically on someone else.  But doesn’t physical exercise serve kind of the same purpose?  I have taken kick boxing classes, and trust me, after a long day, it feels good to get in there and punch the hell out of something. 

I had dinner this evening with a person that I absolutely love – someone I have known basically for as long as I can remember.  They are a good person.   I like having these types of people in my life.  I need more of them.  If you find one, tell them to call me.  I am taking applications.  They make me not need this type of smash therapy.  

Glitter Glue and Staples

To share some of my sunshine today, one of my kids at the shelter made me a “book”.  I asked the kids to make up some “thank you” art books for some of the supporters of our organization and this evening when I was getting ready to leave, I stopped by the kitchen to see what they had created. 

To backtrack a little on my story, a few days ago one of my 5 year olds was playing in my office and right in the middle of my conversation with her mom, she looked up at me and said, “your office has the best toys”.  I’ll admit it.  I felt proud of my office toys.  

This evening, when I walked in to see how the art projects were going, the same 5 year old said, “Look!  This is for you! I made it for you,”.  She handed me what appeared to be about 5 pieces of construction paper, folded in half to make a book.  I looked at the front of her creation and there was a huge red heart with the writing “to play with you” written across it.  She had then written her and her sister’s name next to it.  I went to open the book and found that…well…it was a little difficult to open with glitter glue and staples fastening the entire book shut.  I smiled and thanked her profusely as it may have been the best book I have ever been given.  There is nothing better than the smile on a child’s face when they know you are proud of them. 

I liked today.  It was a tough one, that is for sure, but I liked it.  I found out once again how small this world is and I wonder why it really seems to be showing me that fact in LA.  I found out that a friend of mine might have a great chance of getting an incredible, which thrills me to pieces, because she deserves to be in a job that makes her happy.  I found out that people do usually burn their own bridges if you let things run their course, as true colors do come out.  I learned that the next few weeks are going to be some tough ones, but they don’t seem so bad when you are happy with what you are doing in life and love the people that you surround yourself with.  I think the best thing I learned today though, and I can promise you this - glitter glue and staples make the best short stories you will ever read.  

Worth Every Penny

I am so excited.  Tomorrow I am traveling to Colorado to spend the (long) weekend with one of my best friends David.  As I was telling him today, I am proud of this trip.  That sounds strange, but if you know me well, you know how I budget, spend wisely, don’t use credit cards the way they are meant to be used, and am deathly afraid of debt. 

When David asked me to come out to see him, I hesitated for a second when I looked at the plane ticket prices, but then said to myself, “this is the best way you could possibly spend this money”.  Going to Colorado to spend the weekend with David is what life is about!  I don’t need to spend that money on anything more important then being able to spend real quality time with someone that I love and honestly, I hate the fact that I haven’t done it more in the past.  David is priceless and I need to remember that when it comes to him and the other people in my life that I care about so much. 

I have had friends that have invited me to all different places and have asked me to do some amazing things.  Unfortunately I have passed on some of those things that I think would have been life long memories. 

I guess the important thing is to take those opportunities to do the things you want to do…and take those opportunities now.   As a friend just reminded me, you never know when the things you have could be gone, and I know it is so cliché, but it is so very true too.  There are still so many things I want to do, things I want to share with other people.  Denver here I come…it will be worth every single penny.  And I promise to start spending more of those pennies when it comes to things like this!

What Comes To Mind

I want to go to Thailand and explore the religious culture and the seaside life.

I prayed tonight for those two little girls who walked to the cab with me, both holding my left hand, one in front of the other, the 3 yr old in front grasping my thumb and the two year old behind her, grasping my pinky…they came in with no trust of anyone except their mother.  They left with smiles on their faces and trusting that love exists in this world.  They also now know what their nose, mouth, eyes, ears, head and knee is in English.  And they know they are very ticklish on their knees.

I am looking forward to spending 3 whole days with one of the men that I love most in this world next weekend.  David is and always be one of my very, very bestest friends.  He defines true friendship. 

I miss random conversations with two women from San Francisco – one, a vegan with an amazing talent behind the camera, two, a burlesque dancer who would braid my hair into pigtails before I left work for the ride home across the Bay Bridge with the top down.  I always got whistled at with those braids.  I found that odd. 

I feel disgusted by the narcissistic and dishonest personality of someone I know, who is completely oblivious of their state.  That makes sense, considering they are completely narcissistic. 

I think that Chesley Handley is pretty hilarious although her humor some nights can be even a little too…errr…inappropriate even for me. 

I need to figure out how to get Lindsey a brownie wedding cake.  I wish that bakery would return some pricing to me.  I found a good one and I think it will work.  Lindsey should have exactly what she wants.  She deserves it more than anyone I know. 

The card that Nany sent me a few years ago when I was sick is staring at me right now.  The dog on the front of it was named Toby on the day that Nany went to Heaven.  She said he was there to watch over me.  Now she is watching over me.  I miss talking to her.  She defines Love.  I wear her wedding ring every single day.  She was married for something like 65 years.  I wish I had asked her more about her grand love affair with my grandfather.  They ARE love. 

It is interesting when you can tell that someone is feeling awkward and wants to discontinue a conversation because they are feeling that way.  

I can’t believe Lisa moved to Sydney.  I am so happy that she did because it is going to be an amazing adventure for her and Matt.  I never met Matt and wish I had.  I miss seeing her almost every day though. 

I kind of wish I had siblings.  When my parents die, my family is gone. 

I feel bad that I missed seeing a movie with a girlfriend tonight.  I hope she will reschedule with me.  Maybe I can get her to come over and watch 500 Days of Summer with me.  I think she would like it. 

I have to do some really random things tomorrow like fill out a grant form for Pepperdine and send a card to an ex-uncle in law.  I really need to start studying for next week’s quiz too.

These are the things I am thinking at 4:38am.

"Alone" in 2010

New Years Eve 2009 is most definitely one I will not forget.  It was a day that in no way turned out the way I would have planned it, but in no means would I have changed it. 

When the clock struck midnight, I had just parked my car at my apartment and was walking to the elevator.  Fireworks sound much different from a subterranean parking garage.   I had spent the previous hour and a half on work and not by choice, but we do the things we need to do when they need to be done.  Especially the important things. 

I dropped my stuff in my apartment and walked back downstairs and out the back door where I took a seat by the pool.  For the next 10 minutes and watched the fireworks explode over the Pacific Ocean, alone.

I watched them alone, but I in no means was lonely. 

Earlier in the evening I enjoyed a fantastic dinner with a girlfriend and her husband.  I had expected to have a date with me, but I should have known better then to count on this date to follow through.  3 out of 5 dates, have been cancelled last minute for no other reason then “being tired”.    (Yes, I get it now). 

On the way to dinner, I pointed out that it was a full moon.  My friend’s husband began to explain that not only was it a full moon, but it was actually a real “once in a blue moon”.  The moon we were looking at was the 2nd full moon in one month.  This rare accordance (which coined the blue moon phrase) won’t happen again until 2028.  I couldn’t think of a better way to start a new year…a new decade. 

At dinner I excused myself for a moment and when I walked back to the table I noticed a dime on the floor.  I walked about 3 steps past it and stopped.   I am one of those people who always pick up pennies.  There are very few that I walk past.  With a smile on my face I turned around and picked up the dime and said silently in my head, as I do with each penny I pick up, “Find a penny, pick it up, all that day you’ll have good luck”.   I thought of the possibility that here I was, picking up the equivalent of 10 pennies on the night that people all over the world are celebrating 2010 and how maybe, with the combination of the blue moon, it would bring me luck for the next 10 years.  I am keeping that coin for a little while. 

After numerous topics throughout the night, on the drive home the conversation led to how it really is true that you have to be completely comfortable and successful in a relationship with yourself before you will be successful in one with another person.  You have to be in the place with yourself where you are alone, but not lonely. 

I was alone on New Years Eve when the clock struck midnight.  But the truth is, I really enjoyed sitting on the side of the pool watching the fireworks by myself.  I had a blue moon, a lucky dime, fireworks and a smile on my face as I started my 2010.  And there is NOTHING lonely about that.