Playing Slots with Life

This work thing is out of control. I looked today and I have applied to 212 jobs. 212. And there are not just any jobs but jobs that I am completely qualified for. 212. What number will I reach before I hit the jackpot?

It is scary to watch the economy right now. The only thing that makes me feel a little bit better is to open the newspaper and to see that the unemployment rate in San Diego is still going up. Not that that should make me feel good, but it at least makes me realize I am not the only one out there in this crap position. I never, never, never thought I would be 30 years old, with a Master’s Degree and tons of fantastic experience (and many successes as well!) and be having this difficult of a time finding a full time job. I know technically I do have a “job” but it is so part-time and random that it’s hard to count it some days. I am so thankful family has been able to help out over the last year. It has been SO hard living with them during this time – not really because of them, but more because of pride and wanting my own space and “stuff” back. My belongings have been in storage for the last 11 months – God only knows what shape they are going to be in, especially with the a-hole running the moving and storage company.

It will work out eventually. The greatest thing that has come out of all of this has been my ability to go and work for CCS and really do some amazing work through them. It has been wonderful training for and then putting my training to work for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. I don’t know how many lives I have saved but I know it has been quite a few, but just going over safety planning with some of these people. And getting to the end of the call and having them say “Julie…I think you may have just saved my life” is worth every bit of it.

As strange as this may sound, part of me believes that maybe this unemployment period has been because I was supposed to help someone. Maybe I was supposed to talk to “Lisa” about how to get herself and her children safely out of her home while her husband was at the store. Maybe I was supposed to go to Wilmington to help my grandparents. Maybe there will be someone next week that I come across that needs me more than I need a job at the moment, and if I had been working I wouldn’t have been able to help them. Maybe when I do whatever it is that I was supposed to do, that is when I will get my next full time job. I have always believed that with death, so why not this. Part of me has always believed that you are put on this earth to do certain things. And once you have finished those things, that is when God takes you. It’s the only rational explanation for why some people get run over by a car and walk away and others get stung by a bee and die. The people who walk away haven’t finished whatever they are supposed to do. The ones who don’t walk away, have. What do I have to do before I hit the “jackpot” I call Heaven?

Show Me Your Freak Flag

So I officially gained 7 lbs from eating Southern food for the last two weeks. Yep! Count ‘em. 7! And I almost completely lost my tan too which I didn’t notice so much until coming back to Southern California and mixing myself back in with the “beautiful people” in this area. It’s official. I am fat and white again. :)

I will disappointingly say that the only good things about “Grey’s Anatomy” anymore is Meredith’s monologue at the beginning and the end of the show and the new music that you can get introduced to. What happened to this show? I seriously think some of their writers went to “Private Practice”.

I have been doing the online dating thing and I must say, there are some very interesting people out in this world. Trust me, I know I am far from perfect and probably show my “freak flag” a little too quickly, but where in the world do these guys learn the things they do???

Probably the oddest one was the guy who thought it was completely appropriate to tell me on our first date that his mother has a severe mental illness and he was afraid that he has begun developing some of the psychotic traits of the illness as well.  Needless to say, we didn’t go out again (and he actually did ask).

Then you have the guys that drop you off after midnight, in the pitch black and don’t even wait to see if you make it to the door. I literally closed the door and he pulled off. And keep in mind, this was a few dates in. I have NEVER not (there goes my beloved double negatives) waited for someone to get safely in the door before leaving. Isn’t this common sense? Isn’t this what any decent person does? Ha…I guess that explains it because he ended up not being such a decent person anyway.

And then there are those ones who are so strange before you even meet them that A) you are so scared of going because of one thing or another that they have said that when you show up, you wish you could do the emergency phone call stunt (which I have NEVER done for the record) or B) they are so creepy on the phone that you will think of anything to cut communication. I always try to give people a chance but I guess there are a few things you should go with your gut on (which mine is 7 lbs smarter now!).

Where are the “normal” un-normal people??? I will be perfectly happy with someone as odd as me, I actually would prefer someone with their own “freak flag” but please…can’t I have a few decent and gentlemanly qualities?

Will Work for Family

I left Wilmington yesterday to head back to San Diego. I must admit, I think that was the most exhausting trip I have ever had. I am so glad I went. Nany and Pop really needed a lot of help and I am glad I was able to be there when they needed it.

They gave me an envelope Monday night with cash in it. They knew I was going to put up a fight about it. Nany started to say that it was because of all the help I had given them. I explained that I don't get paid to help family. That is not what family is about. Then it changed to "a gift from our hearts" because they don't ever get to do anything for me and my family - they don't get to buy us presents. I said she could get me a birthday present instead this year. I finally gave up with the argument knowing that I wouldn't be taking the money. When they went to bed, I stayed up and wrote them both a letter. I explained that being able to spend the last two weeks with them was better than any gift they could have given me. I explained that I wasn't there because I felt like it was my "job" to be there - I was there because I wanted to help them, because I love them. They didn't have to give me money to show they loved me - they show me that every day of my life. I folded up the letter and took the money out of the envelope and was shocked. My grandparents have never been what people would consider to be "well off". In the envelope was $500 in cash. I couldn't believe for even one second that they would really believe I would take that. I pitched a fit when I thought it was $100. I left the letter and envelope on Pop's computer as I walked out of the house to leave for the airport.

They are mad I didn't take the money but they'll get over it. What is family for if you can't rely on them to help you though hard times? I could never imagine my parents not being there for me if I needed help, just like they have been there for me over the last year. And I can't imagine not being there for my grandparents if they need help. They didn't ask for help, but you know when someone can use a helping hand.

"Will work for food." Will work for family. Money not need apply.

Worlds Apart?

I find it fascinating how two people, can come from the same person and turn out completely worlds apart. Spending time with April today blew my mind in regards to what this girl has been though. To put it in prospective, she is living with a man who is almost 65 years old and April is 23. Enough said on that one. He is getting ready to move and she is not sure if she is going to continue to live with him so is making plans to move back to the homeless shelter in town. Why does this have to be an option for her? The girl is tougher than any 23 year old I have ever met. And that toughness comes from a great deal of tough times.

We sat and talked for a couple of hours today and I guess the thing I found the most surprising is how much she really does want help. I brought her some clothes today and even though they weren't her style, she was so gracious. She is having a hard time finding a job (aren't we all?) but is really wanting to get one, so I offered her some major support with her resume, some applications, and even making a few calls on her behalf. I got from her one of the most sincere hugs and thank you's I have received in a while. The thing is, she isn't asking me to do it for her. All is doing is asking for a little bit of support - and not even in a monetary way. She is so aware of what her mom did wrong in life. And to be honest, I thought she was so "far gone" years ago that she couldn't be led in the right direction. I think I was wrong with that one. And maybe we aren't really all that worlds apart. She has a good head on her shoulders and the girl is smart! She has just seen a lot more than anyone at her age should have seen.

Adam Goldstein and Travis Barker - you and your family are in my prayers.

New Family, Old Family and Turtles

Chase and Kelly had their 3rd baby, Dustin, last night. It feels like I have a new nephew, even though Chase is my cousin. It's funny how you can pick back up exactly where you left off with certain people. For some reason, him and I tend to fall back into it even after, wow, I want to say 5 years. Strange how that happens.

I saw April today. Debie, Betty Ann's sister, ran into her at a gas station of all places and said told her I had spent 4 hours in the woods looking for her and her mom this past week. April is at least not homeless (at the moment) but does need some help. She didn't ask for money (which somewhat surprised me) but asked for winter clothes. She left an abusive man, 11 years her senior, just before the summer and left everything she owned with him except for the clothes on her back and her binder from the program I got her into last time I saw her. She kept all of her completion certificates and was very proud to tell me about it. Clothes I will do! Money I won't. Money always equals drugs or alcohol in the state she is in. But clothes are good.

I feel like I have been in this "save the world" mode the last week and a half. I feel like I am taking care of everyone. Pop has gotten so much needier since I have been here - the man who usually won't let you touch a dish or even try to prepare a meal has been passing the dishes to me at the table and asking what I am making for dinner every day. Nany, of course, is needing everything, but that is why I am here. Then comes my other grandmother which I don't even want to start on...Betty Ann....April....and this evening when I was driving home, I saved a turtle. :)

Silent Giggles

Whew! I don't even know where to start today. It's only 11:32pm here and I am about to peel over. I couldn't sleep to save my life last night. I think the last time I looked at the clock was at 4:30am. Some nights my brain just will NOT shut off! I was thinking about work (or lack thereof) last night. Hmph - I use "lack thereof" a lot.

Something I have been thinking about is giggling. Each night when I am "trying" (I define that word loosely) to get my grandmother into bed, the two of us have what we now call our "Silent Giggles". As hard as we try to miss him, every time we try and lay her down, she comes within inches of missing her pillow and landing her head smack dab on top of her husband. That is where the silent giggles come in. You are trying SO hard not to laugh/smile but you end up with that goofy look on your face like if you had your lips removed by the world's worst plastic surgeon and are trying to smile. We woke him up tonight because the silent giggles irrupted into laughter and if you knew how hard it was for my grandfather to hear you would be shocked that we even got him to stir. He opened his eyes, flashed that grin, and said "you two quit your giggles". I felt like I was at a 12 year old sleep over, trying to sneak down to the kitchen. (that's probably not what 12 year olds do at sleep overs anymore).

Had another police search and rescue today. Well, another search and search. The one thing we did come across was yet another abandoned camp and as we were getting closer, a smell like I have never smelt before arose. I cannot even begin to explain how foul it was. By the time we got into the camp I literally had to breathe through my mouth. I was sticking close to "my" officer (who had begun to find it hilarious that I would swat at my ear every time he used a piece of grass to touch it) and he kept talking about the smell. Eventually the other one came over and said to him, "You know what that smell is, don't you?". Something or someone had died in that immediate area and it was recent. I thank God they did not want to stick around to play CSI for too long. I don't know what I would have done if I had seen a dead body.

When we were all going our separate ways this evening, and after another offer to try again tomorrow, I thanked them (again) and said I couldn't believe they went out with me the first time, much less a second. I got a smile and a "that's what we are here for - to protect and we serve". Now why don't all men have that ingrained in their head?

The Blair Homeless Project

I spent approximately two hours today with two armed and uniformed police officers wandering two areas of woods in Wilmington. The area we thought Betty Ann and April were in was abandoned and so they took me over to a 20 acre area of woods not too far away that we thought they had moved to.

We spent a significant amount of time laughing about the fact that I could hear the two of them cursing me inside their head, "Damn woman! We could be in our air conditioned cars at the moment, but nooooo....we are out here with you in 90 degree humid weather looking for homeless people!". They denied it, but I swear I heard it. Ahhh... And the Blair Witch moment. One officer was a ahead of us in the 20 acre area and the other officer stopped me to point out something. 5 seconds later we looked up and the other officer had literally disappeared. At the same time we both said "Where did he go????". "This feels a little Blair Witch-ish all of a sudden," I said. After a laugh, he said "The good news is this is a square area of woods so we can't get lost in here." I mentioned that I thought that exact line was in the movie as well.

I have to say - two of the kindest police officers I have ever met. They have offered to take me back out on Wednesday if I decide to stay in town to search some more. Found out Betty Ann is still with the man who assaulted her in 2006. He's got one of the worst reputations in the city and pulled a box cutter on one of the officers I was with last time they ran into him. Sounds like a quality man if I do say so myself!

Raspberries and Heroin

At 10am, Pop and I went to pick up Nany from the nursing home. She was so excited to get out of there and as we were leaving I said, "You know what we are going to have to do when we get outside? Give this place a raspberry". It took her a minute but she knew exactly what I was talking about. We got her settled into Pop's car and before I shut the door we counted to three and gave what I would consider one of the best all time raspberries to Oakdale Nursing Home. It was the perfect ending to a getaway from a place she never wanted to return to.

Why is it that raspberries can make you feel so much better about a crap situation? My friend Tony and I used to give them to an old workplace of mine every single time we drove by. And you cannot do it without having a smile creep across your face. I think raspberries need to be a mandatory addition to any "that sucked!" scenarios going forward.

After things settled down for the day and I spent an hour watching the first half of "The Bucket List" with Nany, I headed out to meet up with a woman I had met the night before. She is from Orange Co. originally and we struck up a conversation with each other as she was waiting for her blind date to show up. As I was getting ready to leave, I realize that something I was wanting to do was probably not the safest thing for me. I had heard from my birth mother's sister recently that she and my half sister were homeless again and living in the woods behind Target in Wilmington. The amount of substance abuse, child abuse, and domestic violence among other things, that this family has experienced is beyond anything imaginable. I have attempted in the past to help my two half sisters by getting them into programs - the younger one Amanda has come out on top (after being pulled out of the house by CPS). April on the other hand, not so much which has brought her back to being homeless.

So now, being here in Wilmington, I am curious of what is going on with April. On the way out tonight though I realized that venturing into the woods to what sounds like a "homeless camp" is probably not the best thing to do. With my luck I would get stuck by a needle by some heroin addict high as a kite. So I stopped at the police station to see if there was anyone there familiar with the area. I spoke with an officer who knew exactly what homeless group I was talking about immediately. He said they have had numerous problems with them and there have been some pretty significant attacks within the group over the last couple of months at night. He asked what my birth mom's name was and when I said it, he said, "Oh geeze". He knew her - he actually spent over two hours with her in the hospital in 2006 after she was on the receiving end of "one of the worst domestic violence beatings" he has seen. I told him that her husband had died of a heroin overdose a few years back so he was out of the picture. But when we looked up the case, we found this to be another man who is still around. The irony of all of this consumed me. Here I am working as a DV counselor in San Diego while the life that could have been mine was on the receiving end of it on the opposite end of the country. I don't even need to go into my luck on this one. Or the fact that God was really, really looking out for me on this one. I'll be receiving a call from the Sergeant who heads up that area tomorrow. Looks like I may be traipsing into the woods, in daylight, with a gun and badge beside me. And who ever said Wilmington wasn't exciting?

The Truth About Grandmas

Well…here we go. The last few days have been more than interesting. I am in Wilmington, NC helping my grandparents out for the week. My grandmother (whom I call Nany) had a stroke last year and had gotten so weak recently that she had to go into a nursing home. What they have done with her in regards to rehab has been amazing. She is coming home on Saturday and I am not sure how it is going to work. My grandfather (Pop) wants to do everything for her which is not what she needs. She NEEDS to work on doing these things herself – it is the only thing that will keep her strength up.

Anyhow, being here has made me think about so many things. Nany has always been an incredibly special part of my life. We used to spend hours talking on the phone, which she can’t do so much anymore, but we have been able to do that a lot since I have been here. Last night before I came back to the house, we were looking through pictures on my computer. She always asks about my love life (or lack thereof) and I pointed out to her the man who I consider the love of my life (so far!) whom she had never seen a picture of. At first I thought she would be shocked that the person I considered to be that great love was not my ex husband. But then I remembered who I was talking to. She knows me better than my own skin. She wanted to know what happened and we just left it at the fact that he is now married with 2 kids. Sometimes things don’t work out. About a month ago, I wasn’t dating anyone and she said to me that the real love of my life was going to show up. I asked “You promise?” and as confident and as sure as anyone has ever told me anything, she said “Yes. I promise”. As ridiculous as this may sound to some, it was literally like she honestly knew that. Like God had told her that I was going to end up on top in the f-ed up world of dating. Well, God wouldn’t have used the f-word, but point being…. A couple of weeks ago she was asking about a guy who I had gone on a couple of dates with. She gets so excited anytime I have a good date (maybe more excited than me) and this was no different. When I told her that I just didn’t know anymore what was going on (you really can start to tell when he is “just not that into you”) she looked at me and said “Julie – I don’t understand that. How could anyone meet you and not love every single bit of you? Those people don’t know you.”

I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about all that she has said to me. Literally I had been up since 7am and was wide awake at 3:40am. She introduces me as “the love of my life”. She makes me feel like a better person. She makes me a better person. Tonight before I left, she was sitting there reading the paper and I was working on some cards for her friends at the nursing home and I caught her staring at me. I asked what she was thinking and she said “About you”. She said she was so happy that I wanted to be there with her. I told her that I loved her more than she knew and told her that she makes me a better person. She responded, “Julie – you make ME a better person. I love you more than you will ever, ever know” and I said “I know you do”. And honestly, even writing this brings tears to my eyes. No one has EVER said that to me and me know, with no doubt, that it is absolutely true. I don’t ever want to forget the way I felt when she said that. Ever.