Being a Tom

I am “home” for the Christmas holiday in San Diego.  I love my job – and I mean LOVE my job, but it is nice to get a few days off and not have to worry about work or school.  I stopped by my favorite restaurant/bar this evening to grab a glass of wine and say hello to the people I know there.  It’s definitely my “Cheers” bar, where everybody knows my name, but not the type of bar you would expect it in.  And I must admit, it is nice to walk in after almost 6 months and have the bartender look over with a smile and say, “Jules! Where have you been?”.  Trust me – I wasn’t that much of a regular there – I just think they felt bad for me when I was there because I really didn’t know anyone in town and always found comfort in pulling up a chair and chatting it up with them. 

They treat me well, and trust me it is not that I am a big tipper – they all know what I do for a living and I hardly ever have more than one drink… But it’s nice to be a part of their “in” crowd.  I knew I had “made it” the night I was sitting on the deck with a friend from the gym and they turned off the lights and waved goodbye as we sat there finishing up our wine, staring off into the ocean.  You literally would land on the sand if you flipped over their railing.  It is the PERFECT location…for anything. 

So I explain this all because as I was sitting there tonight, talking about houses and relationships with the manager, (these are always our conversation topics) I said to him, “Wow – you really are cynical”.  He replied in a very matter-of-fact way, “No, I am French”.  In his eyes, these seem to be one in the same.  His view on relationships is very “take it or leave it” and that everything ends up ruined in the end so why try and do much of anything for anyone.  It makes me sad in a way, but then I think back to times where he made comments about one of the people that I had casually dated, and how he thought that person was never going to realize how much I cared about them.  He was right about that, but it let me see a softer side of him, a more romantic side – one that made you realize that he knew what love was and was able (at some point in time) to feel it himself.   He is now 4 years into a marriage that he is walking away from, which has to be one of the reasons that the “cynical Frenchman” exists. 

I watched my latest favorite movie, “500 Days of Summer” last night after wishing people throughout the day, “Happy 500 Days of Summer Comes Out on DVD Day,”.  One of the quotes in that movie that makes me chuckle is where Summer tells Tom, “You don’t really believe in that, do you?” referring to falling in love.  Tom responds, “What?  It’s love, not Santa Claus”.  Tom falls in love, Summer doesn’t.  The story is an amazing portrait of unrequited love.  The part that breaks me every time (spoiler alert!) is where Summer tells Tom, “(I found) what I was never sure of with you”.   You can feel in yourself, Tom’s heart being ripped out.  It always hurts to hear someone didn’t feel the same way you did.   Are these the moments where people harden?  Where their wall gets another level of bricks stacked on top?  The first time I saw the movie, this was the part I began to have tears form in my eyes. 

But honestly, it made me appreciate the love I have given and not seen in return.  Trust me, I didn’t say that at the time, but looking back, I absolutely can.  I am thankful that those moments didn’t put another foot on my wall but actually made me more open to the next experience.  Why does it work that way for some people, and close other people off?  What happens, that produces a “Tom” on his quest for the next great love and what produces a cynical Frenchman?  I probably should be able to answer that having just wrapped up “Theories of Personality”, but let’s not go there at 12:31am on Christmas Eve.   

I like being a Tom.  It makes life exciting, as you never know what the new day will bring.  It makes the first date butterflies, flutter their wings that much harder.  It makes movies like “500 Days of Summer” pull on your heart strings that much tighter.  It makes love worth waiting for.  Yep, I like being a Tom.