Little Blue Bags

It’s amazing how something so small can change your perception and your feelings about someone. I know relationships are not everything that they are in movies or on the TV. They aren’t what we hear about as little girls with princes and white horses. Relationships aren’t perfect. People aren’t perfect.

But relationships aren’t about yelling either. They aren’t about throwing things and screaming at 2am. They aren’t about being afraid and watching of everything you say or changing yourself so that you keep the other person calm.

Drugs are deal breakers for me. I don’t want to be around them. I don’t want them in my life. I can’t try and love someone who uses them. I can’t because I want a healthy family one day and because I have seen first hand, with my birthmother, what drugs do to families. Mix drugs and domestic violence and the combo is a lot worse. I dodged that bullet once. Maybe I am again.

I know deep down inside that I cannot fix someone who does not see themselves as doing anything wrong. But it hurts to see someone you care about do things you think are hurting them. And for some reason, I am not one to be able to just let go of things and walk away. I care about people. I care about people even when they don’t care about me, or at least show it in a way that I don’t understand.

A little blue bag changed my perception of things. Something as simple as a little blue bag that I wasn’t even looking for, changed my life.

I Now Pronounce You... Illegal

So I am kind of pissed. And why this is hitting me so hard tonight, I don’t know. Part of it is probably because I heard someone today say that they were leaning on voting “yes” on Prop 8 last week, and it floored me. I would have never thought they would have thought this way, even for a second. I asked them how legalizing gay marriage would hurt them? I asked how not legalizing gay marriage would affect them? I needed SOME explanation on how in the world gay marriage has ANY affect on their rights, on their life, on them at all. And they couldn’t come up with one answer.

Seriously!!!! What is so wrong with this country that more than half of the State of California would want to tell two people who love each other that it doesn’t matter??? How would “Bob and Bill” getting married have anything to do with anyone else?

The way I see it, most of us are going to get divorced anyway. I am pretty sure it is over 50% of the population. And that is just your first divorce. So if there are two people who truly love each other, whether that is a woman and a man, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, how could I tell them not to spend their lives together? Hell, they are doing a lot better in the love department than I have done.

I think anyone who voted “yes” on Prop 8 should really do some serious thinking. Don’t throw the religion card at me. I am Christian and it is NOT my right as a Christian to judge anyone. If one of my gay friends gets to the gates of Heaven and finds out they are going to hell for being gay, I will let them take that argument up with God. I don’t see that happening though since what we know as Christians is that God loves all of us. So don’t try and use that excuse. I’m going to let God be the judge of that one. Not me.

This country has finally gotten to the point where we can elect a black President. And California, which is supposed to be one of the most forward thinking, liberal States, managed to give more rights to farm animals this election, but take rights away from human beings. I think THAT is a much bigger problem than gay marriage.

Congrats Obama

I am feeling the need to say something in regards to Election Day. It really feels amazing that we have gotten to the point in this country where someone OTHER than 2 white men are in the White House. I think that was the thing that I was so excited about with this election…that no matter who won, McCain or Obama, we would either have an African American or a woman in the White House. That really makes me feel good.

I admit it. I voted for John McCain. I respect the man. I think his background is incredible, and I think with the way this country is at the moment, especially internationally speaking, he would have been the best choice. But the other thing I have learned, and this probably comes from having family in the military, is that you should always respect your President. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything he or she says or does, but you need to respect them.

The one thing that makes me sad though is that when they called the election tonight, there were still hundreds if not thousands of people standing in line at the polls in California. I think that is wrong. I think it is wrong because no one should feel like their vote and voice wasn’t heard.

I honestly don’t think any Republican had a chance this election. Our country is in deep shit at the moment. Really, really deep shit. And with the war and the economy coming from a Republican President, I honestly don’t blame more than half of the country for voting the way they have today. Obama inspired Americans. And right now, Americans really need to be inspired and feel like we can believe in something. So…Congratulations President Barack Obama. You are walking into a scary situation and I wouldn’t want to be you. Please, please, please make this country proud.

Julie in Real Life

I watched a couple of movies with a friend of mine last night. If you haven’t seen “Dan in Real Life” or “The Music Within”, I highly recommend them both. The thing I love the most about “Dan in Real Life” is how at the very end they talk about the only thing you can expect in life is to be surprised. That’s the beauty of life.

So as I mentioned I watched these movies last night. We had planned to go out, but a leg injury kept me immobile. This friend of mine is such an interesting person. When we first started talking, I seriously thought to myself, I had met the male version of myself. That’s a scary thought even for me. Each time we hang out, I see that more and more. It’s a strange thing. He surprised me last night with something that he said though. It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. During the second movie, there is a spot that one of the characters says, “Don’t go. I am asking you not to”. I have always wanted to be in that relationship where if something was seriously important to me, and I said something like that, the person would listen. They would realize that if it was important enough for me to say that, then it is important enough to change their mind about something. My friend said to me later on “That is all I needed her to say to me…and I would have stayed” (or something like that). He was referring to his ex-wife. I didn’t realize he had been as hurt from that relationship as he had, and not even that, I just don’t think I have ever heard a man say something like that. It was that romantic passion that I think everyone is looking for. And he had it and let it go. Or maybe she did. Point being, they let each other go.

And that train of thought leads me to the fact that looking back at past relationships, there is not one person I have dated (and I have dated a lot) who has sought me out, realizing (or at least thinking) that they walked away from someone that they should have never let go. I think about this a lot and it makes me sad. There are relationships from my past that I think could have gone better and maybe led to something amazing, if I hadn’t screwed them up. There are people that I have sought out, but no one has ever done that with me. It makes me wonder if anyone has ever been in love with me. And the fact that I cannot answer that scares me. And it makes me terribly sad.

I am currently "trying" to screw up a potential relationship. Part of it is me being scared of being hurt. The one person I was truly in love with took me years to get over. It was horrible. I don’t want to feel that pain again and so I think maybe subconsciously I push people away until they don’t want to be with me because I am being too much for something so new. I screw up the part of the relationship that is supposed to be all fun. It keeps me safe. It keeps my heart safe. At least I think it does. The thing is, the even with all the pain I have felt from the past, it has been worth it, because I was able to feel incredible on the flip side of it. I am hoping that one day when I start down my screw up path that someone will say to me, “I am not going to let you fuck this up”.

So here I am being “Julie in Real Life” wanting things to work out. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. As “Dan” would say, “Plan to be surprised”. Please…surprise me.