My Next Move in Sorry

I really needed to write tonight, but what I needed to write was too personal for my blog.  I keep a journal for nights like these.  I poured about a page and a half into it and had to quit mostly because my right hand really does feel like it is going to fall off.  I got a lot out and onto paper, but there is still so much that is in my head and for some reason I feel like non-descriptive typing is going to help. 

The thing I think I like the most about my private journal is that I can look back and read what was going on in my head during my last entry.  I have entries that make me cry, entries that literally make me laugh, entries that I shake my head about and entries that I smile about because I realize I have come full circle from whatever I was thinking at the time. 

Tonight I am finding myself wanting to apologize to a few people because I am able to see more clearly things that I was doing at the time that probably weren’t the right things to be doing.  Ok, let me rephrase that… I acted in ways I shouldn’t have acted.  (In no way should the word “probably” be in there).  And no, there was nothing illegal or immoral or whatever else you are thinking… I just was acting ridiculous.  I have acted in ways that are not the way I would ever want someone to see me, much less see myself.  I acted off of some thought in my head that didn’t make any sense and for some reason made sense at the time. 

It’s difficult to go back and say I am sorry to some of these people though.  Some of them I have burned bridges with and I don’t think they are bridges that you can just mend by saying something like, “Oh I am sorry – I was just thinking crazy stuff at that time in my life”.  If they knew who I was now, maybe they would be ok with what I wanted to say, but these people didn’t know me well enough to be able to get past whatever happened.  On the flip side, there are a few people that have stepped right back into my life after the “I’m Sorry” phone call and I thank God for them every single day. 

I am going to have to think on this one.  I am not sure if the “sorry’s” I want to say are for my own benefit or if they would really do any good.  I am a believer that saying you are sorry will never be a bad thing, but I just don’t want to do it for the wrong reason.  I don’t want to do it just so I will feel better about it.  It’s like what they say (whomever “they” are) about when someone cheats, they shouldn’t tell the significant other if all it would be doing is getting the guilt off of themselves.  They should be doing it to help the situation (and no, this is not about cheating so stop thinking that way).  I just want to do the right thing.  That’s all any of us should do – the right thing.