Could I Be Any More Scattered Tonight?

Tonight I am wishing I could write my blog like a journal. I think that probably means I need to start journaling again. There are so many different things going on in my head – to the point were almost wish I was seeing a therapist just to clear it all out, or bounce all of it off on someone. It’s always interesting how there is that need for numerous people in your life and visa versa meaning people only need you for certain things but not everything. Part of me is feeling very needed for certain things in different people’s lives at the moment, and the farthest thing from what they need in other areas.

Right now I am feeling angry about things, confused about other things, excited about some, and hurt by a few things as well. I had dinner with a friend of mine tonight and we talked about how not being sure about things is sometimes the beauty of life. We are both getting ready to make decisions that we are not sure of. That gets me thinking back to a song…”Your choices are half chance. So are everyone else’s”. It makes me feel better to about that, but its still scary when it’s your own choices. There are days now that I don’t feel like I have a clue what I am doing. Not a clue. I have these split seconds where it looks like things are going perfectly my way and I am getting ready to get everything I want, and then that rug gets ripped out from under your feet. I find myself waiting on some things until the timing is perfect but worry that even if I get to that place in time, I will still be afraid of what will come from it, or not come from it, more specifically. I guess it all goes back to the fact that you cannot control anything or anyone in your life except for yourself. The problem is, I read into everything and many times assume things are a certain way and they aren’t. Or I assume someone feels a certain way and they don’t. Or I assume that something about myself is a good thing (or at least not a bad thing) but in the eyes of someone else, its not.

I guess I wish some days I knew that everything is going to work out. My grandmother tells me it will, my parents do, the people who love me do. But what if it doesn’t. Family situations presently are making me think about that more. What if I am here, by myself, writing to a computer, 30 years from now? Maybe I will have some crazy friend in my same boat and we can both bitch about how we wished someone along the way had taken the time to give us a shot. A shot at what, I don’t know. A shot at love. A shot at a job. A shot at a new opportunity. Hell - Maybe a shot of tequila.