i heart me

I have learned that it is amazing what can change in your life when you decide to change yourself.

I have been doing some major soul searching. Something opened my eyes and I realized what I was missing in my life was - me. I have always said that I wanted to find someone who wouldn’t give up on me when I acted like an idiot, or did the wrong thing. A person who when I tried so hard to screw up the relationship would look me dead set in the eye and say, “I am not going to let you screw this up. I am here to stay." And now I know that person…has to be me.

I took a new look at life. I took a new look at MY life. I came up with some new plans and scratched a few too. I decided that I was ok with not having plans with some things. That they just needed to happen. I wrote. I searched for things that explained in words what I was thinking. I found new mantras for myself…new reminders for myself. I did things that I have been wanting to do with someone else with myself.

Doors are starting to open. Lots of them. I am hearing and seeing things differently. My intuition is kicking in on a much different level then it has before.

Do I still want a lot of the same things I did a week ago? Of course I do. I want to be in love, I want to find a job that will fulfill me. I want to help people that are in situations that are very difficult. I still want to save the world. The difference is, I know that I can’t have these things until I am in love with myself, I fulfill myself, I help myself and I save myself.

The world looks a lot different when your eyes are open and your heart is filled with a love that can't be taken away.

Searching For My Piece of Luck

St. Patty’s Day - the day of being pinched for not wearing green. The day of four leaf clovers in hopes of bringing good luck. Not a bad day if I do say so myself. I started with a very early morning interview after a very poor night of sleep. And that was purely because I was afraid my alarm wasn’t going to go off, so you end up waking up every 30 minutes to an hour, which is no fun at all. I left for the interview with a smile on my face none-the-less. There is no reason I shouldn’t be chosen for this job. It fits me in every aspect extremely well and is one of those that I know there is so much I would bring to the table. Keep in mind I have been saying this for 18 months now. And now is the time where jobs are at the worst. You wish you could go back at the end and say “What was it that made you not choose me?”. You always wonder what that one thing you could have said or done differently was. It makes me wonder more what it is that will stick.

I started class today. I have been accepted to the Master’s in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy at Pepperdine University. The first five classes that I need to take could be waived if I had taken them in the past 7 years. So I was faced with the grueling decision of whether I wanted to take the classes at Pepperdine at $891 a credit or at a community college for $20 a credit and transfer them in. Now I have never considered myself to be a complete genius, but seriously…is there really a decision to be made here?

So my first class was interesting. It’s a little difficult to be in a class with a bunch of 18 year olds who really don’t have a clue on…a lot of things. The Britney Spears look-a-like who came in late…ok, more like the Britney Spears younger sister look-a-like, actually answered her cell phone in the middle of the lecture. Um…where did we learn that this was appropriate behavior? She must not have realized she is was class considering the only thing she brought with her was her phone and purse. But she looked cute! I ended up having my palm read after class by a Psych PhD. I got the “extremely intelligent and ambitious” to “not trusting people very easily” to “highly emotional”. He ended by looking at me and saying, “And you think…too much”. He is right about that one.

I’m getting better though. I am trying to learn how to be accepting of the way things are, more specifically how the way certain people are…how I fit into their world, or how they can fit into mine. Trying hard not to require a definition but have enough understanding so I don’t feel completely lost. Not there yet, but it could happen. That’s the beauty of all of this. Anything could happen.

Told you I’d be back to my happy self.

My role is done

I trust people. I trust them until they give me a reason not to. And even once they given a reason not to, I admit, there have been times I have trusted them again.

I think maybe I give too much. Maybe to the point where I have become transparent. In the sauna today I was talking with the girl who does wardrobes up in LA. She said, “You give a lot others”. She doesn’t know me at all. I do give a lot to others. If you don’t get much in return can that run out?

My heart hardened today. I felt that someone I cared about was not who they appeared to be and it made me feel cold towards them. Then I was worried about them. Really worried about them. And softened again. Then you find out truths and you just feel sad. I want to take things back. Things I have said to them. Things I have done for them. I want to take them all back. My biggest problem with when I give anything to someone is I am naive to when I am being used. And I don't recognize it until it becomes painfully obvious. And I do mean painfully.

It's not overwhelmed I feel. It's that feeling that you get when you know the time, energy, passion, compassion, care, and thought that you have put into something has done nothing. It's not recognized. It's not appreciated. It just doesn’t matter.

I need to be watered. I need a huge CPR breath. A breath that will fill me up again. I need an IV. I need something back…from something. And I know I need to find that myself.

I'll give myself another 24 hours. Then I'll be back to my happy me. Promise.

Don't Be Reckless

As I go through each day, I find myself taking notes. I take notes on a lot of things. Everything from a story I want to tell my best friend to something I need to remember to do later on. Over the last few days I have collected notes on this blog. And what is interesting is, they all seem to gravitate around the same theme, although I can promise you that was never an intention. They were just random thoughts that I wanted to be able to come back to and think through.

I thought through a lot of these things over the last few days. And today I was able to spend a lot of time by myself and really mulled things over. A lot of it is probably coming from my night last night. I spent the evening with a girlfriend from the gym – and met some new girlfriends in the process. It was a great night and it was wonderful to be out with someone who really is vested in you as you are with them. And what amazed me most, was at the end of the evening, the two girls I was with picked up the entire tab because they knew the situation I am in. Trust me, I fought it but didn’t win. And what amazes me is I don’t even get the tab picked up by men I go out with. I don’t ever expect it, but it is nice thing every once in a while, especially if it is in a dating situation.

My friend Ellen knows a lot about me from conversations that we have had at the gym. She always makes me feel so good about myself. She worries about me, like she says, any Jewish mother would. And recently she has been more concerned, as have I, that I am getting myself into a situation that won’t ever be what I want it to be. I am walking straight into a broken heart, and unfortunately know that I am. But I explained something to her last night and it came from a second revelation from my previous entry about “Ego Tripping”. I have been so wrapped up in so many areas of my life, focusing on one specific thing happening, that I miss out on all of the other things around me. But after the day I had this past Tuesday, I had another thought. I was in a moment (literally) that I couldn’t be happier in. I had exactly what I wanted right then. And I knew when I closed my eyes that night, that ever part of that moment would be gone so rather than keeping my heart behind a wall, I opened myself up, for just that moment. And I did it because if that was all I was ever going to get, I wanted to have ever bit of that moment. The problem lies in the fact that once that moment is gone, my brain (and heart) are still conscious of its existence. And that is where I get myself in trouble and where I get hurt.

But that leads me into the thing that I have always believed. Although now, I think I am beginning to question it. I have always believed that I would much rather have a broken heart, than to have never felt the things that brought me to that point of sadness. It’s similar to the cliché of “Better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved”. I probably end up getting hurt a lot more than I should with that frame of mind. I open myself up thinking that maybe, this time, it may work. It will be different. The problem is, I haven’t dated a man with any true kindness in a very long time. It’s not because I am picking the wrong ones. I just haven’t met anyone with understands what being kind to someone else is. One of my favorite lines/quotes is “Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours”. I follow the first part like it was scripture.

I don’t think I ask for a lot. Or maybe I do. I just have started to forget what it feels like to be treated well by a man. And that is why I have to continue to just do that for myself.

Quit Ego Tripping

Have you ever heard a song 1,000 times but never really listened to it? I mean REALLY listened to it. I was introduced to the Flaming Lips a couple of months ago and fell in love. There were a few songs that I was listening to a lot and many of them, I knew the words to, but today I really listened to it. I am not sure why, I wasn’t in some deeper meaning mood – I was just driving a long the 163 on the way to meet an old Board Member of mine and there they were. These lyrics that I needed to hear. And it wasn’t even the first time I listened to it that drive. I tend to get in a “specific song mood” and I will listen to something like 10 times over and over. I think I was on round 2 and there they were. I thought about them the rest of the day. I got to work and looked them up online and there they were – staring me in the face.

Keep in mind I have never heard this song outside of my own iPod. After work I felt like I needed to clear my head for a moment. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to discuss anything. I wanted to sit and think about everything that these lyrics had brought to my attention. And as I paid for my beer at a random dive bar in Solano Beach I heard those lyrics for the first time ever, outside of the confounds of my own car. I literally laughed out loud. I get it.

So that you don’t have to do your homework, I have posted the lyrics to “Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell” by the Flaming Lips below.

I don’t want to explain this one. It’s not necessary for me this time. I guess I just need this posted as my permanent reminder. A reminder to quit ego tripping.


“Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell”
By: The Flaming Lips

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
All the billion other moments
Were just slipping all away

I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

I was wanting you to love me
But your love it never came
All the other love around me
Was just wasting all away

I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
But the moment never came

The Definition of Redefine

I have heard a lot of talk about redefining yourself lately. Just last night I was watching a late night political talk show with a friend and the question on whether Americans will be able to recreate themselves in this economy came up. The same topic came up in a conversation between myself and someone I met, while sitting in a class at Pepperdine this week. I went up there to experience a class as my decision has been made to pursue my next graduate degree there.

The conversation I had was about how it takes courage to walk away from the definition of who you are – the person you have created over time. You are walking away from something you thought you were or at least wanted to be and transforming your world, or at least trying to, into something completely different. I am not talking about the essence of who someone is. That is not something that changes with school or career. I am talking about changing what you do on a daily basis. What you will do with the majority of your time. Whether you are making money for a large corporation, or barely getting by doing something you are extremely passionate about. It does affect the essence of who you are – you can’t spend that much time doing something and not have it affect you on a deeper level. And to be honest, I am scared sh*tless at the moment. I am getting ready to invest a great deal of time and money into something that I believe is going to make me feel fulfilled at the end of the day. The time I have - the money I don’t. Trying to figure out how to make that work is not easy. It makes you feel better though when you have a 20 minute conversation with someone you’ve just met and they tell you they are proud of you – because they can tell you are doing the right thing. I have gotten that a lot. It helps.

On top of those thoughts I am sitting in a sick house. My family is in bad shape and it is amazing to me how bad you feel when you are in a stale, sick environment. I was lucky to be able to stay out last night and wake up away from all of it in a room that was filled with fresh air. It's amazing though how quickly I’ve gone down hill since I got back here to the house. I keep trying to get myself up and go to the gym but this environment can drain the strength out of you so quickly. And adding to that is the fact that my back couldn’t be in worse shape today. It’s been an ongoing problem and just this past Wednesday I layed in a procedure room (once again) with 2 men sticking needles into my spine. No, not accupunture. The real stuff. Being in the hospital and realizing that one wrong move can end your life is a scary thought. I teared up. Pretty badly. Not only because it was scary to think that there were a lot of things in this life I wasn’t done with yet, but because if something had happened to me…anything…the doctor wouldn’t be able to just walk into the waiting room to tell someone. He would have had to pick up the phone. And THAT thought will make you feel the most alone you have ever felt.

The truth is we do all of this alone. Yeah, we may find that person that will stand by us while we go through this life but in the end we do still end up doing these things alone. Finding that person to stick around through all of it is not easy. I find myself on the giving end too often – at least a lot more than the receiving end. I was recently defined as a “nice distraction” from someone’s life. Not recognized as being in their life, but an outside distraction. A positive one in this case, but still, not a "real part" of their life. Again, another area where you find yourself wanting to be redefined. Like I said in the beginning…the subject is coming up a lot.

New Findings in a Wall

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts…We have a 2-parter this evening. I have literally about 15 other things that HAVE to get done tonight but I need to get this all out before I lose my thoughts on all of it.

Part 1. I spent the Tuesday evening with a friend of mine and for the first time, they opened up to me in a way they hadn’t before. Not in a “bare your soul” type of way, but our conversation was a little deeper. A little more telling. A little more truthful of ourselves. There was more substance in our time last night than any other time I have spent with this person. We will call my friend Phil, for the purpose of this discussion. The reason all of this is on my mind, and has been all day, is because I think I may have said/done something that may have cut off this newly discovered emotional depth that I found myself having with Phil. Let me preface this by say, I could be reading into everything. I have that tendency and I wouldn't but it past me on this one.

Backtracking a little, over the last week, Phil has been different with me. It’s been wonderful as I started to watch him open up a little more with each time I spent with him. And last night it became apparent that there was this person inside, with so much depth, substance, and heart, that I honestly have known was there, but just hadn’t seen in full form yet. I knew this level was there and maybe that is why I have stuck around like I have. I wanted to get here. I wanted to experience this person. Phil smiled differently last night. I made a comment/compliment to them and the smile they gave in return was the warmest most genuine smile I have seen. Our conversation was on a higher level of emotional intelligence that I have shared with Phil before, and aside from his text messages earlier on in the evening, I found Phil listening in a way to me that I don't think he has before.

And now, back to my original point, I am so afraid I may have closed that level off. I made a comment in relation to not getting emotionally involved. And I said this comment in my own protection, knowing myself and knowing how I am. I said it because months ago, Phil specifically told me….grrrr….how do I say this? Phil told me not to get emotionally involved on a certain level. I am literally terrified that they took that as ME not wanting to be that vulnerable, rather than the fact that I was reacting to previous discussions. This man is amazing. I mean truly amazing. Listening to stories of past relationships and what they want in someone else and wants for himself makes me realize even more how fantastic they are. And I would never…NEVER do or say anything to them that would discredit anything they had shared or do anything that would feel like a blow to the ego. I guess I just hope that no matter what, this person didn't think it was because I wouldn't want that emotional involvement. I said it because I wasn't asked not to before and have never been told any different.

Phil and I have lived a very parallel life. And I use the word parallel specifically for him. And it’s not in terms of career, or general interests although there is some crossover. It’s more in life experience, feelings about certain subjects, reactions to people, our values, and things that make our hearts beat a little stronger. Things that have a lot more substance than a day-to day-life. He wants excitement and adventure. Nothing structured. Nothing stable. He says his father seems to have an opinion on that. Hopefully he will see one day that there is a balance between those first two for something long term in life. And that sometime you have to look under the surface to see that things like life experiences are there - they just may not seem as exciting on the outside because they have been dealt with differently on the inside. (I have sighed too much writing this entry).

I started this entry out as a 2-parter, but I am going to leave it with Phil. My other thoughts on things tonight aren’t worthy of sharing this space with him. I laugh because he thinks he wants something in life that doesn’t have the structure and consistency of his mother. But put Phil in a room with an air vent that doesn’t lie parallel to the wall, and watch this man squirm.

Following up...again...and again...

I am feeling like I keep having to remind myself to breathe at the moment. It’s way too early and I have been awake way too long. And it’s at that point where there is no reason to try and attempt to go back to sleep as it will just make the 7am alarm that much worse.

Breathe….

I am feeling a little like I am drowning at the moment. And in what, I am not sure. I am just coming out of a great weekend with one of my closest friends from back in St. Louis. Maybe the fact that having someone around that really knows me and not feeling like I have to filter anything has made me feel the depth (or non-depth) of my existence in San Diego at the moment. I haven’t caught up with myself here yet. Not that I don’t know myself because I actually feel like I know “me” better than I have in years. I don’t question that anymore. The outside view of my definition hasn’t happened here yet and people need that.

Accountability was brought up to me tonight from a friend of mine who decided to end a relationship sometime between me seeing them at the gym at 6pm and 11pm when I heard from them. They wanted to know if accountability was so much to ask for in a relationship? The hardest thing about accountability is that you can control it from anyone else. Granted, you can’t control anything anyone does, but you can’t change how people follow-up or follow through on their own life’s or actions. You can only focus on yours. I had a big discussion about that this weekend as I find myself frustrated from the lack of follow-up with numerous people in my life. From doctors, to friends, to potential employers… David knows how I respond to things. I am pretty close to immediate if I can be. If not, 24 hours and it is done. If it can’t be done in 24 hours, you’ll have a reason why and a follow-up date in which I will follow up. Most people don’t work this way. I know a few…but very few. The non-followthroughers make my laundry list of “to-do’s” even that much longer. Tasks change from “Call so-n-so” to “Follow up with so-n-so”. I can’t cross these things off without participation. It’s different than accountability, but rests along the same lines.

I’m still breathing which is good. 71 minutes until that alarm will sound and I get to start following-up on everything again.