14-hour Days Need Sweat & Meatloaf

A good friend called me tonight. He is stressed, confused and feeling lost. He started a new job a couple of weeks ago after quitting another new one he kept for a week. Deep down I think he is ready to throw in the towel on this one as well. He has lost confidence in his abilities and is getting extremely overwhelmed. Today he pulled a 14-hour day.

My friend spent the last 3 months or so, traveling all over the world, to places very different than this bubble of San Diego we live in. I do think part of his struggle right now has to due with the amount of time he has taken off and the fact that he has moved into a different role than he was in. He is also new to San Diego and probably a little outside of his comfort zone. Sound familiar?

I have the same fears. Just as he has lost confidence in his abilities, I question mine every day. I look at positions that a year ago I would have said, “I can do that job with both eyes closed and my hands tied around my back”. These positions intimidate me now. Time off takes away that confidence.

The other thing I am hearing from him is his lack of self-care through all of this. He hasn’t been to the gym in ages and is not eating at work because he is so busy. I tried to explain that his productivity would be so much better working 10 hour days with a lunch break (plus a few stretch ones) and a good sweat at the gym afterwards than working straight through 14 hours. I bet he could get done more in those 10 hours than he could in the 14 if he tried it that way. I have to remember that when I get into that stressed mode with work again. I tend to try and overachieve at work. I am competitive with my own self. I try too much too hard. I do this in my personal life too.

How do we learn to balance so our life doesn’t become all about our job? To build ourselves back up when we have lost confidence in our abilities? How do we know when we should just put everything down, and go sweat it all out at the gym followed by a meal only our grandmothers could cook? We can’t rely on someone else to take care of us. I guess that’s why we have the friends that can remind us that we need to.

Time for a New Watch

It’s interesting how your life can be completely fine, you meet someone new or get to know someone on a different level, and you don’t know how you got along without knowing them before. It’s like you can’t even remember that you were ok before. What is it that triggers inside of you that makes someone feel that way? It is some sort of familiarity that makes them feel connected with you? Is it that they have filled a hole or a gap inside of you that was needing some patching up?

I just finished watching “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and found the story line intriguing. So many people come out of one relationship and feel like they need all of this time to pass before they should get into another one - or that they should play the field for a while rather than exploring yet another relationship. I guess that works for some people. Not sure why it has to be that way, or if really it is more of an excuse that people give themselves and others for a variety of reasons. Then again maybe starting a new relationship really is all about timing. It can't be too close to a previous relationship, and obviously not when one is current. I am sure there is some time frame that needs to be dodged so that people aren’t in their "playing the field mode". Honestly, I think all of it is just an excuse. But if timing is all it is, maybe I need to be asking for a new watch for Christmas.

No Need to Know Why

I don’t really have anything brilliant to say this evening. Confused about things as usual. Wondering why people are the way they are as usual. I sat next to a person on Friday who not knowing anything about me was able to read that I ask “why” too much in my life. Their philosophy is that knowing “why” doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make a difference. It is the way it is. And most of the time, we don’t need to know why.

I have written this paragraph 4 times and keep scrapping it, so I think I just need to leave this where it is. Sometimes short and to the point is better.

I Want To Go Home

I am exhausted. I seriously feel like I need a vacation just as much as I ever have working my ass off in any job for 12 months straight. As of today I have been unemployed (full time) for 16 months and have applied to 256 jobs. Ok, I guess technically I did get one of them so 255, but it is still fill-in/part-time, so it only counts for so much. I am going on an interview next week for a job that the hiring range is $15.91 to $17.56 an hour. And I am seriously excited at the possibility of making $35,000 a year….in San Diego….California….where you can’t get a one bedroom apartment for less than $1,200 a month. And you don’t want to live in the $1,200 a month ones. $35,000 a year. I am speechless.

So that is work…the relationship field doesn’t get any better. I am trying to stay friends with an ex. It usually works. Works better when they aren’t the only person in San Diego that you have to hang out with. I’m on the really bad side of a relationship where you want to see someone and they really could care less if you hang out or not. And having that made clear every day doesn’t feel good. I have always thought of myself as having so much to offer someone else. I have always been very attentive, nurturing and affectionate in relationships. I have always been supportive of people I have dated. I feel like I need an outlet for these things – almost like they are overwhelming me. I am sure I have overwhelmed others with them too. I need new people in my life badly. It’s just a little more difficult to walk up to a girl in a bar and say, “Hey – want to be friends?”.

The gym is my best outlet at the moment. Sometimes it feels like my only outlet. I have met some nice people there, but no friendships that have gotten past the lounge chairs by the pool. The funny thing is, some of those people probably know me better right now than my best friends do. With the hours I have spent at the gym over the last 16 months, I should have a supermodel body. Not sure how I got passed by on those genes. Instead, I am losing my hair due to stress, breaking out on a daily basis due to stress, crying more than any human being should due to stress, and having that feeling like I JUST WANT TO GO HOME ALREADY. Problem is…I am home already.

Little Blue Bags

It’s amazing how something so small can change your perception and your feelings about someone. I know relationships are not everything that they are in movies or on the TV. They aren’t what we hear about as little girls with princes and white horses. Relationships aren’t perfect. People aren’t perfect.

But relationships aren’t about yelling either. They aren’t about throwing things and screaming at 2am. They aren’t about being afraid and watching of everything you say or changing yourself so that you keep the other person calm.

Drugs are deal breakers for me. I don’t want to be around them. I don’t want them in my life. I can’t try and love someone who uses them. I can’t because I want a healthy family one day and because I have seen first hand, with my birthmother, what drugs do to families. Mix drugs and domestic violence and the combo is a lot worse. I dodged that bullet once. Maybe I am again.

I know deep down inside that I cannot fix someone who does not see themselves as doing anything wrong. But it hurts to see someone you care about do things you think are hurting them. And for some reason, I am not one to be able to just let go of things and walk away. I care about people. I care about people even when they don’t care about me, or at least show it in a way that I don’t understand.

A little blue bag changed my perception of things. Something as simple as a little blue bag that I wasn’t even looking for, changed my life.

I Now Pronounce You... Illegal

So I am kind of pissed. And why this is hitting me so hard tonight, I don’t know. Part of it is probably because I heard someone today say that they were leaning on voting “yes” on Prop 8 last week, and it floored me. I would have never thought they would have thought this way, even for a second. I asked them how legalizing gay marriage would hurt them? I asked how not legalizing gay marriage would affect them? I needed SOME explanation on how in the world gay marriage has ANY affect on their rights, on their life, on them at all. And they couldn’t come up with one answer.

Seriously!!!! What is so wrong with this country that more than half of the State of California would want to tell two people who love each other that it doesn’t matter??? How would “Bob and Bill” getting married have anything to do with anyone else?

The way I see it, most of us are going to get divorced anyway. I am pretty sure it is over 50% of the population. And that is just your first divorce. So if there are two people who truly love each other, whether that is a woman and a man, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, how could I tell them not to spend their lives together? Hell, they are doing a lot better in the love department than I have done.

I think anyone who voted “yes” on Prop 8 should really do some serious thinking. Don’t throw the religion card at me. I am Christian and it is NOT my right as a Christian to judge anyone. If one of my gay friends gets to the gates of Heaven and finds out they are going to hell for being gay, I will let them take that argument up with God. I don’t see that happening though since what we know as Christians is that God loves all of us. So don’t try and use that excuse. I’m going to let God be the judge of that one. Not me.

This country has finally gotten to the point where we can elect a black President. And California, which is supposed to be one of the most forward thinking, liberal States, managed to give more rights to farm animals this election, but take rights away from human beings. I think THAT is a much bigger problem than gay marriage.

Congrats Obama

I am feeling the need to say something in regards to Election Day. It really feels amazing that we have gotten to the point in this country where someone OTHER than 2 white men are in the White House. I think that was the thing that I was so excited about with this election…that no matter who won, McCain or Obama, we would either have an African American or a woman in the White House. That really makes me feel good.

I admit it. I voted for John McCain. I respect the man. I think his background is incredible, and I think with the way this country is at the moment, especially internationally speaking, he would have been the best choice. But the other thing I have learned, and this probably comes from having family in the military, is that you should always respect your President. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything he or she says or does, but you need to respect them.

The one thing that makes me sad though is that when they called the election tonight, there were still hundreds if not thousands of people standing in line at the polls in California. I think that is wrong. I think it is wrong because no one should feel like their vote and voice wasn’t heard.

I honestly don’t think any Republican had a chance this election. Our country is in deep shit at the moment. Really, really deep shit. And with the war and the economy coming from a Republican President, I honestly don’t blame more than half of the country for voting the way they have today. Obama inspired Americans. And right now, Americans really need to be inspired and feel like we can believe in something. So…Congratulations President Barack Obama. You are walking into a scary situation and I wouldn’t want to be you. Please, please, please make this country proud.

Julie in Real Life

I watched a couple of movies with a friend of mine last night. If you haven’t seen “Dan in Real Life” or “The Music Within”, I highly recommend them both. The thing I love the most about “Dan in Real Life” is how at the very end they talk about the only thing you can expect in life is to be surprised. That’s the beauty of life.

So as I mentioned I watched these movies last night. We had planned to go out, but a leg injury kept me immobile. This friend of mine is such an interesting person. When we first started talking, I seriously thought to myself, I had met the male version of myself. That’s a scary thought even for me. Each time we hang out, I see that more and more. It’s a strange thing. He surprised me last night with something that he said though. It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. During the second movie, there is a spot that one of the characters says, “Don’t go. I am asking you not to”. I have always wanted to be in that relationship where if something was seriously important to me, and I said something like that, the person would listen. They would realize that if it was important enough for me to say that, then it is important enough to change their mind about something. My friend said to me later on “That is all I needed her to say to me…and I would have stayed” (or something like that). He was referring to his ex-wife. I didn’t realize he had been as hurt from that relationship as he had, and not even that, I just don’t think I have ever heard a man say something like that. It was that romantic passion that I think everyone is looking for. And he had it and let it go. Or maybe she did. Point being, they let each other go.

And that train of thought leads me to the fact that looking back at past relationships, there is not one person I have dated (and I have dated a lot) who has sought me out, realizing (or at least thinking) that they walked away from someone that they should have never let go. I think about this a lot and it makes me sad. There are relationships from my past that I think could have gone better and maybe led to something amazing, if I hadn’t screwed them up. There are people that I have sought out, but no one has ever done that with me. It makes me wonder if anyone has ever been in love with me. And the fact that I cannot answer that scares me. And it makes me terribly sad.

I am currently "trying" to screw up a potential relationship. Part of it is me being scared of being hurt. The one person I was truly in love with took me years to get over. It was horrible. I don’t want to feel that pain again and so I think maybe subconsciously I push people away until they don’t want to be with me because I am being too much for something so new. I screw up the part of the relationship that is supposed to be all fun. It keeps me safe. It keeps my heart safe. At least I think it does. The thing is, the even with all the pain I have felt from the past, it has been worth it, because I was able to feel incredible on the flip side of it. I am hoping that one day when I start down my screw up path that someone will say to me, “I am not going to let you fuck this up”.

So here I am being “Julie in Real Life” wanting things to work out. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. As “Dan” would say, “Plan to be surprised”. Please…surprise me.

Could I Be Any More Scattered Tonight?

Tonight I am wishing I could write my blog like a journal. I think that probably means I need to start journaling again. There are so many different things going on in my head – to the point were almost wish I was seeing a therapist just to clear it all out, or bounce all of it off on someone. It’s always interesting how there is that need for numerous people in your life and visa versa meaning people only need you for certain things but not everything. Part of me is feeling very needed for certain things in different people’s lives at the moment, and the farthest thing from what they need in other areas.

Right now I am feeling angry about things, confused about other things, excited about some, and hurt by a few things as well. I had dinner with a friend of mine tonight and we talked about how not being sure about things is sometimes the beauty of life. We are both getting ready to make decisions that we are not sure of. That gets me thinking back to a song…”Your choices are half chance. So are everyone else’s”. It makes me feel better to about that, but its still scary when it’s your own choices. There are days now that I don’t feel like I have a clue what I am doing. Not a clue. I have these split seconds where it looks like things are going perfectly my way and I am getting ready to get everything I want, and then that rug gets ripped out from under your feet. I find myself waiting on some things until the timing is perfect but worry that even if I get to that place in time, I will still be afraid of what will come from it, or not come from it, more specifically. I guess it all goes back to the fact that you cannot control anything or anyone in your life except for yourself. The problem is, I read into everything and many times assume things are a certain way and they aren’t. Or I assume someone feels a certain way and they don’t. Or I assume that something about myself is a good thing (or at least not a bad thing) but in the eyes of someone else, its not.

I guess I wish some days I knew that everything is going to work out. My grandmother tells me it will, my parents do, the people who love me do. But what if it doesn’t. Family situations presently are making me think about that more. What if I am here, by myself, writing to a computer, 30 years from now? Maybe I will have some crazy friend in my same boat and we can both bitch about how we wished someone along the way had taken the time to give us a shot. A shot at what, I don’t know. A shot at love. A shot at a job. A shot at a new opportunity. Hell - Maybe a shot of tequila.

Open Books Don't Work

I used to think that being an “open book” about myself was a good thing. I thought it made me more accessible in relationships, that it would make people feel more comfortable with me, and that letting them get to know the “all” of me from the beginning was the best way.

I have watched past relationships be destroyed because of my lack of filter on information I share. Not that the info I am sharing is shocking or bad by any means, it’s just not presented at the right time or the right way. When faced with another one of these failures, I always end up saying that I don’t know where it went wrong, and there are two people specifically that tell me over and over that I need to learn how to “filter” and not be so open so soon. I have heard them many times, but I don’t think I have really understood it until recently when I did it again.

When confiding in a friend on my latest screw up, one who has lived through my craziness first hand, I got the response, "Try to then think about why you said it, and then why it didn't have the effect you wanted it to. The common theme will undoubtedly sound familiar. Julie got a little excited and accidently dumped her mental baggage on someone else. Don’t give up. There are many eligible bachelors out there and many would think you are ‘the best thing since sliced cheese’.”. It feels good to hear these things but it all goes back to me finding someone who can put up with my moments of pure insanity. I am going to mess up sometimes. It's a guarantee.

Am I going to learn to just shut up and allow myself to not screw something up based on stupid comments from the peanut gallery? Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn the lesson without completely pushing someone away, we’ll get through it, and my stupidity will make us stronger in the end. That’s probably a lot to ask.

White Picket Fences

I have been in Alaska the last couple of days staying with one of my dearest friends, her husband and their 3-year old son. This was a couple I knew in college, who married right after we graduated and who have actually made it in their marriage, unlike myself.

Spending the last few days here has been so surreal. The Saylors, from an outsider’s point of view, have the White Picket Fence life. Yes, I know they must have problems, we all do in relationships, but that is not what this is about. They have a beautiful home, an incredibly smart 3-year old (he won’t actually be 3 until next week), vacation often together, have lunch together most every day, and end their day together as a family. They are exactly where I thought I would be at this point in my life.

The thing I love most about this scenario is the way they are raising their son. I mentioned that he has to be the smartest 3 year old I have met, and I am not exaggerating. The kid can spell giraffe (I had to use spell check on that word) among many, many other words. He adores the show “Little Einsteins” which amazes me – this show, which teaches kids about music, uses songs from Mozart and Beethoven in its examples. We are thinking that is where he has picked up using the word “crescendo” and his interest in the piano and violin. He is 3! I contribute the majority of this to his parents. When Paige got pregnant, she quit her job as a full time teacher to become a full time mom. Josh isn’t being raised by a nanny or daycare worker. He is out experiencing the world with his mom each day, seeing his dad most days for breakfast, lunch and dinner and spends his time learning things like how to spell “giraffe” (I didn’t get it that time either). Maybe the hardest part of this week has been the comments from the moms that I have come across. I "get" kids. Interacting with them is natural to me. So the comments like “How can you not have children?!?!” or “You are so good with them!” get me thinking more and more about having them one day.

The following statements always manage to piss off at least one woman each time I say them out loud. It’s my opinion, and simply stated, the “women’s movement” has given me the right to have this opinion. There are so many women these days that are completely against being a stay at home mom. They are so “career oriented” and have to be the next CEO of some major company just to prove that they can rise above a man in the work place. They are so worried about the “women’s movement” and supporting women’s rights that they see this as the only option. The thing I don’t get is, isn’t the movement supposed to be about the ability to have the CHOICE to do one thing or another? Just because a woman wants to raise a child, rather than put them in daycare each day, does not mean they are less of a feminist than anyone else. It doesn’t mean they don’t believe women should be equal. Maybe it just means that what is the most important thing to them in this world is being a part of a loving family and making sure that they can instill their beliefs and values into their children on a full time basis. Not to say that a career mom doesn’t feel this way also, they just have other priorities as well. I just don’t understand why if you are going to have children, why you are ok with someone else raising them. And yes, I am perfectly fine with the stay at home dad concept too, just as long as I could provide for the family.

I think what Paige and Mike are doing with their family is fantastic. It has always been my hope to be able to do the same with my own one day. Believe me, I understand that may not be an option. Salaries, husbands, and having a child have to all line up and trust me there are some days I worry that I will have to be calling my best male friend (who has no intention of having children) to see if he wants to provide a little "donation". (kidding – I think…).  I'll be 31 next month and I am trying to line up my life in the way that I will still feel fulfilled if things don’t happen according to the plan in my head. Being a Marketing VP was not going to give me that fulfillment. I am hoping that helping other families will.

Maybe it will all line up one day. The love of my life, the child, the 3-car garage house in the burbs (that we don’t have to default on when the economy gets bad). And the again, maybe it won’t. Besides, I have always thought a dark wooden stain would look better on the fence anyway.

Trusting me - not just trusting you...

I have been thinking a lot about trust, privacy and the relation of those things to relationships. Not necessarily romantic relationships but all relationships, whether that be with friends, family or a partner.

I have recently come across someone who has experienced a decent amount of distrust in their life. Their privacy was deeply invaded in the past and the saddest thing about it is that not only did it destroyed their faith in another person but they found the violation so strong, they ended up destroying something they should have held on to for the rest of their life. Although they seem to trust pretty well now, you can still see that hesitancy where they aren’t positive you aren’t going to do the exact same thing.

At what point in any relationship do you realize that you can trust someone? And I don’t mean the trust where you are ok with them coming over to water your plants while you are out of town. I mean the real trust where you can tell someone things about yourself that under normal circumstances you would be afraid it would change their opinion of you; the type of trust where you can say anything and not feel judged in any way; the type of trust that leaves you completely vulnerable with your heart on the table and it doesn’t really scare you but excites you for the possibilities for the future.

I think most of us believe that type of trust has mostly to do with the other person. But what if that trust comes mostly from ourselves? What if it’s not really about how trustworthy that other person is, but how much we trust our own self – how much we believe that no matter what this person finds out or how much we share of ourselves, we still know that we are a good person and love ourselves enough to allow that other person to see what is inside.

I want someone to come across “The Book of Julie’s Deepest Secrets”, and rather than ripping it open and reading every line, they bring it over and put it on my lap…and ask me to read it to them. Every single page. Not because they NEED to know those things from my past to see if they could love me, but because they do love me, and don't want to miss out on one single thing about me - good or bad.

Signs You Are Going In The Right Direction

I am having way too many strange parallels, or things that are merging in my life at the moment. I don’t even know what you would call them because they aren’t your typical “coincidence”.

It started Wednesday night. I was standing in my parent’s kitchen with both of them and my mom randomly says, “I want to go to Alaska”. Then I blurted out that I wanted to go too. She made a comment that unless I was going to treat them I wasn’t going. I then said “We could stay at Paige’s house in Anchorage and that is kind of like me treating” and was answered with a laugh. Not more than 2 hours later, I received a phone call from Paige Saylor’s husband, Mike. Paige was my big sister in Zeta in Undergrad and was in my wedding. I have seen Paige once since my wedding and unfortunately it was not for hers, but that is another story. Mike left a message on my phone and said that since Paige’s 30th birthday is on the 17th and she doesn’t need or really want anything, he wanted to fly me up to Alaska for a week to spend it with her. 24 hours later I had a plane ticket in my name to fly to Alaska. I think I am more dumbfounded writing this that I was telling the story out loud.

The same evening, I went to an event at the Belly Up. It was my first time to the club and was meeting someone there whom I had not met before. I had agreed to try and get over there a little early since I live so close and get in line as the event was supposed to be at it’s max but there was still a chance to get in. While standing in line, I struck up a conversation (imagine that) with a couple standing next to me. We hit it off pretty well, joked about how the guy running around in the monkey suit (literally) outside was actually who I was supposed to be meeting, etc. We ran into them again inside and ended up sitting next to them. As the night went on, the girl and I talked about jobs and I told her about a job I had applied to at a local health care company. She looked at me with a shocking look on her face and said “that’s my old boss’s position”. Dumbfounded again - twice in one night.

So now it is Friday. I have had a super long day, having worked the 6am to 2pm shift at the hotline and then swam a mile at the club after that. On a side note, what does GMA stand for? Specifically across the ass of a really hot man’s swimsuit that could double for boxer brief’s? I want to vote for the meaning to be “Gorgeous Men’s Association” but am afraid it may actually be “Gay Men’s Association”. Here I go losing track again…lost my count twice in the pool today and I NEVER lose my count.

So I swim my mile (give or take a lost count lap or two) and head home to wrap up things at the neighbor’s house whom I have been house sitting for. I decide I am in desperate need of a manicure and head out to get the last nail appt. for the day. As I am sitting there, a girl sitting a couple of feet away from me, whose name ends up being Jill, tells her manicurist that she wants something different over her nails tonight – not the light pink she usually puts over it (there is a point, I promise). I of course have to share my opinion and recommend she tries Bubble Bath over her manicure, as it is the one I always use and I love how clean and natural it looks. As a random side note, I had painted my nails red tonight for God only knows what reason. I haven’t painted my nails ANY color except “Clear” and “Bubble Bath” since I was like 10. Go figure. Ok…regrouping…

Jill takes my advice and loves her nails. Score one point for Julie on the “being a girl” counter. Jill and I start to chat and I ask if she works out at the same Club as myself as she looks familiar for some reason. She actually had joined the week before. Obviously not where I think I know her. We then start talking about my work situation and how I am in Marketing and cannot seem to find a job to save my life. She proceeds to tell me, “I was in marketing until I was 32 and then went back to school to become a licensed therapist. I now have a private practice focusing on relationships, depression and anxiety”. Julie is dumbfounded again. Julie also now loves Jill for reminding Julie that she is not completely crazy for trying to turn her entire marketing career upside to become a Marriage and Family therapist, which, I may add….I will have to start at the age of 32! We talked a bit about it - what I am doing now, what I am trying to do now, why I love it, where I want to go...I even was able to help her out with a client in a DV situation with some info I was able to pull up sitting there. I gave her my info, hoping for a new workout buddy, or at least a new girlfriend to get my nails done with.

As I was leaving, she said to me, “You are doing the right thing Julie. You are going into the right industry”.

*Note* As I saved this blog entry I started to think, what image should I try and find to post with this entry? I need something like a direction sign showing good things to come. I didn’t have to go and try and find the image. I had already come across it, loved it, and saved it for a “later date” exactly one week ago.

Where Are the 30% Who Don't?

I was talking with someone last night about how no one likes to be cheated on (seems like an obvious statement but in the context it made sense). Tonight I find out that yet another one of my friends has been cheated on by her husband. In the last year, I know 6 people who have either cheated or have been cheated on by either their spouse or long term partner.

The more I think about this the more it perplexes me. I say this, knowing that someone will find it sexist, but I honestly don’t mean it as such – it’s just that out of those 6 people, it has been the man who has cheated in every situation. This scares the crap out me. Has it gotten to the point where I can basically just count on being cheated on by my husband? Most of the stats I see say between 50-70% of married men cheat. My odds are not so good. 4 out of these 6 men were men who I trusted, considered to be great guys and who I believed deeply loved their wife/girlfriend.

I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends (who is trying fix the relationship) and part of her believes that there are things that she did that basically supported his cheating. I am not sure if I believe this. Ok, I guess if you are married and are withholding sex from your husband, that may encourage it, but that was not the case for her. Then again, I read it Psychology Today that 80% of the men who cheat don’t cheat because of sex. It’s more of a need of feeling wanted, being understood or because of love. I really want to believe that there are A) Men that cheat and B) Men that don’t cheat. Why are we blaming it on ourselves when really, the guy just might be a cheater?

I think they only thing that can make the cheating situation worse, actually happened to two people I know. Their cheating spouse did not use any form of protection, and of course, came back and slept with their wives. That goes to another level. If you are going to mess with someone’s emotions that is one thing. But when you put their health at risk….I don’t even know how to describe how angry it makes me even thinking about that. It is so beyond unfair and honestly I think is worse than the cheating, if you could separate the two. Messing with someone’s emotions is one thing. Messing with someone’s health and safety is another. I think that would put me past what I could forgive. Thank goodness I have never had to experience a very serious relationship betrayal, so I can’t answer that for sure, but I don’t think I could get past that.

So it comes back to the question…why does it seem like there are so many people cheating at the moment? Is it because I am getting older and I am seeing more serious relationships? Is it because it is being more widely accepted? We are blaming everything else on the economy right now so for the sake of ending this, I’ll blame cheating on the economy too.

Praying Mantis Moments

Friends amaze me. The people from my past – the people that are in my current life. They all amaze me. The one I am thinking about tonight is Angela. I have a really freakin’ weird connection with Angela. When we were both married to Marines, living in Havelock, NC (it’s as exciting as it sounds) we were a major support system for one another. When it was time for me to move, we actually joked about how we weren’t sure how either one of us were going to stay married without the other one close by. We were both divorced within a year. I called her tonight and she laughed when she answered the phone. She said she had just thought about me calling her. I haven’t talked to Angela in probably 2 months. And these “coincidences” (I put them in quotes because I don’t believe in coincidences) happen all the time with her.

Angela told me the moment she knew that Andy was not the one for me. The moment is now referred to as the “praying mantis moment”. Angela and I were talking in the front yard one day and she bent down and picked up a praying mantis. I was a little freaked out, as I was not one to pick up bugs, especially ones that looked like that. After quite a bit of convincing, she got me to hold the insect. I was so excited that I ran to the door and hollered for Andy to come out. Irritated, he came outside to see what all of the commotion was and was not too thrilled to find that I had interrupted him to show him a “bug”. I think the exact response I got was “So what?”. As small of a thing that was for me to be holding that animal, it hurt to have him react that way. And even though I didn’t show it, Angela picked up on it.

The girl is amazing. I haven’t seen her in probably 6 years and every time we talk it is like we were together yesterday. We are polar opposites in many, many ways. Angela would prefer to never have to walk into a grocery store or restaurant again and grow her own food in the backwoods of New Hampshire, where I get nervous if I haven’t seen a McDonald’s in 2 miles. But for some reason, this girl and I really get each other.

I laugh thinking about the praying mantis now. It’s so symbolic to me. Makes me realize that certain things in a marriage or relationship aren’t that important. But you never know when something really is going to be important to that other person. It’s why it’s important to constantly be learning from them, talking with them, believing in them, and even when you aren’t feeling your best, show your support for them. Everyone has his or her praying mantis moments. I just hope when my next one comes around, in whatever form it is, someone loves me enough to recognize it, smile, and say, “That’s my girl”.

Please Stay Behind MY Rope

Not sure if I have one direct thought tonight. I guess I am mostly thinking about respect and boundaries. I see situations (or hear about situations) all the time on the hotline about people not being respected (as a whole) and not having their boundaries respected. These situations are on the extreme levels, but they have made me much more aware of my own boundaries and whether I feel like people are giving me respect.

I went out to dinner tonight with someone whom has expressed a great deal of interest in me. As much as I would love to be in a relationship right now, I am not on that level with this person yet and have asked them – very bluntly I might add – to give me some time to get to know them as a friend. Tonight I expected those wishes to be respected. They weren’t. Even after talking about it the situation again tonight, he still tried to play the boyfriend card with me.

If I want to get to know you and develop a friendship, I don’t want to hold your hand. I don’t want you to put your arm around me. I don’t want you to try and kiss me. I sure as heck don’t want to spend the night. I don’t want to hear how you can’t believe that I don’t see how right the two of us would be together.

To have someone do all of these things does not make me want to be with them more. It actually makes me want to not even pursue a friendship because they obviously cannot respect me, or my boundaries. Not sure how anyone would think that would be the way to sweep a woman off their feet or start a relationship.

To Stress or Not to Stress

I spent two hours last night jumping up and down on towels trying to get them to absorb as much water from the carpet as possible. I realized something last night that I think I already knew, but it really became clear. The other day I pulled my car into the garage that I am house sitting at and pulled in too far and scraped the crap out of the front on my bumper and broke off part of a reflector. A year ago I would have been pissed. I would have completely stressed about the situation because it meant A) more money B) more time C) a pain in the ass to get fixed. This time I think I said “dang it”, got out of the car, picked up the pieces of the reflector and thought to myself, “Oh well. At least it wasn’t a major accident”. When I told my dad about it, his reaction was quite a bit stronger. At some point I told him that it wasn’t a big deal and that I would take care of it. Last night when the washing machine hose broke and poured water onto the floor and carpet for probably 30 minutes I walked out of the bedroom and again went “crap”. I called the emergency plumber (dad) and started to get things out of the laundry room so that it would be easier to start cleaning up. I had forewarned him there was water all over the floor, but when he got there, you would thought the house had burned down.

Now granted, my father is in a much more stressful place than I am even with my current situation, but I just don’t see what the point of getting so stressed about a situation that you can’t do anything about, except fix it will do. All it would do is just that…stress me out. It feels good to finally be in a place where the “little things” don’t matter so much anymore. Shit happens. It does. And you roll with it and move on. Sure, I would have rather spent those 2 hours curled up in bed watching reruns of Will and Grace and Sex in the City on TBS but that wasn’t an option.

What really are the things worth getting stressed over? Losing a job? Having trouble finding the next one? Staying with family for way too long? Even these things that are the most stressful in my life, seem to not eat at me so much anymore. I am where I am. I am doing all I can do to change that situation and stressing about it doesn’t do anything.

One of my favorite song quotes is from “Everyone is Free to Wear Sunscreen” where they say “Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday”. I believe that. It’s Wednesday now, so I guess I am safe for the next week.

Playing Slots with Life

This work thing is out of control. I looked today and I have applied to 212 jobs. 212. And there are not just any jobs but jobs that I am completely qualified for. 212. What number will I reach before I hit the jackpot?

It is scary to watch the economy right now. The only thing that makes me feel a little bit better is to open the newspaper and to see that the unemployment rate in San Diego is still going up. Not that that should make me feel good, but it at least makes me realize I am not the only one out there in this crap position. I never, never, never thought I would be 30 years old, with a Master’s Degree and tons of fantastic experience (and many successes as well!) and be having this difficult of a time finding a full time job. I know technically I do have a “job” but it is so part-time and random that it’s hard to count it some days. I am so thankful family has been able to help out over the last year. It has been SO hard living with them during this time – not really because of them, but more because of pride and wanting my own space and “stuff” back. My belongings have been in storage for the last 11 months – God only knows what shape they are going to be in, especially with the a-hole running the moving and storage company.

It will work out eventually. The greatest thing that has come out of all of this has been my ability to go and work for CCS and really do some amazing work through them. It has been wonderful training for and then putting my training to work for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. I don’t know how many lives I have saved but I know it has been quite a few, but just going over safety planning with some of these people. And getting to the end of the call and having them say “Julie…I think you may have just saved my life” is worth every bit of it.

As strange as this may sound, part of me believes that maybe this unemployment period has been because I was supposed to help someone. Maybe I was supposed to talk to “Lisa” about how to get herself and her children safely out of her home while her husband was at the store. Maybe I was supposed to go to Wilmington to help my grandparents. Maybe there will be someone next week that I come across that needs me more than I need a job at the moment, and if I had been working I wouldn’t have been able to help them. Maybe when I do whatever it is that I was supposed to do, that is when I will get my next full time job. I have always believed that with death, so why not this. Part of me has always believed that you are put on this earth to do certain things. And once you have finished those things, that is when God takes you. It’s the only rational explanation for why some people get run over by a car and walk away and others get stung by a bee and die. The people who walk away haven’t finished whatever they are supposed to do. The ones who don’t walk away, have. What do I have to do before I hit the “jackpot” I call Heaven?

Show Me Your Freak Flag

So I officially gained 7 lbs from eating Southern food for the last two weeks. Yep! Count ‘em. 7! And I almost completely lost my tan too which I didn’t notice so much until coming back to Southern California and mixing myself back in with the “beautiful people” in this area. It’s official. I am fat and white again. :)

I will disappointingly say that the only good things about “Grey’s Anatomy” anymore is Meredith’s monologue at the beginning and the end of the show and the new music that you can get introduced to. What happened to this show? I seriously think some of their writers went to “Private Practice”.

I have been doing the online dating thing and I must say, there are some very interesting people out in this world. Trust me, I know I am far from perfect and probably show my “freak flag” a little too quickly, but where in the world do these guys learn the things they do???

Probably the oddest one was the guy who thought it was completely appropriate to tell me on our first date that his mother has a severe mental illness and he was afraid that he has begun developing some of the psychotic traits of the illness as well.  Needless to say, we didn’t go out again (and he actually did ask).

Then you have the guys that drop you off after midnight, in the pitch black and don’t even wait to see if you make it to the door. I literally closed the door and he pulled off. And keep in mind, this was a few dates in. I have NEVER not (there goes my beloved double negatives) waited for someone to get safely in the door before leaving. Isn’t this common sense? Isn’t this what any decent person does? Ha…I guess that explains it because he ended up not being such a decent person anyway.

And then there are those ones who are so strange before you even meet them that A) you are so scared of going because of one thing or another that they have said that when you show up, you wish you could do the emergency phone call stunt (which I have NEVER done for the record) or B) they are so creepy on the phone that you will think of anything to cut communication. I always try to give people a chance but I guess there are a few things you should go with your gut on (which mine is 7 lbs smarter now!).

Where are the “normal” un-normal people??? I will be perfectly happy with someone as odd as me, I actually would prefer someone with their own “freak flag” but please…can’t I have a few decent and gentlemanly qualities?

Will Work for Family

I left Wilmington yesterday to head back to San Diego. I must admit, I think that was the most exhausting trip I have ever had. I am so glad I went. Nany and Pop really needed a lot of help and I am glad I was able to be there when they needed it.

They gave me an envelope Monday night with cash in it. They knew I was going to put up a fight about it. Nany started to say that it was because of all the help I had given them. I explained that I don't get paid to help family. That is not what family is about. Then it changed to "a gift from our hearts" because they don't ever get to do anything for me and my family - they don't get to buy us presents. I said she could get me a birthday present instead this year. I finally gave up with the argument knowing that I wouldn't be taking the money. When they went to bed, I stayed up and wrote them both a letter. I explained that being able to spend the last two weeks with them was better than any gift they could have given me. I explained that I wasn't there because I felt like it was my "job" to be there - I was there because I wanted to help them, because I love them. They didn't have to give me money to show they loved me - they show me that every day of my life. I folded up the letter and took the money out of the envelope and was shocked. My grandparents have never been what people would consider to be "well off". In the envelope was $500 in cash. I couldn't believe for even one second that they would really believe I would take that. I pitched a fit when I thought it was $100. I left the letter and envelope on Pop's computer as I walked out of the house to leave for the airport.

They are mad I didn't take the money but they'll get over it. What is family for if you can't rely on them to help you though hard times? I could never imagine my parents not being there for me if I needed help, just like they have been there for me over the last year. And I can't imagine not being there for my grandparents if they need help. They didn't ask for help, but you know when someone can use a helping hand.

"Will work for food." Will work for family. Money not need apply.

Worlds Apart?

I find it fascinating how two people, can come from the same person and turn out completely worlds apart. Spending time with April today blew my mind in regards to what this girl has been though. To put it in prospective, she is living with a man who is almost 65 years old and April is 23. Enough said on that one. He is getting ready to move and she is not sure if she is going to continue to live with him so is making plans to move back to the homeless shelter in town. Why does this have to be an option for her? The girl is tougher than any 23 year old I have ever met. And that toughness comes from a great deal of tough times.

We sat and talked for a couple of hours today and I guess the thing I found the most surprising is how much she really does want help. I brought her some clothes today and even though they weren't her style, she was so gracious. She is having a hard time finding a job (aren't we all?) but is really wanting to get one, so I offered her some major support with her resume, some applications, and even making a few calls on her behalf. I got from her one of the most sincere hugs and thank you's I have received in a while. The thing is, she isn't asking me to do it for her. All is doing is asking for a little bit of support - and not even in a monetary way. She is so aware of what her mom did wrong in life. And to be honest, I thought she was so "far gone" years ago that she couldn't be led in the right direction. I think I was wrong with that one. And maybe we aren't really all that worlds apart. She has a good head on her shoulders and the girl is smart! She has just seen a lot more than anyone at her age should have seen.

Adam Goldstein and Travis Barker - you and your family are in my prayers.

New Family, Old Family and Turtles

Chase and Kelly had their 3rd baby, Dustin, last night. It feels like I have a new nephew, even though Chase is my cousin. It's funny how you can pick back up exactly where you left off with certain people. For some reason, him and I tend to fall back into it even after, wow, I want to say 5 years. Strange how that happens.

I saw April today. Debie, Betty Ann's sister, ran into her at a gas station of all places and said told her I had spent 4 hours in the woods looking for her and her mom this past week. April is at least not homeless (at the moment) but does need some help. She didn't ask for money (which somewhat surprised me) but asked for winter clothes. She left an abusive man, 11 years her senior, just before the summer and left everything she owned with him except for the clothes on her back and her binder from the program I got her into last time I saw her. She kept all of her completion certificates and was very proud to tell me about it. Clothes I will do! Money I won't. Money always equals drugs or alcohol in the state she is in. But clothes are good.

I feel like I have been in this "save the world" mode the last week and a half. I feel like I am taking care of everyone. Pop has gotten so much needier since I have been here - the man who usually won't let you touch a dish or even try to prepare a meal has been passing the dishes to me at the table and asking what I am making for dinner every day. Nany, of course, is needing everything, but that is why I am here. Then comes my other grandmother which I don't even want to start on...Betty Ann....April....and this evening when I was driving home, I saved a turtle. :)

Silent Giggles

Whew! I don't even know where to start today. It's only 11:32pm here and I am about to peel over. I couldn't sleep to save my life last night. I think the last time I looked at the clock was at 4:30am. Some nights my brain just will NOT shut off! I was thinking about work (or lack thereof) last night. Hmph - I use "lack thereof" a lot.

Something I have been thinking about is giggling. Each night when I am "trying" (I define that word loosely) to get my grandmother into bed, the two of us have what we now call our "Silent Giggles". As hard as we try to miss him, every time we try and lay her down, she comes within inches of missing her pillow and landing her head smack dab on top of her husband. That is where the silent giggles come in. You are trying SO hard not to laugh/smile but you end up with that goofy look on your face like if you had your lips removed by the world's worst plastic surgeon and are trying to smile. We woke him up tonight because the silent giggles irrupted into laughter and if you knew how hard it was for my grandfather to hear you would be shocked that we even got him to stir. He opened his eyes, flashed that grin, and said "you two quit your giggles". I felt like I was at a 12 year old sleep over, trying to sneak down to the kitchen. (that's probably not what 12 year olds do at sleep overs anymore).

Had another police search and rescue today. Well, another search and search. The one thing we did come across was yet another abandoned camp and as we were getting closer, a smell like I have never smelt before arose. I cannot even begin to explain how foul it was. By the time we got into the camp I literally had to breathe through my mouth. I was sticking close to "my" officer (who had begun to find it hilarious that I would swat at my ear every time he used a piece of grass to touch it) and he kept talking about the smell. Eventually the other one came over and said to him, "You know what that smell is, don't you?". Something or someone had died in that immediate area and it was recent. I thank God they did not want to stick around to play CSI for too long. I don't know what I would have done if I had seen a dead body.

When we were all going our separate ways this evening, and after another offer to try again tomorrow, I thanked them (again) and said I couldn't believe they went out with me the first time, much less a second. I got a smile and a "that's what we are here for - to protect and we serve". Now why don't all men have that ingrained in their head?

The Blair Homeless Project

I spent approximately two hours today with two armed and uniformed police officers wandering two areas of woods in Wilmington. The area we thought Betty Ann and April were in was abandoned and so they took me over to a 20 acre area of woods not too far away that we thought they had moved to.

We spent a significant amount of time laughing about the fact that I could hear the two of them cursing me inside their head, "Damn woman! We could be in our air conditioned cars at the moment, but nooooo....we are out here with you in 90 degree humid weather looking for homeless people!". They denied it, but I swear I heard it. Ahhh... And the Blair Witch moment. One officer was a ahead of us in the 20 acre area and the other officer stopped me to point out something. 5 seconds later we looked up and the other officer had literally disappeared. At the same time we both said "Where did he go????". "This feels a little Blair Witch-ish all of a sudden," I said. After a laugh, he said "The good news is this is a square area of woods so we can't get lost in here." I mentioned that I thought that exact line was in the movie as well.

I have to say - two of the kindest police officers I have ever met. They have offered to take me back out on Wednesday if I decide to stay in town to search some more. Found out Betty Ann is still with the man who assaulted her in 2006. He's got one of the worst reputations in the city and pulled a box cutter on one of the officers I was with last time they ran into him. Sounds like a quality man if I do say so myself!

Raspberries and Heroin

At 10am, Pop and I went to pick up Nany from the nursing home. She was so excited to get out of there and as we were leaving I said, "You know what we are going to have to do when we get outside? Give this place a raspberry". It took her a minute but she knew exactly what I was talking about. We got her settled into Pop's car and before I shut the door we counted to three and gave what I would consider one of the best all time raspberries to Oakdale Nursing Home. It was the perfect ending to a getaway from a place she never wanted to return to.

Why is it that raspberries can make you feel so much better about a crap situation? My friend Tony and I used to give them to an old workplace of mine every single time we drove by. And you cannot do it without having a smile creep across your face. I think raspberries need to be a mandatory addition to any "that sucked!" scenarios going forward.

After things settled down for the day and I spent an hour watching the first half of "The Bucket List" with Nany, I headed out to meet up with a woman I had met the night before. She is from Orange Co. originally and we struck up a conversation with each other as she was waiting for her blind date to show up. As I was getting ready to leave, I realize that something I was wanting to do was probably not the safest thing for me. I had heard from my birth mother's sister recently that she and my half sister were homeless again and living in the woods behind Target in Wilmington. The amount of substance abuse, child abuse, and domestic violence among other things, that this family has experienced is beyond anything imaginable. I have attempted in the past to help my two half sisters by getting them into programs - the younger one Amanda has come out on top (after being pulled out of the house by CPS). April on the other hand, not so much which has brought her back to being homeless.

So now, being here in Wilmington, I am curious of what is going on with April. On the way out tonight though I realized that venturing into the woods to what sounds like a "homeless camp" is probably not the best thing to do. With my luck I would get stuck by a needle by some heroin addict high as a kite. So I stopped at the police station to see if there was anyone there familiar with the area. I spoke with an officer who knew exactly what homeless group I was talking about immediately. He said they have had numerous problems with them and there have been some pretty significant attacks within the group over the last couple of months at night. He asked what my birth mom's name was and when I said it, he said, "Oh geeze". He knew her - he actually spent over two hours with her in the hospital in 2006 after she was on the receiving end of "one of the worst domestic violence beatings" he has seen. I told him that her husband had died of a heroin overdose a few years back so he was out of the picture. But when we looked up the case, we found this to be another man who is still around. The irony of all of this consumed me. Here I am working as a DV counselor in San Diego while the life that could have been mine was on the receiving end of it on the opposite end of the country. I don't even need to go into my luck on this one. Or the fact that God was really, really looking out for me on this one. I'll be receiving a call from the Sergeant who heads up that area tomorrow. Looks like I may be traipsing into the woods, in daylight, with a gun and badge beside me. And who ever said Wilmington wasn't exciting?

The Truth About Grandmas

Well…here we go. The last few days have been more than interesting. I am in Wilmington, NC helping my grandparents out for the week. My grandmother (whom I call Nany) had a stroke last year and had gotten so weak recently that she had to go into a nursing home. What they have done with her in regards to rehab has been amazing. She is coming home on Saturday and I am not sure how it is going to work. My grandfather (Pop) wants to do everything for her which is not what she needs. She NEEDS to work on doing these things herself – it is the only thing that will keep her strength up.

Anyhow, being here has made me think about so many things. Nany has always been an incredibly special part of my life. We used to spend hours talking on the phone, which she can’t do so much anymore, but we have been able to do that a lot since I have been here. Last night before I came back to the house, we were looking through pictures on my computer. She always asks about my love life (or lack thereof) and I pointed out to her the man who I consider the love of my life (so far!) whom she had never seen a picture of. At first I thought she would be shocked that the person I considered to be that great love was not my ex husband. But then I remembered who I was talking to. She knows me better than my own skin. She wanted to know what happened and we just left it at the fact that he is now married with 2 kids. Sometimes things don’t work out. About a month ago, I wasn’t dating anyone and she said to me that the real love of my life was going to show up. I asked “You promise?” and as confident and as sure as anyone has ever told me anything, she said “Yes. I promise”. As ridiculous as this may sound to some, it was literally like she honestly knew that. Like God had told her that I was going to end up on top in the f-ed up world of dating. Well, God wouldn’t have used the f-word, but point being…. A couple of weeks ago she was asking about a guy who I had gone on a couple of dates with. She gets so excited anytime I have a good date (maybe more excited than me) and this was no different. When I told her that I just didn’t know anymore what was going on (you really can start to tell when he is “just not that into you”) she looked at me and said “Julie – I don’t understand that. How could anyone meet you and not love every single bit of you? Those people don’t know you.”

I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about all that she has said to me. Literally I had been up since 7am and was wide awake at 3:40am. She introduces me as “the love of my life”. She makes me feel like a better person. She makes me a better person. Tonight before I left, she was sitting there reading the paper and I was working on some cards for her friends at the nursing home and I caught her staring at me. I asked what she was thinking and she said “About you”. She said she was so happy that I wanted to be there with her. I told her that I loved her more than she knew and told her that she makes me a better person. She responded, “Julie – you make ME a better person. I love you more than you will ever, ever know” and I said “I know you do”. And honestly, even writing this brings tears to my eyes. No one has EVER said that to me and me know, with no doubt, that it is absolutely true. I don’t ever want to forget the way I felt when she said that. Ever.