The Definition of Redefine

I have heard a lot of talk about redefining yourself lately. Just last night I was watching a late night political talk show with a friend and the question on whether Americans will be able to recreate themselves in this economy came up. The same topic came up in a conversation between myself and someone I met, while sitting in a class at Pepperdine this week. I went up there to experience a class as my decision has been made to pursue my next graduate degree there.

The conversation I had was about how it takes courage to walk away from the definition of who you are – the person you have created over time. You are walking away from something you thought you were or at least wanted to be and transforming your world, or at least trying to, into something completely different. I am not talking about the essence of who someone is. That is not something that changes with school or career. I am talking about changing what you do on a daily basis. What you will do with the majority of your time. Whether you are making money for a large corporation, or barely getting by doing something you are extremely passionate about. It does affect the essence of who you are – you can’t spend that much time doing something and not have it affect you on a deeper level. And to be honest, I am scared sh*tless at the moment. I am getting ready to invest a great deal of time and money into something that I believe is going to make me feel fulfilled at the end of the day. The time I have - the money I don’t. Trying to figure out how to make that work is not easy. It makes you feel better though when you have a 20 minute conversation with someone you’ve just met and they tell you they are proud of you – because they can tell you are doing the right thing. I have gotten that a lot. It helps.

On top of those thoughts I am sitting in a sick house. My family is in bad shape and it is amazing to me how bad you feel when you are in a stale, sick environment. I was lucky to be able to stay out last night and wake up away from all of it in a room that was filled with fresh air. It's amazing though how quickly I’ve gone down hill since I got back here to the house. I keep trying to get myself up and go to the gym but this environment can drain the strength out of you so quickly. And adding to that is the fact that my back couldn’t be in worse shape today. It’s been an ongoing problem and just this past Wednesday I layed in a procedure room (once again) with 2 men sticking needles into my spine. No, not accupunture. The real stuff. Being in the hospital and realizing that one wrong move can end your life is a scary thought. I teared up. Pretty badly. Not only because it was scary to think that there were a lot of things in this life I wasn’t done with yet, but because if something had happened to me…anything…the doctor wouldn’t be able to just walk into the waiting room to tell someone. He would have had to pick up the phone. And THAT thought will make you feel the most alone you have ever felt.

The truth is we do all of this alone. Yeah, we may find that person that will stand by us while we go through this life but in the end we do still end up doing these things alone. Finding that person to stick around through all of it is not easy. I find myself on the giving end too often – at least a lot more than the receiving end. I was recently defined as a “nice distraction” from someone’s life. Not recognized as being in their life, but an outside distraction. A positive one in this case, but still, not a "real part" of their life. Again, another area where you find yourself wanting to be redefined. Like I said in the beginning…the subject is coming up a lot.